photo credi: ImpactWrestling.com

Hello lovelies! It’s been too long. I’ve returned from the land of gross and incapacitating illnesses, and I brought a Best and Worst with me! T-shirts were sold out. Sorry.

A few things:

- The Mandible Claw was also on hiatus this week, given that the only things I could do were self-medicate and not move from the warm, comforting embrace of my couch. You should still check it out, though! It’s gonna be a good week next week, especially if you enjoy Chikara (you should), and me not sounding like Marianne Faithfull with post-nasal drip (you really should; it was weird).

- Everyone likes Chris Trew, yeah? And everyone likes fake sex with willing imaginary participants, yeah? Donate to the Air Sex Championship Documentary Kickstarter. Or don’t. But it’d be great if you did. Chris Trew is nice, and I want him to have nice things.

- I like Twitter. Twitter is easy. It’s also easy to follow me here. Follow With Leather, because Brandon and Burnsy are fun dudes, and UPROXX, because everyone loves Simon Pegg gifs.

This week on Impact: Joseph Park, more Joseph Park, and some other stuff I guess.

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Additional advice: If Lenny Dykstra contacts you on Craiglist Los Angeles and wants you to come over to his house and be his “personal assistant”, don’t do it, it’s a trap.

According to the L.A. City Attorney, Lenny allegedly went to Craigslist and posted ads for a personal assistant or housekeeping services … but when the women arrived, Dykstra would “inform the women that the job also required them to give a massage and would expose himself to them.”

Officials say Dykstra pulled the XXX bait and switch at least 6 times.

I feel like it shouldn’t be too hard to say “Lenny Dykstra offered me a job at his house, let me Google Lenny Dykstra and make sure he’s not a lunatic”, but then again I’m the guy who thinks you shouldn’t use Craigslist for anything more personal than selling a futon. The second red flag should’ve been when you knocked on the door and it was answered by a C.H.U.D. businessman with a grapefruit-sized clod of refuse dirt in his mouth.

If convicted (and come on, of course he will be) Dykstra faces more jail time being tacked on to the time he’s already spending. TMZ’s excellent and informative reporting says he’s “already in custody in L.A. on a MYRIAD of federal and state charges for allegedly doing all sorts of other bad stuff” (myriad is their capitalization, not mine), and their inability to click their own “Lenny Dykstra” tag and tell you he’s a drug dealer, car thief and friend of Charlie Sheen makes me wish they ran a formal sports blog.

“Derek Jeter has BRUTALLY BROKEN up with Minka Kelly. Jeter, the HANDSOME BEAU famous for doing things, said things.”

Maybe TMZ needs an assistant. I did go to massage therapy school, after all.

I love these Taiwanese animations more than many of my own life achievements. I want to caress them late at night and wipe away their tears and tell them that everything’s going to be alright while they fall asleep in my arms. And then the next morning I would wake up and find a note on the pillow telling me how sweet I am but it could never work out because I’m an obese blogger from the midwest and they’re snippets of computerized video footage depicting current events with English subtitles. But that’s love.

So if you missed it, Brett Favre and the New York Jets are getting sued for sexual harassment. That is not love, but something a bit creepier.

Get it? It's a cockfight.

NFL future Hall Of Fame quarterback Brett Favre is getting sued, but not by the former New York Jets employee that you’re expecting. Two massage therapists that used to work for the NFL club have filed suit against Favre, the Jets and a former club employee, and the money quote has to do with Favre essentially propositioning Christina Scavo and Shannon O’Toole for a threesome.

“Brett here. You and Crissy want to get together? I’m all alone,” the suit says Favre wrote. “Kinda of lonely tonight. I guess I have bad intentions,”

The third therapist, who did not join the suit, showed Scavo the message, which she brought to the attention of her husband, Joseph. The suit says Joseph Scavo contacted Favre and asked him to apologize and stop behaving inappropriately.

Favre “refused,” and “responded in an inappropriate manner,” the suit said.

–NY Daily News.

Awesome. I don’t care whether Favre plays or doesn’t play in 2011 (spoiler alert: he won’t), but I could talk about sexual harassment for days. And really, you have to be a total ass for a massage therapist to sue you, let alone two massage therapists. These are people that grab your ass for a living. My uncle tried to do that once, but then he wound up and jail, and was forbidden from coaching girls’ soccer ever again.

SEXY UPDATE: For those of you that missed the gallery, enjoy. We’ll have more sports shortly.

In today’s reporter-turning-themselves-into-news news, TV Azteca reporter Ines Sainz has complained to Roger Goodell and the NFL that New York Jets players made lewd and suggestive comments at her during the team’s practices she covered in New Jersey. And if you’ve survived the shock of that sentence, there’s so much more. Sainz recently Tweeted en espanol that she was “dying of embarrassment” because of the catcalls she received. Surprisingly, her complaint features no mention of Rex Ryan demanding burritos.

Goodell and his gentleman Gestapo are investigating Sainz’s allegations and the Jets apparently discussed the matters in their team meeting last night. Jets owner Woody Johnson personally called Sainz to get her side of the story. Upon greeting her, he said, “Hello Ines, this is Woody Johnson. Woody, like a boner. Johnson, like a boner.”

ASYLUM POLL: Did Sainz bring that harassment upon herself?

Respect my blogging skills for the quality of my dick jokes and not for the size of my bulge, NY Daily News:

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