OH GOD I JUST READ MY OWN HEADLINE

Ray Elbe — you may remember him from season 9 of ‘The Ultimate Fighter — suffered an injury that no man should have to suffer. If the headline didn’t make you gag and step away from the computer, here’s the nicest way I can put it … he was having sex with his girlfriend, slipped out of her as she was going up, then suffered the consequences as she was coming down. And by “consequences” I mean SHE BROKE HIS PENIS IN HALF.

“I ended up fracturing my penis bone … I tore the urinary tract, tore some membrane — as it happened you can imagine the shock and the horror that was going on,” Elbe said in the video. “I jumped up from the intimate moment, blood shooting out of my groin. I immediately tried to run to the shower, felt myself losing consciousness, tried to walk back to the bed at which point I collapsed, knocking myself out. I gave myself 10 stitches and fractured a couple teeth.”

Elbe wrote about the situation (pretty accurately described as “as close to death as you can come without dying”) on his blog, MagicalRay.com, and if there’s ever been a time to NOT end a sentence with LOL, it’s this one:

This is probably the worst nightmare you can think of. The biggest problem people suffering from this medical emergency encounter…is not immediately seeking medical attention … I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone..lol

Nobody is laughing.

[h/t (or should that be a d/t?) to Larry Brown Sports]

Mike Tyson has told the story about the time he caught his then-wife Robin Givens with then-nobody actor Brad Pitt before. The story originally involved Tyson showing up to Givens’ house right after she’d served him with divorce papers, and he wanted a little nookie for the time being. Unfortunately, she wasn’t home, and as he was leaving, Givens pulled up to her house with Pitt and everyone was like, “Awkward!” I also assume that Pitt peed a little.

But now, as Tyson explained in a recent interview with Yahoo!’s Graham Bensinger, the event went down just a tad bit differently than he originally told it. It turns out, according to Tyson, that he actually caught Givens and Pitt in the act of what the romantics call – doing it.

“I was getting a divorce. I was going to my lawyer’s office to divorce her that day but I wanted to sneak in a quickie. This particular day, someone beat me to the punch. I guess Brad got there earlier than I did. I was mad as hell. You should’ve saw his face when he saw me.”

I like to think Pitt’s face looked a little like this…

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As we dip our toes into the 66th day of this NHL lockout, it shouldn’t surprise many people that yesterday’s latest crucial meeting was a complete dud, as talks lasted a whopping two hours. Among very few other things, the players union and league officials agreed to meet up again this morning to simply decide if they’re going to have another meeting. “That’s a good idea,” said hockey fans, adding, “Because you didn’t talk about sh*t yesterday.”

‘‘We talked about various things,’’ union executive director Donald Fehr said on a chilly Manhattan sidewalk outside the NHL office. ‘‘No new proposals were made, they were not expected to be made.” (Via the Boston Globe)

So the question that nobody is really asking is – what the hell are the fans doing to fill their void? According to one Edmonton business owner, NHL fans are getting their freak on.

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Despite the love affair with hating NBC for its delayed coverage and contempt for its stupid viewers, the 2012 Summer Olympics have had some amazing moments. Obviously, Gabby Douglas, Michael Phelps, Oscar Pistorious, Missy Franklin, and many others have had remarkable performances, and of course there were the pooping divers and Retta’s awesome Twitter analysis. But generating some serious buzz over the weekend was a commercial for Ragu that has absolutely nothing to do with the Summer Games, other than it aired during NBC’s coverage.

In the commercial, a young boy has a book or something that he wants to share with his parents, so he just barges into their bedroom and catches them having sex. So does he fall into a black hole of trauma and psychotic outrage that will scar him for the rest of his life? No way, Jose. His parents make it up to him with a big, heaping plate of Ragu spaghetti. I’ve been told that pasta sauce is just as effective as heroin in hiding decades of mental anguish.

Ultimately, the commercial (after the jump) is quite funny, the kind of outlandish spot you’d expect during the Super Bowl. So this begs the important question – what do the oracles of YouTube commenting have to say about it? Is it great? The greatest? Better than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”? Or is it the worst thing that has ever been aired on TV? Let’s explore.

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His words, not mine.

The first thing you need to know (and if you care, you probably already know) is that Spain skunked Italy 4-0 on Sunday, winning the Euro 2012 trophy and establishing themselves as one of the best soccer teams ever.

In doing so the Spanish also established a record three tournament victories in a row having also triumphed at Euro 2008 and the 2010 World Cup.

We may be witnessing the greatest team in football history, one that threatens to put the Brazilians in the shade. (via The Sun)

The second thing is that part of “success” sounds like “sex”, so when you’re excited and trying to spit out out, you occasionally boast about how Spain’s national team has tons and tons of sex. That’s what happened to BBC’s Alan Shearer, and though he quickly corrected himself I’m moving forward with the image of Spain (as a whole) plowing women so thoroughly and effectively that the British guy in the background just kinda makes an impressed face and gives a thumbs up.

The Freudian slip is blow.

Sorry, below.

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(note: This image of Air Sex World Championships host and future pro wrestling manager of the decade Chris Trew hyping up the crowd is the most safe-for-life image I could use from this year’s event. If I put up most of the images in this gallery on the main page we’d lose our sponsors and I’d have to get paid with the Mr. Skin Minute. Not a world I want to live in.)

In case you haven’t been closely following the sport of competitive imaginary f**king, the Air Sex competition you may remember from last year has become a national sensation, with competitions popping up in Los Angeles, Chicago, and alongside acts like Donald Glover and Captured! By Robots during Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas. The Funfest competition (which featured a guy pantomime-humping to the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme song) was such a hit that Air Sex’s “Wrestlemania”, the Air Sex World Championships, came to Austin last weekend. Pretended to come to Austin. You get what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, your perspectives on sex and humanity won’t be complete until you’ve flipped through some pictures of the event. All pics in this gallery are courtesy of Slightly Removed Photography (because how close do you want to get, honestly) and if you’d like to see more, or find out where naked fat guys and the occasional lady will be pretending to blow each other in your area, check out AirSexWorld.com.

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