By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.

Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.

We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)

Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.

Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.

Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.

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Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with Kate Upton.

It is not an easy task to put together a list, such as the Greatest Sports Moments of 2012, specifically because so many things happen in any given year that it’s all but impossible to universally gauge which one event or person is greater than another. But since we’re just a couple dudes who like to make fun of stuff and almost always ignore actual sports news, it’s really quite easy.

With that said, here’s a quick breakdown of how our team of fact checkers and sports analyst number crunchers determine which people, places and things were the most important and influential in 2012…

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If you’re just waking up from a 30-day coma, here’s a brief recap of what you’ve missed in Hulk Hogan’s life – Gawker posted a clip from a sex tape involving Hulk Hogan and an unknown woman, people speculated that the woman may have been Heather Clem (wife of his former best friend Bubba the Love Sponge), Clem responded like, “Stop, this is ruining my life, but yeah that’s totally me”, Hogan became furious and shooks his fists while vowing to sue everyone responsible, Sponge swore that he didn’t release the tape to Gawker but then settled with Hogan in private, and Hogan sued Gawker for $100 million because the site still hasn’t taken the video down.

I think that about sums it up. Oh, and then there’s the news that a judge told Hogan yesterday that the video can indeed remain online, because WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, when you can’t prove that Gawker didn’t have the right to post the tape when it did?

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When you’re as awesomely famous as Hulk Hogan, you can’t go anywhere without a camera being pointed in your direction, as evidenced by the fight that broke out at his 2010 “private” wedding ceremony because of a photographer and that whole sex tape thing that just recently popped up. Well, despite Hogan being hard up for income since his ex-wife Linda took all of his money so she could grease up teenagers on a giant pile of cash, he still swears he had nothing to do with the leak of a two-minute clip of him sexing up Heather Clem.

Clem, of course, if the ex-wife of Hogan’s former best friend Bubba the Love Sponge, who seems like he’d love to be friends with Guy Fieri and the lead singer of Smash Mouth. In response to Gawker’s breakdown of the video, Hogan filed lawsuits against Mr. Love Sponge and Clem, as well as a $100 million doozie against Gawker. As of today, Hogan has pinned one of those enemies, and must now pin the other two to face Yokozuna at SummerSlam.

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The most appropriate picture ever.

Fun fact: The year can’t officially end until Hulk Hogan has filed a ridiculous lawsuit, and it looks like we’re pretty close to putting the wraps on 2012. Last December, the Hulkster filed a lawsuit against his ex-wife, Linda, for claiming that he and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake had a homosexual relationship in her tell-all book. Now, Hogan is filing lawsuits against his former best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge, and Heather Clem, the woman that Hogan was, ahem, stocking with Pringles in the now infamous sex tape.

Additionally, and not surprisingly, Hogan is suing Gawker for publishing the sex tape, and he’s really trying to take the online tabloid to the cleaners, presumably because he’s broke from his divorce.

Hogan says he wasn’t aware he was being recorded. The release of the video, “which is perceived unfavorably by the public,” has diminished Hogan’s value, according to the lawsuit.

Hogan, who grew up in Tampa and lives in the area, has also sued Gawker Media, the owner of Gawker.com, an online gossip site that recently released an excerpt of the video recording. That lawsuit was filed Monday in federal court in Tampa.

Hogan’s attorneys said they are seeking $100 million from the website. They have asked the owners of Gawker.com to remove the footage, but the website has refused. (Via Tampa Bay Online)

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Does Hogan think that we view him unfavorably because he had sex with his friend’s wife? Or is it because he did it while he was still married? Or is it because he thinks that we think that he recorded it on purpose? Because I have bad news for one of the greatest icons of my childhood – we already had a pretty unfavorable perception of him before this. While I don’t ever want to watch a 53-year old man have sex, this is probably the most favorable thing that he’s done in the past decade.

In fact, let’s run down a few things that are worse than Hogan having a sex tape.

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The most appropriate picture ever.

When not wrestling for TNA, Hulk Hogan spends his days pulling a Jose Canseco and shamelessly retweeting fans who think he should be in The Expendables 3, because he is apparently such an awesome actor. And Hogan is simply so devoted to the craft that he even recently shot his own black and white independent film about a woman with absolutely no pride. That film, of course, is the much-talked-about Hulk Hogan sex tape released by Gawker last week.

According to E! News, Hogan plans to sue whoever is responsible for sending the video to the online tabloid, and it is being reported that the unknown female Hulkamaniac had no clue she was being filmed. However, because sex tapes are the easiest ways for women to become famous and washed up “celebrities” to get back in the spotlight, TMZ reminds us that a very lazily named porn website is offering Hogan quite the payday for his approval of the film’s release.

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