Sh*t, you’re right.

Links

NFL Sunday School: The Colts Deliver Top-Notch Ruin Porn - Jon Bois asks, “What is the most Goldeneye weapon of all time?” by comparing them to NFL players. At least I think that’s what’s going on. My best memories of Jon and Goldeneye are of us hooking it up, him viciously killing me for about half an hour, then me never wanting to play again. [SBN]

Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts Sucktardery - Sometimes I wish I wrote for KSK so I could get away with words like “sucktardery”. I want to describe Andy Dalton has “transgenderiffic”. And my KSK name would be “Space Ghost, But A Horse”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Geeky Lunch Bag Art from an Awesome Dad - If Awesome Dad was truly Awesome Dad, he wouldn’t have let his son be named “Dylan”. These are pretty good, though. The most interest my parents ever gave school lunch was giving me a dollar 25. [Gamma Squad]

Bruce Hornsby On Tupac: “The Original ‘Changes’ Was A Lot Dirtier” - I hope it included a line about how Tupac f**ked Bruce Hornsby’s wife. [Smoking Section]

Darth Vader’s “Noooo!” Edited into Other Classic Movies - This shouldn’t be funny, but it really is. The Raiders part had me cracking up. [UPROXX]

Megan Fox on Shia LaBeouf, Her Public Image and Starting Over With ‘Friends With Kids’ - Hopefully “starting over” means taking off her Sugar & Spice bank robbery mask and going back to being that super, super hot girl from “Two & A Half Men”. [Moviefone]

Amy Winehouse’s Dad: Going Sober Killed Her - Everyone Else to Amy Winehouse’s Dad: No, It Probably Had More To Do With Her Taking A Sh*tload Of Drugs And Being A Strung-Out Junkie For 20 Years, Guy. [UPROXX]

Miss Japan Is Awesome - She absolutely is. Her English isn’t great, but she’s still more coherent and likable than Miss South Carolina. Japan, we must protect against AIDS, such as. [Warming Glow]

Celebrity Encounter: Schwarzenegger Snubs Shatner over Burritos - Celebrity Encounter, or “let’s see who was in touch with reality most recently”. The answer is Shatner, between the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” and the first movie. [Film Drunk]

11 Hats Modeled by This Cat - Yes, this is an Internet thing. [Buzzfeed]

Ricky Gervais, Jon Stewart, and Louis CK will host a mock Golden Globes telecast - They should give every award to Tyler Perry. OH MY LERDDDDD [FARK]

Santa and Jesus Remembered 9/11 - Sorry for the old South Park meme. [The Daily What]

Ah, the first Monday NFL hangover of 2011. And what a Sunday it was, friends. We’ll soon be discussing all sorts of things like last night’s poopfest between Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo, as well as all the college football drama you can swallow. In the meantime, enjoy these links.

(and just like these girls, we want to thank the fire fighters and place men)

(Video via The Daily What.)

Links

Who The Heck Are These Guys: The FilmDrunk Guide To Happy Madison - Every entry should just be “gets to make movies because he’s friends with Adam Sandler”, but you don’t really get to those guys until page 4. [Film Drunk]

‘Home Improvement’ Reunion: Jonathan Taylor Thomas Turns 30 - And he looks weird. Welcome to your future, Bieber. Now do Wild America 2. |Warming Glow|

The Internet Improves Upon The Art Of The Old Masters with Fat Cat Photoshops - Children 80 years from now are gonna be learning that cats were actually in these paintings, and it’s all our fault. We’re creating Idiocracy by accident, people. [Gamma Squad]

Internet Rallies To Help Mentally Disabled Man Whose Superman Collection Was Stolen - Sometimes the Internet is a cool place. Although really, who steals a Superman collection from a mentally disabled person? There are like eight different questions of “why” in that. [UPROXX]

Wait, There’s a Postapocalyptic Porn? And It’s Serious? - Yeah right, like you didn’t know this was a thing. How hard is it to put some buttf**king in a remake of The Road? Not very. [Gamma Squad]

All Of The Musicians You Were Conceived To Reunite For Hilarity - I like David D., but he is severely overestimating my parents if he thinks they were doing it to Jodeci. My parents conceived me to Andrew Gold, pretty sure. [Smoking Section]

South Park Guys Crash NYU Writing Class - I would give any amount of money for Trey Parker to crash something I’m doing. I don’t care if I’m doing open heart sugery, I want him to lean in the room and yell DOOK ERR JERBSSSS. [Warming Glow[

Of Course Bridesmaids Has A Porn Parody - Torrent or it didn't happen. Why can't Kristen Wiig be in this one? [Film Drunk]

Meet the Real Life Russian Barbie Doll - Feel like I’ve already met this lady like 40 times. [Buzzfeed]

Daughter of F1 boss spends $1.6 million on crystal bathtub, says “it’s worth it” - This is how I felt when I paid 15 dollars for the pot holder that looks like Pac-Man. [FARK]

Rumor: Henry Cavill’s Too-Sexy ‘Man of Steel’ Suit May Have to Go - Rumor: somebody finally realized they were making another goddamn Superman movie and nobody is going to pay to see it, so they’ve got to call “too much bulge” and shut it down. [Moviefone]

16 Celebrities Who Fled the Midwest For Hollywood - I want to see somebody make a list of the 16,000 other people who did this and ended up selling t-shirts on the side of the road. [The Smoking Jacket]

In a pro football world where wearing high-top cleats to honor the passing of Johnny Unitas can earn you a $25,000 fine, it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that players hoping to wear red, white and blue gear on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is a punishable offense. Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tweeted about his new patriotic Reebok gear and how he expects to be fined for wearing it. So did Kansas City Chiefs running back Jamaal Charles. So did Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley and Tennssee Titans quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and most of the San Diego Chargers. So whether or not the league approves, they can’t fine everybody for supporting their country … can they?

Briggs:

Reebok great job on these gloves and shoes..looks like I’m getting fined this week. Lol! By far the best fine I will ever have to pay. Thanks…Fines for gloves could be as much as 5k..the shoes 8-10k I think. not 100% on the shoe fine.

Is wearing 9/11 commemorative gear “showboating”? Is it being done to draw attention to the players who choose to break the rules? To give them more media coverage? I’m blogging about them. I think it’s a valid consideration, but when your talking point is “do I or do I not want to show respect and reverence to my country’s worst tragedy in my lifetime” I’d hope the simple gesture of fellowship and patriotism would not go hand-in-hand with the Lambeau Leap. At the same time, what are Never Forget gloves accomplishing, and isn’t there probably a better way for rich people to show their support to the victims of the attacks?

Regardless, don’t assume the league is totally heartless: the NFL and NFLPA will donate $1 million to related charities and memorials. Of course, the average NFL team is worth about $1.04 billion and ESPN just completed an eight-year extension worth as much as $1.9 billion annually with the NFL for the rights to Monday Night Football, so the issues of “how much can we give” and “how much can we take away from you” sort of go hand in hand.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

I was in the shower when the first tower was hit. Read the rest of this entry »