"And that girl, and that girl, and that girl, and that girl and her mom, and that girl..."

Last time we checked in on Chris Paul’s adorable young son, he was giving us a good laugh at his dad’s expense, as CP3 asked him, “Who dunks?” to which he replied, “Blake!” The question, of course, came after the elder Paul threw down an impressive two-handed Phi Slamma Jamma against the New Orleans Hornets, and dunking isn’t usually his deal. But thanks to that cute little response, CP3’s kid became a star, and that means that Justin Bieber is ready to give him a true lesson in swag.

At last Thursday’s complete drubbing of the Boston Celtics, ever the convenient Los Angeles sports fan, Bieber took young Paul under his wing and did things like “take him to the concession stand”, which has quotes around it because you know he was parading this little dude in front of every girl at that game. And we already know all too well that Bieber doesn’t give a crap about what happens at NBA games, so I rest my case.

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That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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Illinois representative Luis Gutierrez knows the secrets to arguing about important, real-life things on the Internet — sarcasm, topicality and, if possible, Justin Bieber-related photoshops. He also knows that if you mention sports guys, sports sites can report it as Sports News.

In sports news:

Rep. Luis Gutierrez took to the House floor on Wednesday morning to address Arizona’s immigration law — particularly the portion of it that the Supreme Court refrained from striking down. Railing against what he saw as the inherent racial profiling in the policy, Gutierrez hammered his point with what was basically a game of Guess Which One’s The Immigrant.

Beside an easel that presented side-by-side pictures of the celebrities he invoked, Gutierrez said the “show me your papers” aspect of Arizona’s policy isn’t just a problem for anyone who looks “like they might have come to America from somewhere else. It’s a problem for every American who cares about freedom.” Sarcastically commending Arizona law enforcement for being able to discern undocumented immigrants not by their looks, Gutierrez said, “Maybe with practice we can all become like Arizona politicians and police officers who are able to telepathically determine who to accuse of not belonging in America.”

Guess Which One’s The Immigrant includes an amazing pronunciation of “Geraldo Rivera”, segues into Justin Bieber learning about his adopted homeland from Selena Gomez and peaks with California’s Jeremy Lin being compared/contrasted with Belgium’s Tony Parker. The only way he could’ve made it more applicable to the Internet would be a page that was nothing but the Kate Upton GQ cover so he could point at it, say “this is Kate Upton” and flip to the next page without mentioning immigrants.

He’s making a good point. No law should exist where you can legally just look at somebody and decide they’re something. That’s day one manners. Get your shit together, Arizona, and don’t make Gutierrez break out the cat memes.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]

I read through a lot of gossip sites and strange, random fan blogs each week, not because I want to actually know anything about the personal lives of fame-starved reality trolls, but because we like to make fun of really stupid stuff that people do. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go much further than NFL.com for this week’s most asinine celebrity idea, and of course it involves our favorite Man of Every Hour, Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow.

There’s no doubt that Tebow’s stock is higher than ever after the Broncos’ win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday – even the mayor of Pittsburgh is Tebowing – and he has already been dealing with rumors that he may have been responsible for skier Lindsey Vonn’s recent divorce. So apparently that was enough for NFL.com to ask: “Hey, what if Tebow knocked up a bunch of married women? What would those little hell-bound, soulless bastards look like?”

And thanks to the site MorphThings.com, the fine folks at NFL.com got their answers. Their incredibly weird-looking, borderline creepy answers.

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A month ago, I attended an event and may or may not have spoken with some Orlando Magic higher-ups who may or may not have informed me that before moving to Winnipeg, the Atlanta Thrashers were offered to Orlando. Certain one-percenters declined, though, and Winnipeg sort of got its Jets back. The reason I tell that worthless story is that Winnipeg fans should really hate the city of Orlando right now.

Saturday night, as the Jets laid a 5-3 hurting on the Carolina Hurricanes, pint-sized Tegan and Sara lookalike contest winner pop star Justin Bieber was spitting mad game at his special boo, Selena Gomez. But the real to-do involves their personalized Jets jerseys above and their subtle number choices. The fan site, JustinBieberZone.com, asks the hard-hitting question:

We kinda wonder, is that their lucky number or something? Dirty mind please go away!

I assume it’s because “SCISSOR” isn’t a number. But I don’t want to be too hard on the Biebz or his fans, especially since they’re insane, so I’ll just tell them to come back and visit when they try to understand Bieber’s 420 Toronto Blue Jays jersey.

Speaking of Bieber fans, I can’t bring them up without getting a sample of their thoughts on the suggestive jerseys…

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AHHH MR. FREEZE IS HERE I GET TO FIGHT MR. FREEZE

AHHHH I GOT THE GRAPNEL BOOST NOW I CAN BATMAN AROUND TOWN

AHHHHHHHHH

Links

The 10 Finest Celebrity Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses - I don’t know if I hate this or if I love it, so click over and decide for yourself. And while we’re at it, ears sorta look like Foot Soldier heads. [UPROXX]

FilmDrunk’s Guide to Oscar Season - It’s going to be really depressing when The Help wins everything. No movie wherein “MMM MMM I LOVES ME SOME FRIED CHICKEN” is said without irony should be considered for major awards in 2011. [Film Drunk]

YES: Carla Gugino Joins ‘Justified’! (Bonus: Gratuitous Carla Gugino Gallery) - From a Kevin Arnold love interest to a Zack Morris love interest to a The Comedian love interest, Carla Gugino has been sexy and awesome for at least 20 years. At least. [Warming Glow]

The Best And Worst of WWE Raw 10/17: El Mejor Y Peor - Don’t forget to read and comment on this. It’s right below you! It’s the one with pictures of muscly girls in their underpants! [With Leather]

Soulja Boy Arrested For Weed, Releases Movie All In One Day - Tomorrow when he wakes up, he should take a look at himself in the mirror and ask, “What’s up?” [Smoking Section]

Mo’ Worlds, Mo’ Problems: Future World, Fifth World and Ancient History Problems - C-A-R, P-A, T-H-I-A, no info for the, D-E-A. [Gamma Squad]

Selena Gomez Gets Her Gangsta’ On - I want your life, Justin Bieber. I want it. I will use my Genesis Machine to steal your youth. [Buzzfeed]

Is This the Best or Worst Movie Costume in History? - The worst. THE WORST. [Moviefone]

Adult Swim’s Oddities of Stop Motion - This is honestly a really cool list, and one that makes me wish more Internet top tens or whatever attempted objectivity. [Adult Swim]

Cannot Be Unseen of the Day - The best news about America in at least a few years. [The Daily What]

5 TV Characters That Prove You Don’t Have to Be “Manly” to Be an Awesome Man - Crush girls now. Couldn’t last year. Oh you like me now? Well that’s weird. [Pajiba]

An Amazing Super Mario Bros. Wedding Invitiation - My friends Randy and Jenny just got married using Scott Pilgrim-themed invitations just like this. I hope the “Congratulations! You Chose Vegan!!!” card graphic is just Toad shrugging his shoulders. [Unreality]