… but more importantly, he’s got a Shawn Kemp apron. Where the hell can I buy one of those things? (via Ball Don’t Lie)

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Links

12 Steps to Making the Next Season of ‘The Office’ More Watchable |Warming Glow|

5 Albums Coming Out This Week That Don’t Suck |UPROXX|

With Leather, With Love: The World’s Fattest Woman Is Getting Married! |With Leather|

So This Happened: Captain Kirk, Spock, Scotty, And Sherlock Holmes Went To Hooters |Gamma Squad|

PICTURE: Avengers in High School – Hawkeye had a bomb-ass flat top mullet |Film Drunk|

Patrick Ewing To Join Jordan’s Charlotte Bobcats As Head Coach? |Smoking Section|

Nelly Furtado Is Back From The Dead With ‘Big Hoops (Bigger The Better)’ Video |UPROXX|

Is This What The Coming Apple HDTV Will Look Like? |UPROXX|

Real Life “Pulp Fiction”: Memphis Robbers Macabre Torture Tactics |Smoking Section|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim! |Film Drunk|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 5/7/12: All Hail Our New Robot Overlord |With Leather|

Who’s Gotten Around More: The Justice League Or The Avengers? |Gamma Squad|

Chevy Chase Is Still a Relentless Insufferable D*ck |Warming Glow|

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Wow, what a day for speculation in the NBA! First some black-and-white airbrush Brooklyn logos show up and now the city of New Orleans may be in danger of losing the Hornets franchise to those troublemakers up in Seattle. After the league’s recent purchase of the Hornets, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer coincidentally sold $1.4 billion worth of stock and he’s been very open about his desire to return a NBA franchise to the Emerald City.

Now I know what you’re thinking – “Burnsy, aren’t your abs naturally sculpted and isn’t it pretty common for a billionaire to just up and sell $1.4 billion worth of stock?” And to be honest, I read the figure “$1.4 billion” and lost control of my bowels, blacked out and woke up in a puddle of my own tears. Regardless, Seattle is making a push to replace the void left by the Sonics’ move to Oklahoma City after David Stern left a flaming bag of dog poop on the entire city’s doorstep.

Per the Seattle Post-Intelligencer…

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Saint Andrew's Net is With Leather's daily link dump. In Germany, I hear, they have graphic link porn.

• MLB players are haunted by the fans struck by their foul balls, Walkoff Walk discovers. It's a wonder, then, why more players don't flock to the Marlins.
• Puck Daddy clues us into the news that The Rock will play the Tooth Fairy in an upcoming role. Oh, that's supposed to be a hockey player. There about as many tooth fairies as Samoan and black hockey players out there, so why not?
• Busted Coverage finds some WTO protest quality signs at the Save the Sonics rally. Eh, without the eco terrorism, it's just not the same.
• The Associated Press hopes to charge bloggers by the word when excerpting their articles, Fanhouse reports. Sucks for them when I just remove the spaces between all the words.
• Machochip questions the practicality of limb lengthening surgery. Staring at Belen Rodriguez counts as surgery now? 

Send your tips and submissions for Saint Andrew's Net to withleather@gmail.com.

Seattle Supersonics rookie Kevin Durant hit a three at the end of a 2nd overtime last night to lead the streaking Sonics past the Atlanta Hawks 126-123 last night.

Sonics coach P.J. Carlesimo praised guard Wally Szczerbiak for making a nearly perfect pass to the rookie star. "Wally made a good decision, and Kevin was able to get off the shot and hit it," Carlesimo said. "He'll probably do this many, many times before his career is over."

Yes, it's all in the pass. The article doesn't say whether it was a bounce pass or a chest pass, but white players are experts at both. If there's one thing you can say about white players it's that they know they're fundamentals, such as accurate and timely passing . . . to their black teammates.  Cleveland also won last night, as LeBron James scored 40 points to help defeat the Jazz and stole the ball from Carlos Boozer to end the game:

"That's my guy," James said. "I love him. We had a great year and were starting to do some great things. I know the fans may not see it that way, but I have no hard feelings for Booze."

I love booze too, and I never harbor any ill will against him even when I awaken in an alley with my trousers undone and some scenes missing in memory of the revelry of the previous night. Although, I wish he'd let me know before I'm served with summons to court. -KD 

Photo Credit: Getty Images

With the NBA playoffs over, basketball fans turned their eyes to last night's draft lottery, which is unnecessarily televised every year.  As you've certainly heard by now, the Portland Trail Blazers get their choice of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, while the embattled Sonics of the Emerald City got the second pick — forcing experts to wonder whether Oden/Durant can save hoops in Seattle, whether Portland will take Oden or Durant (Definitely Oden!  Definitely Durant!), and whether or not this milk is still good.  Like, the carton says it doesn't expire until tomorrow, but it already smells funny, you know?

Oh yeah, and if you watched the lottery you saw the clown in the #20 Celtics jersey with "Oden" on the back.  The Celtics will pick fifth, which means that there is a God, and he didn't like Bill Simmons's idea of karma, either.

Full lottery results after the jump. 

1. Portland Trail Blazers

2. Seattle Sonics

3. Atlanta Hawks (sorry, Phoenix) 

4. Memphis Grizzlies 

5. Boston Celtics (HAW-ha!)

6. Milwaukee Bucks

7. Minnesota Timberwolves

8. Charlotte Bobcats

9. Chicago Bulls (from Knicks — thanks, Isiah!)

10. Sacaramento Kings

11. Atlanta Hawks (from Indiana)

12. Philadelphia 76ers

13. New Orleans Hornets

14. L.A. Clippers 

Oh yeah, you should peep Peter Schrager's experience at the draft.  He's a good man.  And thorough. 

The Seattle Supersonics may be the Las Vegas Supersonics beginning in the '08-'09 season:

Las Vegas' goal of landing an NBA franchise is still alive after commissioner David Stern said Friday he will appoint a committee of owners to study the proposal Mayor Oscar Goodman submitted about how his city would handle a team.  The NBA currently has no team to move. But that could change in a year.  Stern said the SuperSonics updated the board on the "disappointing week that they had there in terms of not even a vote on their measure."

Oh, if Shawn Kemp was still playing for the Sonics and made the move to "Sin City".  This would have made your hard-working Assistant Editor's job so much easier as there would be an obligatory Kemp/Showgirl post every hour similar to the daily Dan Quayle lampoon on the Tonight Show in the '80s.  Alas.  Vegas may want to find some dealers and croupiers who aren't so easily offended before they secure a NBA franchise.  Also, I predict the Las Vegas Shooters (Hot Hands, Rain Makers, Ballers, Newtons, etc.) will have the hottest dance team in the Association.  The possibilities boggle the mind and . . . other areas of my anatomy.  I've heard that the most voluptuous ladies in the nation fly in every weekend just to "perform" for honorable gentlemen.  

Oklahoma City would seem to be the likely destination if the Sonics do move, since [Sonics' owner Clay] Bennett is from there and the city strongly supported the New Orleans Hornets over the last two seasons.

Hmm, Vegas or OK City?  Where would today's NBAer rather play? -KD