Holy crap.  Injury Rate of FanIQ! at the Disco just gave me the joy equivalent of four Oregon lineman calendars when he turned up these early-21st century commercials for Seattle Sonics promotions.  They star little-known Predrag "Peja" Drobnjak and his even littler-known cat Jinkkies.  The one above also features former Sonic Jerome James as an alien bear, which — admit it — is a role he was born to play. 

No team in Oklahoma City could ever have commercials this awesome.  Which is why Sonics owner Clay Bennett's final agonizing moments of life will be spent with me fornicating with his eye sockets.  I will then bleach his skull and use it as a chalice.  No, a coffee mug.  I'd get more use out of a coffee mug.

I don't talk about the Seattle Sonics much in this forum, partly because I take Clay Bennett's hijacking of the team to Oklahoma City too personally to laugh about it, but mostly because the situation's too complex to boil down in pithy little blog posts.  There are simply too many factors — from the Seattle taxpayers' history of building stadiums, to the maze of lies, villainy, and cowardice that will send the team to the Dust Bowl — to wrap it up with a nice dick joke.

Nevertheless, I still need to post videos like this one from a decade ago, where NBA commissioner David Stern says how amazing the newly renovated KeyArena is, and how proud the people of Seattle should be of it.  That sentiment differs slightly from his viewpoint today, which is that KeyArena is unsuitable for an NBA franchise that happens to be owned by his close personal friend who wants to move the team to a backwater market.

Seriously, I wouldn't cross the street to piss on David Stern if he were on fire.  Although I'd probably cross the street to get a better look, and to keep other people from dousing the flames.  Cocksucker.

[Buzzer Beater / Supersonicsoul via SbB]

I'm still sifting through yesterday's events, and uhhhh… this score kinda popped out at me: Nuggets 168, Sonics 116.

"A lot of people are going to think it’s a misprint," [Denver forward Kenyon] Martin said. "A lot of people will think there’s no way they scored that many points. It’s unbelievable. There are no words for it."

Kelly Dwyer at Ball Don't Lie uses some statistics and matrices and scientific jibba-jabba to point out that the Nuggets' defense was actually as impressive as their offense in the win, and how he got past his eyeballs popping out of his skull while making an AWOOOOOGA!!! sound upon seeing that score will remain a mystery.

As usual, I blame Clay Bennett.  God I hate that guy.  I wish Seattlites weren't such pussies.  Any other city would have gotten an angry mob to hang him by his own intestines by now.

It seems kind of late in the day for an NBA roundup, but sometimes news items like people getting shot and giving other people the business just has to take priority.  Besides, I'd be remiss if I didn't write about how fucking awful the Bulls and Sonics are.  In 1996 they squared off in the NBA Finals, and the Sonics were probably the best team in the '90s to lose to Jordan's Bulls.  And now they're dogshit.

Following a loss to the bag of ass that is the New York Knicks, the Bulls fell to 2-10 with a 93-78 loss in Toronto.  Raps rookie Jamario Moon went wild with 15 points, nine rebounds, six blocks, and three steals, while Jose Calderon more than filled in for the injured T.J. Ford with 19 points and 14 assists (FYI: The Basketball Jones's Tas Melas frequently contests that Calderon is a better PG for Toronto than Ford).  Meanwhile, the Sonics' hopes for a shining future in the urbane metropolis of Oklahoma City are overshadowed by a 2-12 record and an 0-6 mark at KeyArena following their 116-101 loss to San Antonio.  Kevin Durant shot 11-for-15 for 25 points, but that hardly matters when the Big Gay Three combine for 70 points.

Elsewhere in the Association: Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams's reign of tyranny continues unabated; Jazz beat Pistons… Cavs defeat Pacers LeBron notches fourth triple-double in 14 games this season.  Apparently that's more than most players… Jason Kidd breaks out the cookie on the Lakers as Nets don't suck for third consecutive game.

Ever since the Starbucks owner guy sold the Supersonics to a group of businessmen from Oklahoma City, it's been a forgone conclusion that the jackasses in cowboy hats would move the team.  And all this time the NBA and the city of Seattle have done little more than whimper like little bitches about it.  Well, that seems to be changing.

First, minority owner Aubrey McClendon confirmed what everyone already knew when he told a newspaper that they bought the Sonics with no intention of keeping them in Seattle.  McClendon got slapped with a $250,000 fine from David Stern, which is slightly more than I'm going to make this month.  And now Seattle seems to be a little more determined to keep the team in the Emerald City regardless of Clay Bennett's intentions:

Deputy Mayor Tim Ceis, who said in June that any lease could be renegotiated, now is drawing a much firmer line in the sand. [...]

"Their desire to leave town is really not the city's problem," Ceis said Wednesday. "That is their problem. They bought a team that they knew had a lease through the 2010 season. We think staying is their best option. [...] We think Mr. Bennett should work with us to that end. Or perhaps they bought the wrong franchise. Maybe they need to consider that. They may have ownership on paper, but the Sonics are still Seattle's team."

Bennett has made clear his intentions of moving the team to OKC, even though he's admitted that the team will make less money there.  Basically he's being a dick just because he can.  Listen, I'm not an advocate of vigilante justice, and I'd never publicly call for someone to be brutally murdered, but if police find Bennett hacked to pieces in a Dumpster, I'd like to be friends with whomever is responsible for his grisly death.  Just sayin'.

Freakin' everybody with a love of the NBA and at least a partially formed cerebellum is sharing their thoughts on last night's draft, so I'll spare you my perfectly ill-formed thoughts.  Besides, I get paid to make dead hooker jokes, not provide analysis.

However, as a fan of All Things Pacific Northwest — except white people with dredlocks, I can't fucking stand them — I'd like to congratulate the Blazers and Sonics for giving the NBA a new center of gravity.  Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went #1 and #2 as expected, then new Seattle GM Sam Presti shipped Ray Allen to Boston for Jeff Green at #5 plus Theo Ratliff Delonte West and Wally Sczerbiak.  The Blazers, as expected, unloaded Zach Randolph — and though many credited Isiah Thomas for getting a 20-10 guy for Steve freakin Francis, you can expect the Blazers to buy out the Franchise to get some cap room.

Lots more to discuss, but none of it pertains to strippers and booze (not until Randolph gets to NYC, anyway), so I'm checking out of the discussion.  In the meantime, I recommend you all check in at TrueHoop, where Henry Abbott has been killin' it on location — his talks with some of the tops draft picks shows how good blogging is better than straight journalism — and also the fabulosity that is Miss Gossip.  Let's hear your draft thoughts and cancer jokes in the comments.