Chances are about 70% of our updates for the next week and a half are going to involve Kate Upton in a baseball cap, so here’s another one, but at least this one has a moral. Watch with differing levels of delight as Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation fails to properly operate a camera while interviewing celebrity softballers Upton and Erin Andrews about their roles in the week’s festivities (note: based on this and other videos, their role was to laugh affably while people pressured them to get naked). Andrews and Upton show off the respective Red Sox and Yankees patches on their jerseys because those are the only two teams that exist, prompting Kate to ask Pratt what’s on his.

Now, if Kate Upton asked me what was on anything of mine I would faint like a fat Victorian lady, but I’m not Andy Dwyer (or Scott Hatteberg). Pratt tries to play it off with a joke, but the women are wondering what the hell he’s doing sporting nautical iconography on his jersey, so he explains it with the kind of honest sports answer that makes jerks like me a fan of his for life.

I’m a Mariners fan from Seattle, so that’s why I came here. My wife and I are both from Seattle, and we love the Mariners.

Awesome. I like to think Kate Upton had a Cosmo Canyon planetarium moment and is going to spend the next two weeks googling “Mariners” and laughing at the moose.

Of course, Wikipedia tells me Pratt was born in Minnesota (and his wife, actress Anna Faris, is from Baltimore), but I won’t hold that against them. Where you’re from is where you feel like you’re from, and even though I only spent four years living in Ohio I refer to myself as being “from Cleveland”. Besides, I would feel terrible if I found out one of my favorite TV characters liked the Twins.

Party Otter is the perfect wingman for Russell Branyan.

It seems like there’s an odd baseball injury every other day, and this time the victim is Russell Branyan of the Seattle Mariners. Russell was hanging out in his hotel room, minding his own business, when he was mauled by a table in his hotel room. The tabled injured his toe so badly that he was kept out of the Mariners’ game on Thursday.

Russell Branyan had a moment like that early Thursday morning. Branyan, who was just re-acquired by the Seattle Mariners in a trade a few weeks ago, was left out of the Mariners lineup on Thursday night because of a bad toe. A toe that was allegedly the victim of a vicious attack from a hotel room table.

According to his manager, Don Wakamatsu, Branyan went to close the curtains in his hotel room at 5 a.m. this morning when the table unleashed its attack. The table toppled over and landed on Branyan’s toe, cutting it and bruising it before making off with Branyan’s wallet.

Or more likely until Branyan said a naughty word, hopped around for a second and picked the table back up. –MLB Fanhouse

That table must have been made by a pretty piss poor carpenter if it’s just falling over for no reason. I’ve always hated hotel furniture. The chairs they put in your room are never comfortable. Not to mention they always tuck the sheets in too tightly. Hotel staffing is terrible. In an unrelated story, tenements used to house over 10 people in windowless rooms. Read the rest of this entry »

UPDATE: Now with working video.

Things haven’t been going too swimmingly for the Seattle Mariners lately, having signed Erik Bedard’s injuries to a huge contract, trading away Carlos Silva and his wins for Milton Bradley’s crazy ass, and recently trading Cliff Lee to their division rivals, the Texas Rangers, because they can’t score any runs to win games. Luckily for fans, Seattle still has Ichiro Suzuki, a future Hall-of-Famer, outstanding hitter, and one sweet ladies man.

As the Mariners (35-53) dropped three games out of four to the New York Yankees over the weekend, a few sports anchors had a good time with a moment from Thursday night’s 3-1 Yankee victory. Chasing a foul ball into the right field seats, Ichiro bumped into a young lady and promptly apologized for it by touching her leg. The rest is one girl’s long, strange journey into womanhood.

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Either Cliff Lee constantly smells like farts and vinegar or he is just a terrible person, because the former Indians, Phillies, and current Mariners pitcher seems to move more than Travis Henry’s sperm. The latest news on Lee is that he’s practically a Yankee – a done deal, as Buster Olney’s sources tell him. Olney writes that an “executive involved in the trade talks” claims it’s “just about done,” a statement that must have made several other GMs and team presidents say, “Oh really?”

While the addition of Lee to a rotation that already features C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Phil Hughes, Andy Pettite and that other guy sounds pretty darn tootin’, it’s also not happening just yet. Other pundits are predicting that this New York media assumption that the best player available will be a Yankee should light a fire under one of the other teams desperate for Lee’s services. That’s not to be confused with Hyapatia Lee’s services, which once commanded $5,000 per hour at her peak.

Who else wants a piece of Cliff’s Lee?

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Despite being the backup catcher of the Seattle Mariners, Jason Phillips is just an ordinary guy. Which explains why was perusing the Safeco stands just over a year ago looking over some of Seattle’s finest talent. The catcher, who spends more than half of his gameday in the bullpen, finally met eyes with a business woman entertaining clients.

“If we go extra innings, I’m gonna make a move,” Phillips said. “If we go to extra innings, that’s gotta be a sign.”

The game with the Oakland A’s went into extra innings. Phillips grabbed a baseball, scribbled his number on it, got the woman’s attention and tossed it to her. And for the rest of the game, he was left to wonder how she’d respond. He couldn’t wait to return to the clubhouse and check his messages. Naturally, the game would drag for 15 excruciating innings.

But by then, she had sent him a text message: “My name is Molly. Nice to meet you.” –Seattle Times.1

And now Phillips and Molly Ray will be getting married Sunday. In the Mariners bullpen, about 90 minutes after their matinee game ends. I wonder if they’ll consummate it in those little bullpen cars. Are those even around anymore? If I was a relief pitcher, I’d take that damn car everywhere. Hey guys, I’mma make a quick run to Wendy’s. You want anything? If coach asks, tell him I’m takin’ a dump. Oh, and congrats. Or something.

I went to an interleague game at Safeco last May. Giants at Mariners: Randy Johnson was looking for career win #299 in his final start in Seattle (he gave up one run in 5.1 innings and left to a standing ovation), and the game ended in 12 innings on Jose Lopez’s RBI single off the left field wall, but the most memorable part of the night belonged to Ken Griffey, Jr.

With the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth inning of a tied game, the 39-year-old Griffey approached the plate to the loudest I’ve ever heard a sports stadium — and I’d seen Griffey hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth to tie a game in the Kingdome some sixteen or seventeen years prior. For four pitches, we were all on our feet, refusing to stop screaming or clapping, generating electricity, doing everything we could do to will this aging hero to one more feat of greatness.

On the fourth pitch, Griffey unleashed that classic swing, hit a towering fly ball to deep center, and for a few breathless seconds, as I tracked the ball’s flight, I was a kid again, full of wonder at my childhood idol… until Aaron Rowand made the catch at the wall.

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