New York Rangers star Sean Avery is famous for two things: wearing Auntie Nelda’s glasses and for battling homophobia in sports by interning at a 500-page perfume ad. Now he gets to be TMZ Famous for being arrested after one of the lamest police officer assault charges of all time.

The first report:

NHL star Sean Avery was arrested early this morning after he shoved a police officer who was trying to break up a loud party at his home in the Hollywood Hills … TMZ has learned.

According to law enforcement sources, a neighbor called police to complain about the noise coming from Avery’s home. When police arrived at about 1:00 AM, we’re told Avery answered the door … then shoved a cop and slammed the door behind him.

Sounds pretty uneventful, right? I wanted to pretend it happened exactly like that; a cop knocks on the door of Sean Avery’s hipster jazz party or masquerade ball or whatever and Avery answers, so the cop’s all “good evening sir I’m with the-” and Avery just shoves him and slams the door. But I guess the story was only getting shared on hockey blogs and wasn’t sensational enough, so a few hours later TMZ peppered it up with drama, name-calling and a celebrity romance flowchart. NHL star Sean Avery challenged cops to a FIGHT (their capitalization, not mine) and called the officers “fat little pigs”. Oh lord.

Sources tell us 31-year-old Avery immediately began running his mouth at the cops — telling them he would fight all of them … even challenging them to, “Come back without your badges.”

During the incident, Avery — who famously dated Elisha Cuthbert a while back — allegedly shoved an officer and slammed the front door on the cops.

We’re told cops began speaking with Avery through the door — and warned him that if he didn’t open the door, they would break it down. That’s when Avery decided to open up and cooperate.

I’m going to share this with you now, in the hopes that TMZ will get enough people talking and won’t have to start reporting the races of the policemen.

Sean Avery, the undisputed most hated man in a hockey arena, was at his havoc wreaking best over the weekend when he ‘snowed’ Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro in a classic show of douchebaggery on par with most Enrique Iglesias music videos then proceeded to hightail it away from a fighting opportunity when he was challenged by Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski. Avery’s payment? Getting a free showing of how much his self worth relates to a certain way of vesticle scrubbing in the eyes of the Islanders. I applaud your impeccable form, young padawan! Read the rest of this entry »

Less than two weeks ago, Sean Avery said other NHL players picked up his “sloppy seconds.”  Certainly not classy, but well within the realm of expectations for a mouthy agitator like Avery.  Now, as if his six-game suspension wasn’t draconian enough, Stars GM Brett Hull — Avery’s roommate during his rookie season — has announced that Avery will not play for Dallas again.

“We don’t want to ruin Sean or his career. We want him to get better,” Hull said. “The team needs to move on and start winning and he needs to take care of himself. … As a hockey player, I think there’s no question he can be an asset. That said, he’s got to fix the demons he has. It becomes such a huge distraction that it almost takes away from his ability to play the game.”

The move comes after Stars coach Dave Tippett and team leaders Mike Modano and Marty Turco all said they didn’t want Avery back, leaving Hull to renege on the 4-year, $15.5M deal he gave Avery.

All because he said “sloppy seconds.”  That blows my mind.  I could write “sloppy seconds” on this blog and it would be the 57th-least offensive thing I wrote on any given day.  Assuming I met my daily quota for Gypsy-extermination jokes.  Who wants those filthy transients around anyway?

Even before Sean Avery’s “sloppy seconds” comment got him suspended, he was widely reviled as a weaselly asshole.  The final twelve seconds of the above video, which show Avery jawing with a fan on October 11th, is just one example of fans not liking him (and vice versa).  In a pretty awesome piece of grassroots journalism, FanHaus’s Eric McErlain tracked down and interviewed that fan, 59-year-old Sandie Griffith, a Predators season ticket holder since the franchise’s inception.

Griffith insisted to me that while she taunted Avery, she never used foul language. So what was Avery’s response? According to Griffith, Avery said, “You’re nothing but an old f**king c*nt, I wouldn’t even c*m in your face.” After which he sprayed her with his water bottle.

I have to hand it to Avery.  I’ve been using foul language with misogynistic overtones on this blog every day for well over two years now, and I’ve never written anything as bad as that.  And I’m hidden away in my apartment behind a computer screen; he said it to her face.  He’s so brave!

A day after being suspended, NHL heel Sean Avery predictably apologized for his off-color comments about other players picking up his “sloppy seconds.”  Apologies must be awesome if you’re a pro athlete.  You don’t actually have to face anyone and say you’re sorry.  Just have the team’s publicist fill in the details to the form apology letter and let them release it to the press wires.

“I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate. It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past.”

It goes on like that for a while, with specific apologies to his teammates, fans, the league, Canada, the director of The Girl Next Door, Rod Stewart, and so on until you can practically see Sean Avery reading it over and making a wanking motion.

In related news, The Sporting Blog found this fun poll that was part of a FOXSports.com story on Avery.  I’m not sure what they mean by “going five-hole.”  If they’re trying to insinuate something, I’m not sure where the fifth hole is.  Or even the fourth hole.  Although I guess in hockey the five-hole is between the goalie’s– OH MY GOD THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS.

Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery, famous for being a colossal dick on the ice, added to his infamy off of it with his comments regarding his ex-girlfriends and other NHL players (past flames Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter are now with the Flames’ Dion Phaneuf and the Kings’ Jarret Stoll, respectively).  In case you missed it, he offered this up to reporters before anyone asked him a question:

“I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

In response, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suspended Avery indefinitely.  Seriously: indefinitely. Which is awesome.  Because let’s face it, what he said was kinda true and not really all that bad.  He basically got suspended because everyone’s tired of him being a dick.

Also, I think you technically forfeit the right to use the term “sloppy seconds” if you’ve ever hit on Paris Hilton.

UPDATE: Video of the statement after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »