According to People Magazine, NBA Player to be Named Later Marko Jaric and Brazilian supermodel Adriana secretly eloped on Valentine’s Day. In related news, God clubbed a thousand baby seals and invented a deadly new STD, because why stop when He’s on a roll like this?
Adriana Lima, a Brazilian supermodel and a Victoria’s Secret Angel, eloped with NBA star [sic] Marko Jaric on Feb. 14 in Jackson Hole, Wyo., in a small, private civil ceremony, PEOPLE confirms exclusively.
“We are so excited about our future together,” says Lima. “And we are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all of our friends and family.”
The pair, who want their next wedding celebration in Brazil or Jaric’s native Serbia, met in 2006 and were engaged last June on Lima’s 27th birthday.
Theoretically, this should make all of us feel better about ourselves. If a rat-faced Slav with no discernible star power can land one of the most famous models on the planet, I should be able to travel back in time to 1960 and have a three-way with Brigitte Bardot and Sophia Loren. And yet here’s my penis, all alone in 2009. Time to start drinking. I think I’ve got some cooking wine under the sink. Oh, no cooking wine? This bleach’ll do.