The headline reads “Report: Smoking may be beneficial to long distance runners”. Some of the reasons presented?

-Serum hemoglobin is related to endurance running performance. Smoking is known to enhance serum hemoglobin levels and (added bonus), alcohol may further enhance this beneficial adaptation.
-Lung volume also correlates with running performance, and training increases lung volume. Guess what else increases lung volume? Smoking.
-Running is a weight-bearing sport, and therefore lighter distance runners are typically faster runners. Smoking is associated with reduced body weight, especially in individuals with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (these folks require so much energy just to breath that they often lose weight).

In the discussion, [author Ken Myers] goes on to point out that:

Cigarette smoking has been shown to increase serum hemoglobin, increase total lung capacity and stimulate weight loss, factors that all contribute to enhanced performance in endurance sports. Despite this scientific evidence, the prevalence of smoking in elite athletes is actually many times lower than in the general population. The reasons for this are unclear; however, there has been little to no effort made on the part of national governing bodies to encourage smoking among athletes.

Disclaimer: This study was posted in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, so it could be completely wrong. You know how they are in Canada. Don’t start smoking and send me an angry e-mail when you’re on your knees in the middle of the hurdles throwing up your guts.

Of course, when you dig a little deeper you find out that this was written less to advocate smoking for runners and more to prove that you can prove anything with a review article. I’ve been arguing this for years. Eventually you learn that everything in recorded history is wrong and the science we’ve been raised to believe as fact has been erased and rewritten every hundred years. And people are always like, “oh, no, this is true, I proved it with a bunsen burner” and I’m like “RAHHH PEOPLE USED TO PROVE THE EARTH WAS FLAT WITH A BUNSEN BURNER SHUT UP”.

Regardless, it’s a compelling argument. Next, he should prove how eating more will boost your metabolism and help you be skinny. Yeah f**king right.

If you thought you’d figured out how Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic ended up number one in the world, think again. Was it hard work? No. Natural talent? Of course not. It was his rich friend in New Jersey convinced him to sit in a pressurized-egg like the one Axl Rose owns that looks like Gypsy from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and works like a tanning bed for your mitochondrial biogenesis.

Wait, f**king what?

But now there’s something truly weird: the CVAC Pod.

Ever since last year’s U.S. Open, Djokovic has been trying to improve his fitness by climbing into a rare $75,000 egg-shaped, bobsled-sized pressure chamber.

The machine, which is made by a California-based company called CVAC Systems and hasn’t been banned by any sports governing bodies, is one of only 20 in the world.

And I guess Martina Hingis was so good because she played a lot of “Afterburner”.

A report from the Wall Street Journal says the egg “uses a computer-controlled valve and a vacuum pump to simulate high altitude and compress the muscles at rhythmic intervals”, but I’m not buying it for a second. I don’t think this man-sized flip phone can make you better at tennis by jamming you into a shrink-wrapper, I think that when nuclear war goes down they’re gonna throw these things into the vaults and use them to make us think we’re on Tranquility Lane. You know, until the Chinese show up.

I like how they mention that it isn’t banned. I want to be there when the guy in charge of tennis gets a memo reading “do you want to ban George Forman Grills For People y/n”. At least Novak has things in perspective.

“I think it really helps—not with muscle but more with recovery after an exhausting set,” he said. “It’s like a spaceship. It’s very interesting technology.”

If he makes “pshoo pshoo” noises while he’s in it, does it help the rebuilding process?

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has raised an eyebrow this week over the concern that the National Science Foundation has been wasting a great deal of money on various projects that he believes aren’t worth a diddly and the squat it rode in on. Among those projects, scientists have been running shrimp on tiny treadmills to “measure the impact of sickness on crustaceans”.

That’s right – we’re training shrimp to be the best at exercising.

The Oklahoma Republican issued a new report Thursday that concludes the National Science Foundation has misspent $3 billion on “waste, fraud, duplication and mismanagement.” It offers a list of research projects that could have been left as questions for the universe.

Among them, $2 million to analyze 38 million photos on Flickr and cross-reference them against the site’s social networking service. Turns out, researchers concluded, that friends generally post photos on the Internet depicting the same place at the same time. (Fox News)

$2 million to analyze Flickr? Let me save them some effort – it’s 30 million photos of dudes in skinny jeans drinking PBR. But let’s go back to the part that really matters – shrimp on tiny treadmills. If there is video of these alleged shrimp running on their alleged tiny treadmills, then I would say the money is well spent. Until then…

*cowboy octopus riding a seahorse crashes through wall, sprays ink message*

Oh there’s a video, friends.

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