Congrats, you've all been reinstated.

Remember back in August of 2011, when Yahoo! Sports’ Charles Robinson blew the doors open on a Miami Hurricanes scandal that had most college football fans chanting, “DEATH PENALTY! DEATH PENALTY!” At the heart of the story was a Napoleonic booster named Nevin Shapiro, who wanted so desperately to be accepted into the lore of “The U” that he planned stripper yacht parties and booze-fueled night club ragers that lasted entire weekends.

The problem was that he also planned one hell of a Ponzi scheme, and he eventually went to jail for it. That’s when he conveniently spilled the beans to Robinson about all of the players he had paid and gifts he had given over the years, and Miami had to slam on the brakes and do some serious damage control. Of course, that meant a slap on the wrist for a few guys and some crossed fingers, because after that it was all up to the NCAA’s enforcement team to determine what would happen next.

So naturally they f*cked it all up.

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When the people at the Guinness Book of World Records released the 57th edition of the most important book to women with facial hair and men with webbed toes back in September, one man was quite pleased to open the book and see his picture next to the title, “World’s Largest Arms”. That man is Milford, Massachusetts’ own Moustafa Ismail, whose upper arms measure an insane 31-inches around, as Brandon wrote about in September. In fact, his arms are so big that people have taken to call him the Egyptian Popeye. You know, that is if he doesn’t mind.

Alas, all is not well in this Egyptian’s land, because people apparently look at a guy whose arms are the size of a place kicker’s waist and say, “Gee, I think that guy used steroids.” And these accusations weren’t just coming from random people. These were message board commenters that were calling Ismail out for alleged indiscretions, and because people on the Internet are experts at everything, Guinness has stripped Ismail of his title for the time being.

Open your heart to us, Moustafa. Open as wide as your cartoonish arms.

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While I was blithering on like some handsome buffoon yesterday about the Turtle of Michael Phelps’ entourage complaining that the celebrated swimmer was spending all of his money on poker and not shoes for his friends, I was missing out on a huge scandal. Apparently some nogoodnik released two photos from Phelps’ upcoming Louis Vuitton campaign, and that’s a huge offense to the International Olympic Committee.

How serious is it? Phelps could actually lose some medals if it’s determined that he knew about this leak.

A new IOC regulation, called Rule 40, prohibits athletes from appearing in ads for non-Olympic sponsors from July 18 to Aug. 15. According to the IOC’s 19 page explainer, Rule 40 is designed to prevent ambush marketing, defined as non-Olympic sponsors trying to associate themselves with the Olympic brand. (Via CNBC)

The above image was leaked by a website in Barcelona on August 7, which is obviously much earlier than the IOC sponsorship rule allows. From there, a bevy of other websites ran the bathtub pic and another (after the jump), including the perennial Pulitzer contenders at The Daily Mail, which, according to CNBC, even managed to spell the entire title of the article correctly.

So who the hell released these photos? Will Phelps actually lose any medals? Who wears a bathing suit in the bathtub? Trust me, those questions are the least of Phelps’ worries.

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I had a lot of fun comparing the new Nebraksa Cornhuskers alternate uniforms to the jacket Kevin wears on ‘Captain N: The Game Master’, and Jesus, I wish I could have that kind of harmless fun with the announcement of Penn State Nittany Lions uniform changes. They’ve been in the news for a thing or two recently, and sadly none of it seems appropriate for me to type “do you remember this cartoon” alongside it.

Anyway, the two major changes are

1. Names on the backs of the jerseys
2. Special commemorative ribbons

Names are going on the jerseys for the hilarious reason of “holding each other accountable to uphold the traditions of Penn State football, both on and off the field”, a weird disconnect I’m not even sure my brain can process. I love the idea that if #14 wanted to do something reprehensible he’d go for it, then stop and go “oh wait, my shirt when I’m playing football says Jones on the back, people will know I’m Jones, maybe I shouldn’t”.

The ribbons thing is a little less funny.

When they take the field at Beaver Stadium for their 126th season, The Pennsylvania State University football team will wear uniforms featuring a blue ribbon to support all victims of child abuse. Also, for the first time, the names of each football player will adorn their jersey in recognition of their resolve and dedication to the team and the University.

“The Penn State community stands with all victims of child abuse,” said Acting Athletic Director David Joyner. “Coach Bill O’Brien and his football team made it clear they want to support victims and bring more awareness to this issue, which affects so many.”

“I’m proud that our players want to be part of the University’s efforts to help victims of child abuse,” O’Brien said. “We hope our fans join us in wearing blue ribbons to all Penn State home games. Together, we can make a difference in the lives of children everywhere.”

Or, more directly, “we hope our fans join us at all Penn State home games”. You know what’d be even better? If schools with programs that didn’t allow the systematic molestation of children wore ribbons. Maybe that’d be considered bragging. I’ve always been the guy who’d rather hear “don’t do drugs” from somebody who never did drugs than from someone who did them for years, got famous and then decided to warn me of their dangers.

Of course, the reality of the situation is that nothing can change what happened to those kids, and while I personally think it’s a little shifty, I can understand wanting to hold up a big sign that says “we swear we’re never doing this again”. That’s progress, in its own way. Who knows, maybe 10 years from now I’ll feel okay saying, “ha, look at those bright-ass white unis, they look like Brian from ‘Family Guy’”.

Get it

There’s nothing Taiwan loves more than an American high school sex scandal. Sure, they love giving Kevin Durant lightning powers or animating Tim Tebow on the cross, but they’re at their tactless best when turning a complexly-emotional story of abuse into a video about rimjobs.

Much in the same way their Bengals cheerleader scandal video had Sarah Jones get a big “INDICTED” stamped over her vagina, Next Media Animation shares the story of Shelbyville High School cheerleading coach Megan Crafton’s sexual relationship with a 17-year old student by animating a hard-on and having Megan walk across a table in a bikini with a big sign that says CONSENT. It gets torn up, but I won’t spoil the reasons why. There’s information to be had, people.

Check out the video below. It’s worth it for the shot of her draining three-pointers and getting chased away by a ghost.

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Two weeks ago, we undid our sarcasm belts, took off our satire pants and let our honest feelings hang out as we honored and celebrated the life of Pusuke, the World’s Oldest Dog up until December 13. But when Pusuke moved on to his afterlife of sniffing butt on a farm up north, his title went up for grabs. Little did we know that a living legend was going to take it.

At the tender age of 24.5, Pip the Acrobatic Dog is now the World’s Oldest Dog, and he’s already seen more than any of us will ever see in our pathetic human lives.

Pip, a 24-and-a-half-year-old terrier/whippet cross, remarkably still performs in the Essex Dog Display Team.

‘It is wonderful to know that Pip is the oldest dog in the world and it is great to have the accolade,’ said owner Tiffany Dyer, 36, of Brentwood, Essex.

(Via Metro UK)

Alas, Pip and Tiffany may be dog poop out of luck. In order for the Guinness Book of World Records to award Pip – who has performed in front of the Queen, mind you – the title of oldest dog, he needs a birth certificate. Tiffany doesn’t have that, which, as Donald Trump has taught us, makes Pip ineligible.

Only a Hannukah miracle can help us now.