Okay, maybe not, but this puppy running to a Firefly B-side is pretty awesome.

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Links

Check UPROXX Out On Flipboard - Hooray, we have an app! Now you’ll never be too far away from Kate Upton slideshows and the 50 Most Craprifficially Stinktacular Epic Fail Bombz In some medium’s history. [UPROXX]

The 15 Best TV Series on Netflix Instant - A great resource, even if people still think ‘Scrubs’ was good. Be sure to check out the new, Ufford-less Warming Glow, where I will be trying to get a roster spot every second or third day for the next year. [Warming Glow]

One In The Ink, Two In The Stink: The Most Regrettable Tattoos You’ll See This Week - |UPROXX|

Shame Review: Michael Fassbender Likes Sex. A Lot. That’s Pretty Much It. - The best part of Shame is the end, where Carey Mulligan yells SHAME! COME BACK! [Film Drunk]

NYT: “Women Won’t Like Game of Thrones” - It’s a crossover hit. It’s not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they’re telling human stories in a fantasy world. (fill out the forms please thanks) [Gamma Squad]

Join The #PassTheCrown Contest With The Smoking Section! - The contest to see who can be the HOTTEST MC IN THE GAME! Actually I haven’t clicked the link yet so I have no idea what this is about, but go do it, no matter what it is. [Smoking Section]

The 23 Most Provocative Questions Posed By Philosoraptor - Pretty funny, but yes, in Japan there are uncool kids who are really into American culture. What, you’ve never read Dave Barry Goes To Japan? [Buzzfeed]

10 Unbelievable Reactions to Movies - I feel like if you pass out during a movie you’ve got problems that have nothing to do with the movie. Oh no, I saw something gross, /shuts down brain. We aren’t hedgehogs, we don’t roll into a f**king ball. [Moviefone]

The 10 Biggest Oscar Snubs of the 2012 Academy Awards: A Pajiba Prediction - Shockingly accurate, especially about Winnie The Pooh. I would’ve spent the whole time bitching about Hugo not winning Best Picture and Sacha Baron Cohen not winning Best Supporting Actor. [Pajiba]

The Ultimate ’90s Nerd Battle - Urkel Bot would win, all Screech could do in a fight is tear somebody’s shirt. [Unreality]

Greenville News Drops Giant ‘F*ck’ In Newspaper Story About the SEC Championship Game This Weekend - It took me a minute to find it, but when I did, holy sh*t. Or holy f**k, I guess. [BroBible]

I’m not sure why I’m surprised that there’s a world record for this.

Links

The Best Of Workaholics GIFs - I always wonder if the pitch for this show was “it’s just like ‘Stella’, except about drugs and their own wieners”. [UPROXX]

Romeo and Juliet: The Porno - Nothing is accomplished here that wasn’t accomplished slightly better by Troma 15 years ago. Porno needs its own narrative, dammit, stop being derivative. Shane’s World wasn’t good because it loosely adapted Much Ado About Nothing. [Film Drunk]

Saved By The Bell Stills + Kanye Lyrics = Kanye’d By The Bell - Somebody add “Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom gripping you up f**kin and choking you” to a pic of the guy from Valley trying to full nelson Christy The Girl Wrestler. [UPROXX]

Hello, Heartache: The McRib Is Coming Back - You people are never gonna learn, are you. [Smoking Section]

The Batman’s Jeff Matsuda Stops By Reddit, Makes Batman Sketches By Request - In a “comic book people are awesome”-related story, I just found out that Brian Azzarello and Jill Thompson read Best and Worst Of Raw, so I’m gonna go out and buy like 50 comic books today. [Gamma Squad]

‘Breaking Bad’s’ Blue Meth Survived the Zombie Apocalypse - After finding out that ‘The X-Files’ and ‘The Wire’ happen in the same universe, anything is possible. Not to mention ‘Family Matters’ and ‘Step By Step’. [Warming Glow]

15 Unintentionally Offensive Halloween Costumes - Just to reiterate, it’s not offensive, but if you are planning to go as “dead or zombie version of recently dead celebrity”, don’t, it is not original or funny. [Buzzfeed]

Eddie Murphy on Hosting the Oscars: ‘I’m Going to be Horrendous’ - What, did you finally get around to watching your last 40 movies? [Moviefone]

Five Awful Cover Songs Made Even Worse By Tiny Lyric Changes - I’d sincerely forgotten that Hilary Duff’s cover of “My Generation” existed. Thanks, The Smoking Jacket. Thanks a lot. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 20 Highest Grossing Prequels of All Time and the Box-Office Performance of The Worst Movie Ever - You know you’ve done something right when your movie gets listed alongside The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. [Pajiba]

10 Awesome Examples of Today’s Video Games into Atari Format - I would play all of these except for maybe Pokémon, because it would make my eyes explode. Atari Zelda looks rad. [Unreality]

[Drunken unicycling via Buzzfeed]

Links

Fun Fun Fun Fest In Austin - I’m going to miss out on Public Enemy, Childish Gambino AND Anarchy Championship Wrestling because as a local I didn’t spend 200 dollars on tickets 8 months ago. Somebody at the fest wanna read this and toss me a couple of tickets? I’ll promote you on my … on my uh, sports blog. [FunFunFun Fest]

The 10 Best Ways For Artists To Build Their Brands At Music Festivals - I like using the word “brand” in situations like this, because it reminds me of that contact lens commercial. “MY BRAND!” [Smoking Section]

This Man Is Terrified of Puppies - I got into an argument with my girlfriend over whether this clip is funny or sad. She won, I guess, because I couldn’t come up with an point broader than “come on, really?” [Warming Glow]

Haley Joel Osment Looks… Healthy - At this point I feel like Emily Osment should just cut her hair super short and tell people she’s Haley Joel. She’ll get more street cred, and he’ll still look like a human being. [Film Drunk]

Parks & Meth: ‘Breaking Bad’ Hilariously Meets ‘Parks & Rec’ - I want to start a site for articles like this nobody would Tumble. Like, ‘Three’s Company Hilariously Meets St. Elsewhere’. Waste two hours making graphics and watch the four dissatisfied hits roll in. |UPROXX|

Hoverboards Are Real; Effing Sweet - We’re through the looking glass, people. [Gamma Squad]

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M MAKING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER! - More like R. Lee Navy, am I right [Film Drunk]

Mr. Belding Is Doing Pretty Well, Actually - I don’t care what you say, he was the best part of ‘Saved By The Bell’. That show would’ve just been ‘California Dreams’ without him. [Warming Glow]

10 Marvelous Money Faces - Linking this here because “Marvelous Money Face” was my favorite Dick Tracy villain. [Buzzfeed]

Finally, We Have The Question To Which There Is No Answer: What Is The Best Coldplay Song? - I don’t understand my own relationship with Coldplay. I don’t think they’re bad or musically untalented, but Jesus, there’s no band that gets me to change the radio station faster. [FARK]

Is ‘The Three Musketeers’ the Stupidest Movie Ever Made? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions) - …yet I’m sure everyone involved, including Paul W.S. stupid Anderson, will get to make whatever they want next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. [Moviefone]

Come Up with the Best Reverse 80′s Remake. Win a Pajiba T-Shirt - Remember, nobody made real movies in the 80s, it was always just Molly Ringwald with Depeche Mode playing in the background. [Pajiba]

You’d think a site that deals with celebrity hearsay as much as TMZ.com would see the sentence fragment “celebrating his 70th birthday at his good friend Zsa Zsa Gabor’s house” as a red flag, but here we are; “Let’s Do the Freddie” singer Chubby Checker was, well, celebrating his 70th birthday at Zsa Zsa Gabor’s house, and was caught on tape explaining how he’s the reason why Muhammad Ali is famous. This should come as no surprise to boxing historians, because after all, who could forget Chubby’s TKO of Jerry Quarry, or the time Ali told George Foreman to “twist again, like we did last summer”?

More, from the Worldwide Leader In Why Is This News:

According to Chubby, he instructed Clay to get as loud and cocky as possible whenever he could — both inside and outside the ring — and before long, Clay became known for his trademark hubris.

Talk about a butterfly effect. Chubby says Ali still hasn’t thanked him.

He went on to add:

So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where was I…

Talk about a butterfly effect. I love the idea that Cassius Clay was this little studious, quiet guy with no self confidence until he ran into Chubby Checker, and Chubby’s gyrating hips and “Jingle Bell Rock” covers gave him the edge he needed to ascend to greatness. Chubby, I like your “The Twist (Yo, Twist!)” collaboration with The Fat Boys as much as the next guy, but I’m guessing Ali probably could’ve made it through without you. Stick to claiming people you actually made famous, like Chubby Checker, or Richie “The Big Bopper” Belding.

Sports

Daunte Culpepper to Resurrect the 49ers? - It’s weird to grow up during a time when a team is winning championships and everyone loves them, then fast forward twenty years and see those same people cheering for whoever wins now. I knew about 50 49ers fans when I was in elementary school, and I don’t know a damn one now. [Smoking Section]

I’m Here To Help You Guys: The KSK Fantasy/Sex Mailbag - Seeing somebody with the handle “Footsteps Falco” makes me revisit how terrible an idea it was to call myself “Brandon” on this blog. I should’ve picked something crazy and/or from Super Smash Brothers. Also, my real name is Jeff. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

John Gotty’s Top 20 Sneakers of All Time - Sneakers count as sports. My list would just be “Vans shoes, but those aren’t really sneakers” and “the blue and black Shaq shoes that looked like crap and were made out of the same sh*t they use to make snow shovels”. Oh, and British Knights. [Smoking Section]

The Rock Tweets a Photo from the Set of GI Joe 2 - Also technically not sports, watch as a living action figure pretending to be an action figure shows everybody what he looks like as an action figure. The results? He kinda looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin. [Moviefone]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/15 - The new trend in Best and Worst of Raw feedback is to say “be careful you don’t do [random writing thing], or you’ll end up terrible like [other person who writes]“. One guy told me I was too much like Bill Simmons. Man, if I could get that rich and oblivious writing jokes about wrestling I’d do it in a heartbeat. [With Leather]

Jason Hatcher Gets Stuck In An Elevator - Nothing really happens, but the idea of a pro football player being so upset about an elevator malfunction that he repeatedly tweets about how he’s shaking his head is hilarious. This is a quick read, so flip through it. [With Leather]

JIM THOME POSSESSES 600 TATERS - I ALMOST WROTE PROSSESSED INSTEAD OF POSSESSED BUT DIDN’T THINK OUR READERSHIP WOULD BE THAT FAMILIAR WITH CASTLED VANIA. (yes, there is a Dugout about this on the way) [With Leather]

It Must Suck to Be Sergio Garcia - In addition to being as happy as Bill Simmons, my career goal as a blogger is to do something notable enough to have four orange, boney MILFs follow me around in public. It might put me through a second puberty. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Stacey Carosi Got Fired (And Bonus Kelly Kapowski GIF Collection) - My girlfriend loves “Saved By The Bell” so much that she owns the entire run of the show on DVD (including the College Years) but refuses to watch the beach episodes. She hates them, and rightfully argues that Saved By The Bell is stupid if they aren’t in school. So what I’m saying is Stacy can get f**ked. [Warming Glow]

Help Name Kevin Smith’s Fans! - There are some unbelievably fantastic choices in the comments for this, including “The People Who Always Look Like They’re Going To Comic Con” and “Ordinary Clown Posse”. My submission is “people I was friends with ten years ago”. [Film Drunk]

U.S. Presidents Have Never Been More Awesome Than in the Art of Jason Heuser - These are great, though I feel the world has been a little too influenced by that picture of Bea Arthur choking out a velociraptor. Now everything’s gotta be bad-ass and irreverent. Does anybody paint Abraham Lincoln these days if they AREN’T planning on making him fight monsters? [Gamma Squad]

10 Formerly Fat Actors Who Need to Go Back to Being Fat - Sara Rue should be on this list. I don’t care how confident you are about Jenny Craig, you were way cuter when you were chubby, and my copy of Gypsy 83 confirms it. [Pajiba]

I am making an effort to get my girlfriend more interested in this website by featuring things like running and “Saved By The Bell”. And also by putting her friends in the headers.

Sports

Nike Running’s Evolution Film: The LunarGlide+ 3 - Is this the one with the “Ecstasy of Gold” remix where LaDainian Tomlinson and Troy Polamalu are born and immediately start running at each other? Because that’s the best commercial of all time, and maybe one of the best films. [Smoking Section]

Peter King Has Very Objective Criteria For Determining The Best Ballparks In The Universe - This reads just as wonderfully and bizarrely as the title. I keep wanting to do a Peter King guest Dugout, but I swear I could never do it justice. The best ballparks in the universe are Camden Yards (for beauty) and Citizens Bank Park (for utilitarianism), end of story. [KSK]

Jimmy Rollins Meets Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka - Speaking of Citizens Bank, I really wanted to turn this picture into a Dugout, but I couldn’t get any farther than Rollins saying “oh man, remember that time you jumped off the cage onto what’s his face, don muraco” and Superfly going “yah bruddah”. I’m about to get okeydoked by these Big Jimmies. [The Wrestling Blog]

Arianny Celeste Kissing a Giant Banana Penis Statue - I couldn’t feature a big picture of this at the top of the links today, and I urge you to think twice before clicking the link. Imagine if Arianny Celeste was giving head to Yao Ming. That’s sorta what you’re getting into. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 7/25 - Be sure to catch up on pro wrestling during this one time per decade when it starts getting good. The comments sections of these posts are the coolest and most humbling thing ever, by the way, and I wish I had better ways to say thanks. But thanks. [With Leather]

Barack Obama Meets The Stupid Guy Who Needs Attention From The San Francisco Giants - Alternate title, “Brian Wilson Does More With His Suit Than Our President Has Done In Years”. Not sure I’m HARDBALL~ enough to make that title work, so we’ll stick to making fun of my least favorite baseball player. [With Leather]

Try With Leather Free Fantasy Baseball - It’s a free, fun thing you can do that takes two seconds and covers one night, and you can win $300 dollars and there are Kate Upton pictures. I can’t push this any harder, just go sign up for it, please. [With Leather]

Boston Bruins-Themed Wedding Reception - Behold, a wedding full of people who probably have the worst female accent of all time. [With Leather]

Not Sports

John Goodman Joins Community - They’re trying to fill season 3 with my favorite people from the history of television, first Omar, now Dan Conner. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and read “Margaret Farquhar from that square dancing episode of The Wonder Years joins Community”. [Warming Glow]

The Big Lebowski House and 6 Other “On The Market” Film & TV Homes You’re Too Poor to Buy - It’s a John Goodman sort of morning. The next link is “overweight preacher beats escaped convict with enormous tree branch, click to see the gallery”. [UPROXX]

Supercut: Cinema’s Greatest Mirror Pep Talks - I love these and wish I knew how to make them. I wouldn’t have good concepts, either, I’d just make a supercut of every time somebody said “Gump” in Forrest Gump. Then people would stop going to Film Drunk :( [Film Drunk|

13 Things You Didn't Know About Saved by the Bell - To be fair, I knew most of these. So it's like four things you didn't know about Saved By The Bell. Or, if you're a normal person, 13 Things You Didn't Know About Saved By The Bell. [Unreality]