I watched Goon last night, and I thoroughly enjoyed it in a “Yeah, this is bad but it’s still charming” kind of way, so I’m in the mood to carry over that joy for a real life goon like San Jose Sharks defenseman Douglas Murray (above, showing us the denim goods). In what can only be considered the most important hockey news of the year, Murray has been seen canoodling with Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren. And my sources tell me that she is attractive and wealthy.

According to every gossip site this side of the Scandinavian fjord, the two Swedes were spotted getting all up in each other’s fjaces at a night club recently, as they apparently met thanks to their mutual Swede friend Jesper Parnevik. It’s interesting that Nordegren would allow Parnevik to play matchmaker again after his last introduction, but that also netted her $150 million, so maybe he knows what he’s doing.

As for the rumors, Murray is going to headbutt them all away.

“We are only friends,” Murray told Expressen. “We are not dating and we have never dated. We have friends in common and we have only known each other for a couple of weeks.”

Couple or not, one thing is becoming clear: Nordegren has a thing for well-educated athletes. Woods of course attended Stanford, while Murray played hockey at Cornell. (Via the USA Today)

Does she like decently-educated bloggers? Because, if so, I am the guy with basic writing and photoshopping capabilities for her. As for Murray, I don’t much about him, other than he holds the franchise record for most hits in a game, but he does have a Tumblr dedicated to him, so let’s see what we can learn.

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Take a look at Brent Burns, NHL defenseman for the San Jose Sharks, pictured right. Does he look like the kind of guy who makes a lot of strong personal decisions? He got his first tattoo when he was 11, and this summer he got a huge tattoo on his back of his pets with the word “Wild” in green. You know, because he played for the Minnesota Wild. Which he no longer does.

Anyway, the latest masterpiece (by way of Twitter and our friends at Puck Daddy, and probably everybody else in the world with eyeballs and a sense of propriety) is Brent’s second giant, colorful dragon, only this one features the beast being battled by Harry Potter. If you click the image it’ll take you to the bigger, full version. Beware of body hair. That’s Harry in the upper left, in case you couldn’t make it out. Why Harry Potter, you ask?

A lot of questions for HP tattoo! Always loved books! There ya go #hogwartslooksfun I don’t know why itsupsidedwn

He posted it to his Twitter upside down, in case you need that part deciphered.

As someone who has a children’s book character tattooed on their person (I have Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web on my right arm) I can only make so much fun of him for this, so I’ll make fun of him for literally everything else ever, including being rich enough to do this and have it be news. But yeah, how many dragons does one body need? One more and he’s going to look like a kiosk at the mall.

Near the end of of game 2 between Sharks and Canucks in Vancouver, a blonde woman with pierced nipples and I guess not much else going for her decided to go boobs-to-box and flash San Jose’s Ben Eager during a penalty. Not only is this the kind of amazing happenstance that will be reported on every single website today (including Cute Overload, Post Secret and Is It Christmas), but flashing a guy named “Ben Eager” gives me the most indoor Nerf-hooped pun of all time. That’s like whipping out your junk in front of a lady named Fanny Johnson.

Check out the censored, relatively safe for work version of the video here, because your work hates nipples, but doesn’t mind the entire rest of the boob. The video is brought to you by The Score, and I bet you couldn’t tell after seeing THE SCORE written all over the place and plastered on the lady like they gave birth to her.

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As always, if it seems that I am less than enthusiastic about professional hockey, just keep in mind that I am a very jaded and abused St. Louis Blues fan, once spoiled with playoff appearances and hopes of a Stanley Cup, only to be shoved to the ground, spit on and ignored like a Phoenix Coyotes fan.

Tampa Bay Devil Lightning 3, Washington Capitals 2 (Series: 2-0 TB)

Vincent Lecavalier was more than just a reminder of the piece of crap Chevrolet that I drove in high school. Yesterday, he was more like Vincent Lehondaaccord as he scored two goals, including the game-winner in yet another overtime, to lead the Lightning to a very unexpected 2-0 series lead. The bigger stats of the game, though, are attributed to the Lightning’s defense, as the team has shut down Washington on all power plays in this series thus far. The Caps – can I call them that? – are 0-for-11 on power plays in this series. I think that’s bad.

Alex Ovechkin scored his first goal of the series at the end of the third period to send the game into overtime, but it wasn’t enough. While the 2-0 deficit looks bad, the Lightning have already shown us that anything is possible. But the Caps have something bigger on their side that I think guarantees them at least the next two victories…

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This is Lacey Wilson, who represented the state of Massachusetts in the Miss USA pageant. Even though Miss Mass shows considerable talent here, she was still a 75 to 1 underdog to win the title (she didn’t). These arbitrary beauty contests disguised as humanitarian efforts almost always come down to the (under)wire.

Wilson is a established model who has appeared in Teen Magazine and Cosmo Girl. “Lacey was also a proud and active member of Delta Gamma sorority at USC. While in college, Lacey had the privilege to work for such companies as

Blah blah blah, we get it. That was from the LA News Monitor via Slanch Report, by the way. But her family’s hope of bringing home first prize aren’t totally dashed, since her dad is actually Beach Boys frontman Brian former Vikings quarterback Wade San Jose Sharks coach Ron GM Doug Wilson. Yeah, we sorta buried the lede there; that’s really the only point we posted this. It’s cool. I think the state of Massachusetts has enough titles right now. Besides, how exactly would this guy below commemorate her title on his back? Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a screencap of a video featuring Dany Heatley of the San Jose Sharks–and some random girl–throwing out the first pitch at a recent San Francisco Giants game. Lo and behold, it’s Heatley that throws the ball like a girl while the actual girl manages to get it to the plate. Smooth move, Dany.

There’s so many things going on here that my head’s about to explode. First of all, why do they have two people throwing out the first pitch? Wouldn’t that make them the ceremonial first and second pitches? And take note that Heatley is standing in the GD grass and still can’t get it to the plate without a one-hop. Of course, I really need to temper expectations of a guy that killed his best friend in a car crash in 2003. That really wasn’t meant to be funny. Read the rest of this entry »