This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sports

Vegetarian Pig Slop and Heat Wave Rasslin: ACW’s Distrust, Dismay and Antisocial Behavior ’11 Review - I spent my Sunday night watching the best independent wrestling in Texas, and if you hop over to TH’s wrestling blog (“The Wrestling Blog”) you can read a bit about it. AND see my wonderful, cheesing mark photo with one of my favorite wrestlers in the world. [The Wrestling Blog]

First Look: NBA 2K12 “Greatest Trailer” - Hooooooly. I am going to buy this game the moment it comes out and pretend it is the greatest imaginable upgrade to Bulls Vs. Blazers. I am going to UTEP Two Step these guys SO HARD. I hope Tom Chambers is in here somewhere. [The Smoking Section]

Topps All Star Rookies Vs. Donruss Rated Rookies: Who Won Out? - One of my professional goals is to have the a scale replica of the Topps All Star Rookie trophy somewhere in my home. Also, to have a Pac-Man table machine. [SBN]

TUF 14 Cast Announced For Team Bisping Vs. Team Mayhem - I hope “Mayhem’s snitchy sister” is on Team Bisping. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Joe Namath Inspired Wet Cheerleader Gallery - Easily the best thing Joe Namath has done since advising Bart Simpson about vapor lock. I wish there was a way Ice Girls could get wet. Maybe raise the temperature in the arena when they’re dancing? [With Leather]

Pro Wrestler Drives Car into Tree, Gets Arrested, Loses Mind - Get excited for today’s Best and Worst of Raw with a story about what happens when you stop being in the WWE and have to start being a real person. Also, failing miserably at being a real person. Also, getting angel blood? What? [With Leather]

Jim Irsay Isn’t Funny And 9 Other Thoughts - Football is happening, and if you’re the type who likes football (that is almost all of you), get in here and share your thoughts with Burnsy. Real sports coverage needs as much play and as many comments as the fake. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - M’nerd Bill Hanstock has done a great job with this, which started off as one Dugout and turned into a multi-part event. Part three is coming today, so catch up on parts one and two. Part two has a great new screen name for Carlos Beltran. [Part 1] [Part 2]

Not Sports

The Best Quotes from Modern Family’s Gloria Pritchett - Sofia Vergara deserves your attention for something besides her amazing breasts. She deserves your attention for those, too, just for other things as well. For her amazing breasts. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Annoying Childhood Friend Will Probably Find You on Facebook, If He Hasn’t Already - “Always asks for food at your house/won’t let you eat any of his food at his house” is so amazingly on point. Being an only child meant every friend I had was this kid, and that’s why I’m such a terrible friend. [UPROXX]

Fallon Set to Host SNL - This is fine, but please, don’t do the Barry Gibb Talk Show. It was something you shouldn’t have done twice, and you’ve done it about forty times. Justin Timberlake saying “no I don’t” is not funny. DO NOT DO BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW. [AOL TV]

Geeky Dog Costumes Have Never Been Cuter - Part of me wants to say “stick to bumblebees and hot dogs, those costumes are cute enough already” but no, I would absolutely dress my dog like a Totoro. [Gamma Squad]

For every beginning there is an end.

That’s the tagline for Final Destination 2. In case part of their audience considered that philosophy, the second tagline is

More Speed. More Horror. More Death.

…and I’m guessing “these people are dying and Lol it is crazy” is right behind. Anyway, The Dugout returns (in 3-D! Not really) with part two of SFinal Destination, from guest writer Bill Hanstock. If you didn’t read part one, please be sure to do so before reading today’s strip because it picks up right where part one left off without any exposition. Kinda like Final Destination 2. The real humor in this is knowing that while the injuries have been exaggerated a bit, literally everything going on in these comics happened in real life. Even Brian Wilson’s face.

Please click through and enjoy the comic. The thrilling conclusion happens tomorrow.

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Sports

11 Questions With Bob Sapp - I don’t think I could limit my questions for Bob Sapp to 11. One of them would have to be “do you think it was scientifically probable that the Great Muta’s poisoned mist impregnated Yinling the Erotic Terrorist, and if so, do you think there’s a logical reason why it would’ve impregnated her with a monster?” [Cage Potato]

Georgetown Hoyas Basketball Brawl In China - Watch a bunch of Chinese Thugs pick a fight with the Georgetown Hoyas. Or, for a more accurate analysis, “watch young people without perspective on the world fight each other for no real reason all around the world”. [Smoking Section]

UFC On Fox - I would pay good money for a The Ultimate Fighter/Glee crossover, but I know it would end with them pantomiming “Love Is A Battlefield” with a big spinning octagon in the background. Glee is maybe the worst thing ever. Maybe. [Cagewriter]

Athletic Supporter: Little League Dad - Punte said it best: “Grand total of f**ks given here about the Little League World Series: 0.00″. [Tauntr]

With Leather

Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Mark Sanchez - Rex Ryan says Mark Sanchez is an elite NFL quarterback. In a related story, Clint Hurdle says Andy Marte is still one of the best prospects in baseball. And he thinks his GQ spread was hot as sh**, no homo. [With Leather]

The World’s Fattest Lady Wants To Be Fatter - Of course she does. Click here to find out what happens when Kaneda can’t stop her transformation in time. [With Leather]

Headlocks Are False Imprisonment - If putting your sister in a headlock can land you in jail, I’m happy the cops never found out about that time I put my friend’s girlfriend in the Liontamer on a diving board. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Part 2 will be arriving shortly, so treat this like a REAL Final Destination movie: you have to see the first one or none of it will make sense. Just kidding, a blind kitten could explain the plot of Final Destination 4 in about twenty seconds. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Best Wishes, Tara Reid: Celebrating Hollywood’s All-Time Shortest Marriages - Losing Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Connelly to waifish adulthood was sad, losing busty teen redhead Lindsay Lohan to drugs was worse, but losing Josie and The Pussycats-era Tara Reid to whatever happened to Tara Reid is the worst. She was SO CUTE, ARGH. [UPROXX]

Armond White’s 30 Minutes or Less Review Is a Masterpiece - Every lame nerd you’ve argued with on the internet should aspire to be Armond White. New professional goal: use the term “bourgeois” in a baseball recap. [Film Drunk]

TV Chefs Be Fightin’ - Hopefully this leads to Giada de Laurentiis killing Bobby Flay with a javelin, or any kind of large spear. I’m weird, I just want to see Giada in her own Conan The Barbarian thing. [Warming Glow]

What’s the most unfortunately-named band you could possibly think of to play a 9/11 concert? - I was gonna go with …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, but this is pretty good too. [FARK]

The San Francisco Giants are getting disabled!

“Baseball players getting injured” is a stalwart topic of conversation in the Official Chatroom Of Major League Baseball™ and the defending World Series champions are rewriting the book. To get an insider’s perspective on the series of unfortunate events befalling the Giants I went to Giants fan and California resident Bill Hanstock, the man who helped me out with The Dugout by Charles Bukowski. Bill’s inside information was “oh my god” and “what is happening”, so I asked him to fill in on today’s strip. Dugout Celebrity Guest Writer week continues (roughly bi-monthly for the rest of my life)!

After the jump, check out part one of SFinal Destination. Part 2 will be arriving shortly, and you’d think that’d be the end, but nope, five more sequels.

Read the rest of this entry »

smdh

Sports

Santiago Casilla And The Worst Plate Appearance In Baseball History - A guy with no interest in batting gets on base because a pitcher can’t throw three uncontested strikes. He’s standing like two feet from the plate, I’m thinking Billy f**king Marlin could’ve wandered out and made those throws. [SBN]

Ndamukong Suh Is Still Trying To Decapitate Quarterbacks - I wish my name was 1/50th as cool as Ndamukong Suh’s. My name is “Brandon” because I was born in the 80s. Ten years later 90210 showed up and every kid got the name. I’m going to name my nerdy white child “Ndamukong” to turn the tides. [Smoking Section]

Rex Ryan Photobombs Mark Sanchez’s GQ Photo Shoot - It does look like some pretty good bathin’. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hot Potato Gallery: Iryna Ivanova, MMA Ring Girl And Playboy Playmate - At some point we’re going to have to draw the line in regards to whom we masturbate. Seriously, if you took away this girl’s boobs she’d be the Harry Potter cosplay girl down at Jamba Juice. She’s the type who’d show up on Ricki Lake as the LOOK AT ME NOW lady. But yes, her boobs are giant. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Summerslam 2011 - Enjoy the general positivity of this column, because I came pretty close to doing The Worst And Worst for Raw. I can’t even figure out a way to drag a Best out of Kelly Kelly at this point. [With Leather]

Alex Smith Is Awful - and nine other random thoughts from the NFL this weekend. In a better world, Burnsy’s football stuff would get 150 comments and my dumb wrestling things would be begging for feedback. I mean, moreso than they already are. [With Leather]

Kimbo Slice Hilariously Murders White Nobody - Update: Kimbo also beat Von Kaiser, but he’s having trouble on Piston Honda because he’s seven and can’t get the hang of the “block” mechanics. I would put up a better fight than this guy and I haven’t thrown a real punch since I was 16. [With Leather]

Delonte West Is A Rapper Now - Of course he is. Is he still riding around on a three-wheeled motorcycle? That would be even cooler. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Huzzah! Kate Plus 8 Finally Canceled - Now Kate can lower to her rightful role of being about as famous as Flo from Progressive. I still wish they’d done a show called “Jon Plus Non” about Jon Gosselin wandering around smoking, having to care for no-one. [Warming Glow]

On the Catwalk: The Best of the Algonquin Hotel’s Cat Fashion Show - I tried hard to justify this as sports, but came up short. I can give the thumbs up to a sex doll contest and air guitar, but not cat fashion shows. I’m doing the internet wrong. [UPROXX]

Ken Jeong and Donald Glover Talk Community Season 3 - Brandon talks wanting to watch Community Season 3 right now. It’s been off long enough for me to start thinking it’s not as good as it actually is. Come back quickly before I start having stupid opinions! [Ask Men]

The Worst People On Facebook (And Possibly The Planet) - Hoooooly sh*t. It starts off bad and gets so, so much worse. I thought I knew some messed up people. Way to ruin “boom, roasted” for everyone, jerks. [College Humor]