“I now have this many strands of herpes”

Few people in all of baseball — hell, in all the world – have been paid so much to do so little as Giants pitcher Barry Zito, but this is way more astounding and unforgivable than the $14.5M he made last year to lead the NL in losses: he’s rumored to be dating… **burps up some vomit** … Paris Hilton.  People says:

Paris Hilton was all over San Francisco Giants’ baseball star Barry Zito at the grand opening of MyHouse, a new Hollywood nightspot. Whether it was drinking, hugging, whispering, laughing or holding hands, the two were focused only on each other – and Hilton looked really happy, a clubgoer tells us. The heiress flitted from table to table, chatting with fellow revelers like Tyson Beckford and Kim Kardashian, though she never left Zito’s side for too long.

As much as the name “Paris Hilton” sickens me to even type, I suppose this makes sense.  She’s gotta make Zito feel better about himself.  Him: “I dunno, the way I pitched last year, I’m not sure I earned my millions of dollars.”  Her: “What’s ‘earn’?”

MLB – In his first return to the city where he played 11 years, Omar Vizquel's ninth-inning heroics — a suicide squeeze in the top of the inning, followed by a lead-saving backhanded stab in the bottom — gave the Giants a 3-2 win over the Indians, their first win in Cleveland since the 1954 World Series.  Wait a second.  Omar Vizquel is still alive? … Jason Varitek broke our of a 1-for-30 slump with the go-ahead single in a 4-run eighth, propelling the Red Sox to a 5-4 victory over the D-Backs and preserving the Sox' place at the top of the AL East, one game ahead of — Tampa Bay?  Am I reading this right? … Jerry Manuel's explosion (and expulsion) wasn't enough to keep the Mets from letting the crappy guys on Seattle play well, as the M's routed New York 11-0.  No Seattle aces were injured in the contest.

Wimbledon — Nobody of note lost in the early round of women's play; the biggest news was Maria Sharapova's shorts (more on that later).  On the men's side, 4th-seeded Nikolay Davydenko was upset in straight sets, but let's be honest here: I don't care, and neither do you.

College World Series — Fresno State's unlikely run continued, as the under-Bulldogs beat Georgia 19-10 to force a deciding Game 3 tonight.  Be sure to tune in to hear the soothing sounds of baseball on a hazy summer evening.  Ping!

San Francisco Giants rookie Brian Horwitz is only the 159th Jewish ballplayer in the hundred-some-odd-year history of Major League Baseball, so apparently it's still enough of a novelty for one to be playing that he gets the nickname "Rabbi." Horwitz, the first Jew-iant since 1996, doesn't really mind the nickname or the Star of David teammates make him wear around the clubhouse, nor in turn do his teammates mind him trying to run the basepaths with tefillin on his head.

Though he embraces mail he receives from Jewish fans and laughs about his nickname, the Giants' reserve outfielder wants to distinguish himself by more than his religion.

"Being Jewish is what makes me unique on this team," he said. "I understand it's rare, but I'm a baseball player who just happens to be Jewish. Hopefully, I'll eventually do something on the field that sets me apart."

And that something is having the best relationship with your agent among all the players on the team. He's mishpochah!

The article goes on to note "Horwitz's confidence comes from a history of perseverance." Those 40 years in the minors, oy vey!

There are any number of recent examples of mindless bits of violence between fanbases, but San Francisco Giants fans have enough animosity to take on their own. And take them out, for good, in one punch, as SportsbyBrooks recaps.

Giraudo and his friends were leaving a game between the Giants and the Philadelphia Phillies about 9:45 p.m. Friday when Giraudo got into an argument with a group of Carlmont High students beyond the gates in center field, according to police and Giraudo's relatives and friends.

Acquaintances said Giraudo, a first-year student and baseball pitcher at Cañada College in Redwood City, had been sticking up for a female friend who was being harassed by one of Buckley's friends. Buckley punched Giraudo once, knocking him to the ground, police said.

Who hit this guy? Brad Pitt's character from Snatch? Actually, the guy hit his head on the concrete and died later at the hospital. This is why if you have to scrap next to AT&T Park, stick near the water. A well-executed uppercut sends a person falling headlong into the Bay and not concrete. Also, the splash would also be pretty big. And what's better than a fight that ends with a big splash? Oh, right, one that ends with a death. 

With the NHL and NBA in the thick of their playoffs and several thousand more baseball games to play during the long, slow summer, MLB doesn't get much attention around here unless a player gets beaten with a helmet or a bat.  But Giants pitcher Barry Zito is that rare player who can suck so spectacularly with such a staggeringly rich contract that he can actually steal headlines from more exciting sports — simply by being awful.

Zito, whose 30th birthday is today, is 0-7 with a 6.58 ERA, and it's gotten to the point that he's heralded for notching no-decisions, as he did with six innings of seven-hit, three-run ball last night (the Giants still lost).

For Barry Zito, a no-decision became a positive thing—a sign of progress… Zito pitched scoreless ball into the fourth inning for the first time all season, and his signature curveball was effective once again in matching his longest outing of the year at six innings. He received a standing ovation— perhaps slightly sarcastic—after a 1-2-3 first inning in which he needed only 11 pitches.

Last year, I hated the Mariners for trotting out washed-up bag of shit Jeff Weaver to the mound every fifth day.  The one good thing was that Weaver made $8 million off of a one-year contract.  Zito's getting paid $126 million over seven years.  Only five and a half more years to go, San Francisco.  Savor this while it lasts.

[Rumors and Rants] 

Update — video should work now. 

I swear, baseball has to be the only sport so dull that even the announcers are more interested in what's going on outside the stadium.

[Awful Announcing]