The World Series Champion San Francisco Giants are one of the hottest teams in all of baseball today, as they defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 4-3 yesterday to complete a three-game sweep of their rivals and reclaim a one-game lead over the Colorado Rockies in the National League West. But while people across America were donning sombreros, serapes and fake mustaches as they chugged overpriced Coronas and licked Sauza out of the navels of sweaty coeds, all in the name of a holiday that nobody really understands, the Giants and ESPN were reclaiming May 5 for America.

A gentleman named London Van Der Kamp took to a kayak in San Francisco’s famed McCovey Cove and he rowed from person to person, awarding free hot dogs to the fans in water. Judging by the photos, Van Der Kamp gave away a total of two hot dogs, maybe four if he was being generous, but it’s still the thought that counts.

It’s certainly better than the most recent giveaway at Marlins Park, which offered fans the chance to pay the stadium’s utility bills.

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If you missed out on this week’s big baseball news, San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Jean Machi farted in the Giants bullpen. This is seriously the only important thing that happened in baseball this week. What are we supposed to write about, Derek Jeter being injured? Alex Rodriguez being cleared to walk on a treadmill?

Actually, that is kinda funny. So hey, while I think of some gay stereotype things to type in capital letters about centaurs, please enjoy today’s edition of The Dugout, which is about Jean Machi’s awful, stank butthole.

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I don’t watch much reality TV, let alone any of the CBS blockbuster Survivor, but I’d been keeping my ear to the TV in the other room this season as my girlfriend watched, because as a rule, anything that involves Jeff Kent is usually outstanding. That’s not to say that I like the former San Francisco Giants second baseman. But he has built one of the greatest a-hole reputations, whether he deserved it or not.

Kent has been pretty irrelevant since retiring, and I simply assumed that he’d never be allowed anywhere near a broadcast booth, so I was a little surprised that CBS was willing to give him a spot on Survivor. However, it tickles my funny bone ever so that most or all of his opponents/castmates had no clue who he was, because if they had known, he would have been booted the first week.

Instead, Kent made it to the midseason point, and after he was voted off last night, he laid down one of the greatest sound bites of the year.

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In recent years, lucky animals have played a huge part in Major League Baseball teams’ World Series runs, from the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim Los Angeles Angels’ Rally Monkey to the St. Louis Cardinals’ classier and more intelligent Rally Squirrel. This year, the World Champion San Francisco Giants had a much less heralded but equally important furry good luck charm in a rare orange langur monkey that was born at the San Francisco Zoo during the Giants’ playoff run.

Dubbed the “Lucky Langur” after its birth and the team’s subsequent wins, the zoo’s monkey people (you’d think they’d have an official title) decided that it was finally time to name this adorable little living pumpkin.

It’s official: That adorable newborn monkey whose birth coincided with the Giants World Series winning streak has been named, and we think you will be pleased.

San Francisco, meet Romo. (Via San Francisco Weekly)

I’m told that right after they chose Romo, the monkey threw its poop and it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. OHHHHH, they meant Sergio Romo, the beloved Giants closer, whose strange beard and quirky behavior filled in perfectly for the injured Brian Wilson, whose strange beard and quirky behavior had its own strong presence in the Giants’ dugout.

Alas, there’s one little problem with this monkey’s new name – this Romo is a girl. Again, the Tony Romo jokes write themselves.

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The story of a lead actor living in a world of bit players, from the YouTube description:

I shot some rioting go down on Muni on McAllister and Larkin (San Francisco, Ca) after the San Francisco Giants won the 2012 MLB World Series. I started filming toward the end, about ten minutes before the cops showed up. There were a few buses stalled there because the streets were overflowing with people. When rioting began on Muni, this particular gentleman on the back of the bus was having none of it. He sat there stonefaced amidst all the chaos, presumably texting to his friends about his miserable experience commuting on Muni yet again. Everyone outside noticed his lack of celebratory and destructive spirit, so they started taking pictures and video of him until the lights went out.

This guy.

Maybe I’m not the type to turn into the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey and start smashing boar skulls with a bone because my favorite sports team won a game, but I’m on The Dude Who Wouldn’t Riot’s side. He’s the one guy on screen with a head on his shoulders. I am pretty interested to know what he’s doing with his time (I don’t buy the “texting his friends about his miserable experience” line), so I consulted the comments section and compiled my ten favorite theories. Those are below.

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Yesterday, we shared an appearance from Los Angeles Clippers alley-oopist Blake Griffin on Conan, wherein he made a bunch of weird faces and created Conan O’Brien to be his teammate in NBA 2K13. In a better world I’d be sharing Conan clips every day, and Metta World Peace would accept his fate and become the Masturbating Bear.

Anyway, today’s Conan clips feature World Series champion and insectoid athlete overlord Hunter Pence discussing what happens when your bat shatters and hits a ball three times and/or the value of using a Katy Perry song as your walk-up music. He also reveals that when he doesn’t know what’s happening and people tell him to run, he does so by flapping his arms around and yelling “woooo”. HE IS ALSO A BUNCH OF INSECTS IN A MAN SUIT.

Both clips are after the jump.

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