Since winning the 2011 World Series, the St. Louis Cardinals have had a special motto during their road trips – #HappyFlight. Because most of the guys on the roster came up with each other in the minors, they have one of those brotherly bond things happening that I’m sure is only slightly less annoying to non-Cardinals fans than hearing about how their fans, of which I am one, are the classiest and most intelligent in baseball. *tilts top hat, spits tobacco juice*

But as for those happy flights, the Cardinals just try to have fun and keep everyone happy, which is why they showed up to AT&T Park yesterday wearing the goofiest outfits they could find. Led by David Freese, who wore some sort of Dr. Seuss-mescaline-inspired red tuxedo, and Lance Berkman in a bright pink ruffled tux, the reigning world champs shot a torpedo of hilarity into the bond between fashion and sports. And then they hit the field and committed 3 errors to hand the game to the San Francisco Giants.

Perhaps before they play the Los Angeles Dodgers today, they can wear cargo nets between their legs.

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As regular readers of the site know, I have a deep, undying love for two things most people consider creepy or for babies — mascots and pro wrestling. To date, I am the only person in the world to have pictures with both Southpaw of the Lynchburg Hillcats and GHC Heavyweight Champion Takeshi Morishima.

So you might be able to figure out on your own that a video of a bunch of mascots having a battle royal outside of AT&T Park is extremely relevant to my interests and, at least to me, probably the funniest sh*t ever. It starts with Mr. Wrestling #4 being tasked to train “all of [my] favorite bay area mascots”, devotes a little time to beating up a fake Phillie Phanatic and makes me laugh against all better judgement at giant inflatable seal entering the ring to Puffy Daddy’s ‘Come With Me’. Watching Seal Zilla and the Crazy Crab try to navigate ring ropes is my new favorite thing.

The star of the match is primary Giants mascot Lou Seal, who pins the Phillie Faux-natic with a Superfly Splash from the top rope, unceremoniously dumps Lil’ Seal under the bottom rope and gorilla presses the Crazy Crab to the outside. He’s legitimately better at this than a lot of people making a living wrestling on television.

The only way this could’ve been better is if Dragon Dragon had shown up. Thank you for making my Thursday better, San Francisco Giants.

[h/t Peter Holby]

EIGHT F*CKING YEARS. That’s how long federal prosecutors spent trying to throw Barry Bonds in the slammer for 12 counts of perjury and obstruction of justice and whatever else they had a boner over. So when the verdict came down last week, what did the millions of dollars of taxpayer money get us? Guilty on four counts to the tune of a $4,000 fine, home confinement for 30 days and two years of probation. Oh, and he has to do 250 hours of community service.

Let justice be done though thy heaven’s fall.

A lawyer for Bonds, Allen Ruby, asked by reporters which side he thought had come out ahead in the sentencing, said: “It depends on whether justice was done. If justice was done, then everyone’s a winner. As to what we think, we’re not talking.”

The prosecutors in the case declined comment immediately afterward. But in court, assistant United States attorney Matthew A. Parrella took issue with Illston once it became clear from her presentence comments that there would be no jail term.

In response to her comment that Bonds’s obstruction of justice was a departure from an “otherwise law-abiding lifestyle,” Parrella said Bonds was “well versed in misleading people” and cited the illegal use of drugs and “mistresses through two marriages.”

“He wasn’t convicted for any of those,” Illston responded.

(Via the New York Times)

Ah, the old “He cheated on his wife so he must be a criminal” strategy. Pure brilliance. I’d love to expound on my outrage that tens and maybe hundreds of millions of dollars were spent by the government on trying to prove that Bonds used steroids when any person with a working set of eyes could figure that out, but I’ve already been distracted by the most compelling argument.

After the jump, meet the Barry Bonds fan who puts our whole legal system to shame.

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The Philadelphia Phillies were just ousted from the National League playoffs by the St. Louis Cardinals, so now’s the perfect time for Phillies players to announce their demands for contracts nobody with a functioning frontal lobe of brain should give them. First on the list is Jimmy Rollins, the former NL MVP shortstop who, according to Philly.com Sports, wants to stay in town for the next five years. Keep in mind that he’s already been a Phillie, more or less, since 1996, a year that didn’t happen in the last decade, but in the decade before that.

Rollins, a Phillie for the last 15 years of his life, has set the bar high for his impending free agency. The soon-to-be 33-year-old shortstop wants a five-year contract.

“I’m looking to get five years,” Rollins said. “If it’s going to be shorter, there would have to be a fifth-year option or something like that. My option.”

Sure, being 33 doesn’t make him Julio Franco or anything, but a lot of shortstops don’t make it that deep into their thirties. Ruben Amaro Jr. seems open to the idea, or at least his diplomatic statement seems to lean him that way.

“There’s no question we want Jimmy back and be in our uniform and play shortstop for us for the next several years. Whether that happens kind of depends on if we get to the finish line on it. But Jimmy knows where we stand. Those things will be private.”

For some reason I can’t shake the image of a 36-year old Jimmy Rollins in San Francisco, slowly scooping up grounders and making way too much money to do it.

Taco Bell has decided to follow up last year’s 2010 MLB postseason Mariano Rivera “closer” spots with San Francisco Giants reliever and self-proclaimed funniest man to ever live Brian Wilson. The results are about what you’d expect. Personal opinion of Wilson’s humor aside, you’d think they’d want someone who was actually in the playoffs for these commercials, wouldn’t you? How awesome would it be for a guy to be all “whew, can’t finish this XXL Chalupa” and Kyle Farnsworth comes running it, knocks it out of his hands and beats the sh*t out of him?

Today’s Dugout features the extended version of the commercial unsuitable for television broadcast because it contains harsh language, incorrect references to classic literature and an ingredient list for what’s actually in an XXL Chalupa. Reader discretion is advised.

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Always relevant.

Since we last spoke of America’s pastime – I believe it was all the way back on Monday – not much has changed in the playoff picture. While the New York Mets have proven that anything is possible, the divisional races are basically all settled, but the Wild Card races in both divisions are as warm as the side of the pillow that you just flipped over. I was never meant to be on SportsCenter.

The Boston Red Sox currently lead the Tampa Bay Rays and Los Angeles Angels by 2 and 3.5 games, respectively, while the Atlanta Braves have a 2.5 game lead on the St. Louis Cardinals and a 4.5 lead on the San Francisco Giants. After tonight’s game against the Florida Marlins, the Braves have a series against the Washington Nationals, before they close out the regular season with three games against the Philadelphia Phillies, who would undoubtedly love to knock the Braves out of the playoffs.

Making things even more difficult for Atlanta, the Cardinals play the Astros and Cubs (the Giants have it tough as well with the Rockies and Diamondbacks) so the NL race will be butthole tight the rest of the way. And if that doesn’t sound like a daunting enough task for the Braves, Major League Baseball is throwing superstition into play by launching the Braves’ “Legends are Born in October” commercial tonight. Ouch.

A whole season doomed by Lady Luck after the jump.

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