Jay Cutler threw five interceptions in the NFL’s first Thursday night game of the year, leading his Chicago Bears to a rousing defeat in San Francisco while hammering yet another nail in Bears coach Lovie Smith’s coffin. Two of Cutler’s interceptions came in the San Francisco red zone in a 10-6 snoozefest that was so bad, it should have been broadcast on Versus.

“I wouldn’t say he was trying to force the issue,” 49ers safety Mark Roman(notes) said of Cutler. “He was trying to make plays at a time when they needed a play to be made. We knew the ball was going to be in the air and we knew if we would be sound in our coverages we’d have opportunities.” –Y! Sports.

Niners running back Frank Gore had the game’s only TD–a 14-yard rush that helped give San Fran their first win in five games. Meanwhile, The Matt Forte Suckfest took an odd turn as the second-year running back ran for an uninspiring 41 yards on 20 carries, but then he had 120 yards receiving on the night. And then he probably went home and drank some juice or something, because those games can get pretty tiring.

Here’s Dre’ Bly playing for the San Francisco 49ers jumping a route against Atlanta but dude decided to showboat before successfully eluding capture. Watch Dre’ Bly cup his hand to his ear, a la NFL great and de facto NCAA agent Deion Sanders. Do you hear that, Dre’? That’s the sound of failure. Next time, try to get to your own end zone first.

Don’t think for a second that Braylon Edwards was going to steal all the headlines today when it comes to the actions of borderline-retarded NFL wide receivers. Praise be to Jeebus, Michael Crabtree has ended his holdout, signing a six-year deal with the San Francisco 49ers.

The sides have been at odds over contract terms for months. Crabtree, the phenom from Texas Tech, had previously stated that he felt he deserved more money than the 49ers were willing to offer him as the No. 10 pick in the 2009 NFL Draft and was willing to sit out the entire season and re-enter the draft next year if he had to.

But the 49ers - and perhaps even Crabtree’s inner circle - were not aware that the star power alone of one man could bring these two warring factions back to the table to “hammer” out a deal, so to speak.

That man, you ask? MC Hammer.

That meeting finally happened Tuesday at an undisclosed spot in the Bay Area away from the team’s Santa Clara headquarters. Crabtree and Parker were joined by York, vice president of football operations Paraag Marathe and general manager Scot McCloughan. Hammer, a friend of Parker and Parker client Deion Sanders, was a participant to some degree at the hotel where negotiations took place. via.

For accuracy’s sake, it’s just Hammer now, not MC Hammer. He is not allowed to use the “MC” anymore now that he isn’t in the MC business any longer. Evidently, the MC’s Alliance is as dedicated at keeping tabs on its members and as ruthless in controlling them as The Alliance of Magicians.

The old Gunslinger still has it. Down 24-20 with 87 seconds remaining, Brett Favre led the Vikings offense on an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating with a 32-yard yard touchdown pass to Greg Lewis with two seconds left on the clock, as Minnesota pulled one out of their ass and beat the San Francisco 49ers 27-24.

In the end, I feel bad for the 49ers. They played their hearts out and all they have to look forward to is an eyeful of Mike Singletary dong.

Oh yeah, and the Detroit Lions snapped their epic fail 19-game losing streak, beating the Washington Redskins 19-14. Panic in the streets of D.C. Jim Zorn, I believe the bell tolls for thee.

Here’s San Francisco running a reverse–and it’s not an end-around that so many announcers like to call a “reverse,” either because they’re idiots or they just think yelling out “REVERSE!” is fun. Morons. Anyway, Raiders defender Greg Ellis didn’t realize that Alex Smith was still fighting for his job (in vain, sadly) in San Fran, and he pays the price for it. Although I wish Alex would have done a little dance over the conquered. I always love it when that happens. Nice pull on Trent Green, Samer.

San Francisco 49ers first-round draft prick, uh, pick Michael Crabtree has officially gone off the deep end. So sayeth his agent, Eugene Parker, who is backpedalling away from the former Texas Tech wide receiver so fast, you’d think he was the middle linebacker playing a Cover 2:

It’s widely believed that Crabtree wants to secure more money [as the 10th overall pick in the draft] than receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey finagled from the Raiders as the seventh overall pick. Emphasis added:

Meanwhile, we’re hearing that Parker is dealing with the Crabtree conundrum on the recruiting trail by blaming the holdout on the player. Parker, we’re told, is pointing to the deal he negotiated for defensive end Tyson Jackson at the third overall slot as proof that Parker is willing and able to negotiate a fair deal for a first-round pick. Cell phones, yo!, via.

The Niners appear steadfast, insisting that Crabtree not earn more than the No. 9 pick, Packers D-lineman B.J. Raji. Crabtree seems content to fight stubborn with stubborn, even insisting that he’ll go back into the draft in 2010 if he doesn’t get Heyward-Bey money. I’m typically opposed to the “slotting system” when it comes to rookie salary, but this is nuts. Again, who’s going to wait a year to take the cranky guy that wouldn’t sign for lottery-pick money? Who would even represent Crabtree in such an endeavor? Al Davis looked like he screwed himself over reaching up to get DHB with that seventh pick. Now it’s his neighbors by the bay that seem to be a bit sore.