The Padres opened a four-game series against Arizona with a 3-1 victory last night, narrowing the Diamondbacks' lead in the NL West to two games.  Geoff Blum and board game czar Milton Bradley homered for San Diego, and Jake Peavy once again dominated, striking out 11 over seven innings to earn his career-best 15th win. 

During one stretch from the second to the fourth inning, Peavy struck out seven straight batters, which you ordinarily don't see unless Adam Dunn is allowed to bat out of turn.  Also, in a heartwarming twist, Peavy's first-inning K of Orlando Hudson made him the Padres' all-time strikeout leader.  It was #1037 for his career, which moved past the legendary, uh, Andy Benes.  Alert the Hall of Fame!

Other MLB scores: John Lackey, deathly ill, pitches complete game shutout against M's in opener of AL West showdown…  Mike Mussina battered again as Tigers roll Yanks 16-0.  Verlander goes seven strong, allows just three hits… Giants win fifth straight by beating Rockies, now only 12 games under .500.

The Padres scratched David Wells from his scheduled start Monday night because the old, fat pitcher has gout. Yeah, gout. When I read this I was all, "Who the fuck gets gout?" so I went to good ol' Wikipedia, which hit me some new ka-nowledge like this: 

Many still believe that gout is caused by a combination of dietary factors and "laziness". In particular, many believe that gout develops following several years of excessive alcohol consumption…

 and 

Gout was traditionally viewed as a disease of the decadent and indolent, because the foods which contribute to its development were only available in quantity to the wealthy. The stereotypical victim was a lazy, obese middle-aged man who habitually overindulged in rich foods and alcohol, with port consumption often cited as a specific cause. This stereotype is especially evident when Gout is referred to as "The Disease of Kings".

Port consumption? Has he eaten the port of San Diego? I wouldn't be surprised. You see, it's funny because David Wells is a lazy fat drunk. And kind of a dick.

By pitching a perfect ninth inning yesterday against the Pirates, Trevor Hoffman became baseball's all-time saves leader, with 479. Is it just me, or is the media not really making a big deal about this? ESPN has an immediate update any time Barry Bonds takeS a practice swing, yet Trevor's hardly made a tremor.

I have an expert 2-pronged theory about this. A Smootian double-pronger, if you will. First, the guy who had the most saves, Lee Smith, isn't even in the Hall of Fame, so the save isn't exactly the most highly esteemed of statistics. Second, have you been to San Diego? That place is just beaches and a really nice park and perfect weather every single day. They don't care about somebody throwing a baseball. It's like Los Angeles, only the people aren't as self-absorbed, the traffic isn't as bad, the hot chicks have more tattoos, and the unemployed people at the beach don't try to tell you they're "actors."