Texas A&M quarterback and eventual Buffalo Bill Johnny Manziel found a winning formula with trainer George Whitfield last year, as the 20-year old became the first freshman to ever win the Heisman Trophy. Between his own success and that of his new best bro AJ McCarron, who led Alabama to another BCS Championship, there’s not a pair of camouflage cargo shorts in the country that isn’t filled with wonder as to whether Manziel can lead the Aggies all the way this year.

Well, courtside seats and night club VIP sections be damned, because Manziel and Whitfield are hard at work on an encore, as they’ve been battling the waves in Southern California this week as part of his intense workouts. Of course, it can’t be all work and no play, because that makes Johnny Football a dull boy. So the young slinger stopped by yesterday’s Padres-Nationals game at Petco Park, where he was able to meet fellow A&M alum and Nats manager Davey Johnson before taking in some batting practice.

Manziel homered, naturally, because he’s a f*cking winner, bro.

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I’m not the kind of guy who likes to toot his own horn, because rib removal surgery isn’t something that is covered under my health insurance, but back in the day I was quite the mediocre little league baseball player. In fact, I received more than a few participation trophies, and they didn’t just give those babies out to anyone whose parents ponied up $70 for the uniform and league fees.

Anyway, there was one year that we had this a-hole coach – the kind of guy who’d start his son at every position before he’d give anyone else a chance (and I think his son was 5 years older than all of us) – and he’d always tell kids to lean into the pitch and take a bean ball on purpose if we had runners on. The joke was on him, because we were dorky little sissies, so we’d often scream and then run away, but it seems that his message may have gotten through to Chicago Cubs center fielder Julio Borbon, who reminded us yesterday that there’s flopping in baseball.

San Diego Padres reliever Luke Gregerson put a pitch in the dirt and while it clearly missed Borbon’s foot, the batter acted like he was Bear Grylls’ producer.

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I’m a little surprised it took this long for the San Diego Padres to do an Anchorman parody video, but nevertheless, here we are. On Friday, the Padres and MLB released a video of the Padres’ bullpen staff, arguably the best thing about this 1-5 team*, in their very own version of Anchorman, as a tribute to “San Diego’s own Ron Burgundy”. If you ask me, the Padres should have at least one Anchorman-themed night each season, so me and my bros can scream, “Brick killed a guy!” every time someone gets thrown out at second.

The movie came out nine years ago, but I suppose it’s timeless enough, and Will Ferrell and Co. are currently filming a sequel. Hell, if anything, doing it now just means that the Padres can make a follow-up video in conjunction with Anchorman 2’s DVD release next year with the brand new bullpen they’ll have after they’ve traded these guys away in May.

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In a story that is extremely relevant to my interests, the first pitch at Thursday’s San Diego Padres/Los Angeles Dodgers game at PETCO Park was thrown out by Crystal, aka “that one monkey from everything,” aka Annie’s Boobs from ‘Community’. You may remember Crystal from such roles as Dexter in the Night At The Museum franchise, Donald The Monkey in Paul Blart: Zookeeper or Dr. Rizzo in the television series ‘Animal Practice’. You may also already be scrolling down to check and make sure there are actual boobs in this post.

Jason over at Sportress Of Blogitude grabbed a few Instagram photos of the MONKEY TROUBLE~ (note: not the monkey from Monkey Trouble) going down at PETCO, which you can check out below. One features Crystal adorably holding a baseball. Two others feature her taking a dump on Yonder Alonso’s shoulder, probably.

Also amazing: video of Crystal’s “first pitch” and trip to the announce booth.

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19-year old Washington Nationals rookie sensation Bryce Harper hit his first Major League home run during the third inning of Monday’s 8-5 win over the San Diego Padres. This brings him even with three-time MVP Albert Pujols on the season and puts him only 761 behind all-time leader Barry Bonds. It was a moment of celebration, especially for Washington-area sports writers who could not write “Bryce Harper hit a home run” in less than six paragraphs.

Harper’s opinion of his first home run ball is, to date, my very favorite:

After the game, the ball was sitting in his locker with “1st ML HR” written on it in ballpoint pen. The keepsake was going to get a place alongside his first home run ever — at around age 7 — and other mementos. He had a hard time remembering other saved items.

“I don’t really keep track,” Harper said. “All my stuff is in just a box. Posters, magazines — I don’t really care.” (via Sports Illustrated)

Somewhere out there, a nation of teenage girls who’d swoon if they knew young people played sports are swooning.

Of course, there are tons of “there are no words”-esque comments from Harper and his teammates to put the homer in a proper perspective, but I’m pretending they don’t. I want the Nationals to win the World Series on a Bryce Harper 9th-inning walk-off this season just for that moment when he’s interviewed after the game, shrugs and says “whatever, I’m outta here” before sulking away.

Watch in amazement as Jackie Robinson, Jackie Robinson and Jackie Robinson turn a Padres-quality sacrifice bunt into a ridiculous triple play in the top of the 9th inning of Sunday’s Dodgers/San Diego game.

I’d explain things further, but who the hell am I to summarize what Vin Scully says? The play was birthed when home plate umpire Dale Scott called a foul ball foul, had an inner-ear fart and just sorta let the Dodgers finish the play. Padres manager Jackie Robinson Bud Black was ejected during the call, because I guess there will never be a situation where an ump goes, “eeengh okay sorry”.

“The whole play looked funky,” Black said. “I saw the hands go up. Our impression was that it was a foul ball. It happened so fast. I didn’t like the result.”

A few things I’ve learned from this video:

1. You should always finish the play no matter what, because someone important might not be remembering how baseball works.
2. The Dodgers are filled to the brim with serendipity this season.
3. Vin Scully should be baseball’s only announcer.

[h/t The Outside Corner]