Last night’s Western Conference Finals Game 1 between the San Antonio Spurs and the Oklahoma City Thunder was everything that we’ve expected this series to offer us ever since we all predicted that the Top 2 seeds would be playing each other. The Spurs took the first game 101-98, although it wasn’t actually that close, as James Harden made a 3-pointer with one second left in the game that either made a ton of gamblers happy or the complete opposite. But the one thing that every NBA fan expected from this series was no-nonsense intensity and all heart basketball, because these are arguably the two most exciting teams in the NBA. At one point, I think Tim Duncan even nodded his head after someone made a shot. It’s that exciting.
That’s why it was pretty disappointing that in an otherwise entertaining and intense game, Spurs guard Manu Ginobili and Harden reminded everyone how much flopping sucks. In the 4th quarter, with the Spurs clinging to a one-point lead, Ginobili and Harden collided as the former was seemingly attempting a shot and they both flopped. Simply amazing.
I hate the term “posterized”. Like “awesome” for good things and “ginger” for anyone with red hair, it’s become an easy catch-all term to describe every single dunk that happens. So Bismack Biyombo dunked. So what? Dude’s like 6-9, I don’t think the Costacos Brothers are rushing to put dress him like the German Kriegsmarine for a SINKING OF THE BISMACK poster. If the NBA printed a poster for every posterization we’d be living in the world of the Lorax.
What I’m getting at is that Tim Duncan didn’t “posterize” the Birdman during Sunday’s Nuggets/Spurs game … he novelized him. It starts with exposition (“this is a basketball game, Chris Andersen is trying to play defense on contextual grandpa Tim Duncan), continues on through to the rising action (“Tim Duncan hits Birdman in the face with a basketball”) toward a logical climax (“lol, he just got hit in the face with a ball AND dunked on”). The falling action could literally be Duncan coming down after the dunk, and the resolution is that the entire Internet can laugh about how pathetic he made a guy look.
The moment has been captured in glorious animated gif form below, courtesy of SBN by way of CJZero.com.
I’d like to be a NBA hipster and claim that I’m already over this damned Jeremy Lin hype, but I’d be lying. Aside from the endless SportsCenter fellatio that only ESPN can provide the athlete du jour, I think the guy is a great story and he’s an exciting player to watch. But above all else, he’s a reminder that the right guys, while seemingly worthless to one team, can be the perfect fit with another team, if that franchise has capable eyes and ears making the decisions. Do you think Isiah Thomas thinks to sign Lin if he’s still the New York Knicks president? Hell no. And there are plenty of other teams that could have used his shot in the arm – both on the court and in the bank – but the NBA is so lopsided when it comes to competent GMs and team presidents that it’s amazing Lin even got another chance.
Other than that, it’s business as usual this week. The San Antonio Spurs are the hottest team in the NBA with a 9-game winning streak, but we don’t talk about them because they don’t have Lin. The Chicago Bulls are currently the best team in the NBA despite Derrick Rose’s absence and the Miami Heat are quietly plotting the addition of a big man. Will it be Chris Kaman? Nobody knows, but yes, it will be Kaman, because New Orleans is trying to get rid of everyone so the Hornets can eventually finally start the league’s first ever all janitor team.
‘Archer,’ Podcasting, Lana Kane Cosplay, Veal Cutlets, And Truckasaurus Hands: An Interview With Aisha Tyler - Archer week continues. I wonder if I could convince my bosses to organize a The Gospel Bill Show week at UPROXX? [UPROXX]
Ten Recurring ‘SNL’ Characters Who Should Have Been One-Offs - Calling bullsh*t on this list because Billy Smith is the funniest thing ever. I don’t think my brain has yet convinced me that Gilly is a real thing. [Warming Glow]
7 WTF Endorsement Deals Featuring Rappers - It’s even better when you make them up: Hip hop superstar Ma$e says drink more Ovaltine! More Ovaltine, uh huh, yeah! [Smoking Section]
Genius Parody: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close For 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists - “A plane crashes in an EMPTY FIELD and leaves no trace. ARE WE AT F*CKING HOGWARTS?!” [Film Drunk]
Launch Photon Ass Torpedoes — Astronauts in Danger From Their Own Farts - This is what we’re gonna talk about today instead of doing the SOPA blackout. You’re really missing out, Wikipedia. [Gamma Squad]
17 Angelfire Pages That Are Still Up Right Now - This made me chant “holy sh*t” at my computer. Angelfire sucked when I started using the Internet in like 1996. What’s next, discovering the lost ruins of GeoCity? [Buzzfeed]
Wendy Williams Launches Campaign To Save the Twinkie - Paula Deen should join in this, and the two of them should roll around naked in a field of obese babies. Launch a campaign to eat a head of lettuce, your insides look like burnt lasagna. [The FW]
‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Poster Is So Minimalist It Makes Your Ceiling Look Busy - Don’t care, still marking out. It should’ve just been a high-res picture of Trudy and Pete doing the Charleston. [FARK]
Based on the Movie Posters Alone, Which of these 10 Movies Are You Most Compelled to See? - Just Mad Men. But I would probably sit through The Enormous Face Of Kate Beckinsale In 3D. [Pajiba]
The Ultimate Bond Film - Cool story bro: I was trying to do a Google image search for James Bland, the guy who wrote the Virginia state song, and all I got was a bunch of pictures of Daniel Craig. Apparently that’s what people call him. I had no idea. My Bond knowledge is limited to “Goldeneye ruled”. [Unreality]
Troy & Abed’s Dope Adventures - Cool, but a little socially concerning at the same time. Basically the Uncool People On The Internet equivalent of Britta and Annie’s cheerleader wrestling. [High Definite]
From Found Footage Fest emerges “It Ain’t Worth It!”, an abstinence-awareness PSA wherein the sports stars of the 90s explain the dangers of unprotected (and protected) sex in the most 90s way imaginable. You can watch the video below, but here’s a recap: David Robinson is playing a game of pick-up basketball and gets pissed off because his goofy white teammate is too busy looking at women (or “honeys”) to contribute. This prompts Robinson, A.C. Green and Barry Sanders (holding a basketball for some reason) to use rap music, a Trapper Keep aesthetic and what appear to be girls from “In Living Color’s” Fly Girl developmental league to inform teens that penis-to-vagina interaction can cause instant death and possibly explosions. I don’t know, they just really want me to not do it.
Watch the video yourself, then leave us a comment to explain whether you believe sexual intercourse is or is ain’t worth it.
All this video needed was a white kid who looks like he should be a part of the Burger King Kids Club saying “but I WANNA have sex!” and getting between a girl’s legs before he’s stopped by Garfield and one or more of the Ninja Turtles.