Dear Lord, Let’s Watch The Memphis Grizzlies Miss 7 Lay-Ups In A Row

Written by Brandon Stroud / 05.22.13

I am a basketball expert. Because of this, I can say with confidence that missing seven consecutive lay-ups is not a good way to win the Western Conference finals.

The announcers play it off as a spectacular defensive span by the Spurs, but it reminded me the world of those times when I’d have to do lay-ups in gym class, and I was just a little fat white kid with negative-a-hundred basketball experience and the coordination of a pug. Just desperate hopping and extended arms and basketballs hitting the bottom of the rim. The Spurs probably could’ve walked backwards with their hands in the air and played the same defense.

Lionel Hollins, if you’re reading this, check your e-mail. I sent you something. The subject is MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES SHOULD TRY HARD TO NOT BE THIS BAD AT BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW. Lots of good information inside.

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This Week In YouTube Commenter Outrage: The Screaming Spurs Lady

Written by Brandon Stroud / 05.07.13

Last night’s Spurs/Warriors Game 1 went into double overtime and featured a dramatic game-winning three from Manu Ginobli, but the only thing anybody wants to talk about this morning is the “screaming Spurs fan.”

If you watched the game, you may have heard the dulcet tones of a puppy being born for the entirety of the second half and both overtimes. It was just a lady enjoying a great game of basketball with an unfortunate pitch in her voice, but yeah, it sounded like something that would try to kill you in Lord of the Rings. Every time the Spurs scored a basket I could see Frodo fleeing for his life. For The Win put together a list of “Jesus, somebody shut that lady up” tweets from Notable Internet Types, but they’re in good fun, because man was she annoying.

That “good fun” runs out when you leave For The Win and venture into YouTube, where commenters are not afraid to get INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC about why they hate this lady and the things that should be done to her. For your enjoyment (or whatever), I’ve collected a few of the most horrible comments about the Screaming Spurts Lady. Warning: This is the YouTube comments section, and is not suitable for any audience. Reader discretion is advised.

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Hold On To Your Butts: Dennis Rodman Wrote A Book About Acceptance For Children

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.31.13

Dennis The Wild Bull

We may have found the second book for the With Leather Book Club

Dennis Rodman, the former NBA great whose off-the-court life has included multiple arrests for domestic abuse, a nolo contendere to drunk driving and a tag team pro wrestling match against Karl Malone, has written a children’s book. Because of course he has.

Behold: Dennis The Wild Bull, a story about how being different makes you special, as told through the eyes of a bull that looks and acts exactly like Dennis Rodman.

The Hall of Famer’s book, “Dennis The Wild Bull,” came out today, and fans will immediately recognize Rodman’s influence. The large red bull on the cover has flowing red hair, two nose rings, a tattoo and red stubble under his chin.

“More than anything, I just want little kids today just to understand: Ain’t no matter what you do in life — be different, rich or poor, man — guess what? It’s OK to be who you are pretty much and you’ll be accepted,” Rodman said.

If you want to be “who you are pretty much,” you can pick up the book on Amazon.

I can’t decide which is funnier, the namedropping of Rodman’s previous books in the Associated Press release or Rodman’s follow-up, wherein he describes his ability to write “Dennis Rodman, but an animal” as “pretty much incredible.”

The author, whose previous works include titles such as “Bad as I Wanna Be” and “I Should Be Dead by Now,” chose a different audience this time. He said even now, he is recognized by children who never saw him play, and those are the ones he wanted to reach.

“For a guy like me to be very eccentric, to even go to extremes to write a children’s book with all the wild things I do and make it believable was pretty much incredible,” Rodman said.

Co-written with Dustin Warburton, the book tells the story of Dennis, a bull who is taken away from his family and forced to live with other bulls in a rodeo. Though he looks nothing like them, they come to accept him and they all become friends.

I hope this is a trilogy, and that part one ends with Dennis The Wild Bull going to jail like Not Tank Abbott in Bar Brawler. I also hope that Rodman accidentally hears Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer for the first time next Christmas and just goes “ffffuuuuuuuuu.”

For bonus lulz, here’s the pensive author portrait on the back of the book:

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For Absolutely No Reason, The Tim Duncan Outlet Pass Slow Jamz Mixtape

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.30.13

Tim Duncan Outlet PassSometimes a reader sends us a video that isn’t particularly cool, important or funny, but demands to be shared by virtue of its existence.

Meet ‘Tim Duncan Outlet Pass Slow Jamz Mixtape 2013,’ a compilation of Tim Duncan making outlet passes set Keith Sweat’s ‘Twisted.’ Or, as the YouTube description explains:

Tim Duncan tries to make the add some excitement to the fundamentals of basketball.

So, this is either a waste of your time, or the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. Personally, the mixtape left me with two feelings:

1. Keith Sweat was awesome, and
2. I’m going out to the courts to practicing my outlet pass, because the outlet pass is sexy.

[h/t to Ryan Perry]

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Shut Up, David Stern

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.30.12

"And then I gave her an extra $1,000 to take a dump on my chest."

Last night, as I was initially excited to watch what felt like the first honest-to-Cthulhu good Thursday Night Football game of the season, word broke across the Twitters and some sports network that doesn’t like to source other reporters that the San Antonio Spurs would be playing without the team’s stars – Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker – against the Miami Heat. And I had to turn away from Kate Upton to do a spit take because I was like, “Well why in the H-E-Hockey-Lockout would Gregg Popovich do that?”

It turns out that he had a pretty darn good reason.

Meanwhile, the game was actually fantastic. I get a kick out of joking that San Antonio is the most boring team in sports, but they’re obviously not and they proved that by leading the Heat the majority of the game before ultimately falling to Miami, 105-100. So what’s the big deal then? Teams play and lose all the time, and teams certainly rest their starters. Well, David Stern ain’t having that nonsense.

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Sorry, San Antonio Spurs, I Like Your HEB Commercial But I’m Still Going To Randalls

Written by Brandon Stroud / 11.16.12

It’s not as low-rent as the Oklahoma City Thunder shilling Jeeps, but here are the San Antonio Spurs in a commercial for steaks from Texas supermarket chain H-E-B because, hey, I have that grocery store!

Fun fact: They say H-E-B stands for “here everything’s better,” but it actually stands for “Howard Edward Butt”. BUY YOUR GROCERIES AT BUTT. (via Bush League Chronicle)

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Links

Tony Parker Cookout HEBWriter’s Room: Audiences More Entertaining Than the Movie |Film Drunk|

15 Super Famous Actors Who You May Not Have Known Played Football |With Leather|

Ranking All Of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s 28 Nicknames |UPROXX|

Today We Learned Sue Heck From ‘The Middle’ Is Super Cute In Real Life |Warming Glow|

Let’s Talk Possible ‘Episode VII’ Directors |Gamma Squad|

Big Boi And Andre 3000 Speak On Outkast’s Future … Separately |Smoking Section|

Tiki Barber Is Hilariously Desperate For Money |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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