"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."
One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.
It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.
Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:
1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.
2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.
Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.
The highlight, of course, is Jackson changing up his “great vengeance and furious anger” monologue from Pulp Fiction to make it about the Hornets lying their vengeance upon thee. He should’ve taken it all the way and repeatedly asked Blake Griffin what Marsellus Wallace looks like. I guess my only real complaint is that he wasn’t unexpectedly eaten by a shark in the middle of it.
The Hornets and the Minnesota Timberwolves have really emerged as leaders in NBA new media this season. They should throw in together and make dumb viral videos introduced by celebrities. It’d be just like Funny or Die!
Official FilmDrunk Oscars Open Thread - When Viola Davis isn’t awarded for acting but an Oscar goes to the MM MMS I LUBS ME SOME FRIED CHICKEN GURRRL monologue from The Help, you know something’s wrong. [Film Drunk]
The 10 Greatest Oscar Travesties Since 1941 - Number one all time: Jurassic Park not winning Best Picture against literally anything they could put up against it. [Buzzfeed]
HBO’s 10 Greatest Musical Moments - Numbers one through ten: that DA DA DAAAAAA music that plays while the HBO logo from the 80s flies through space. [Warming Glow]
Creature Gear — 6 Pieces of Technology We Should Give to Zoo Animals - I want to stay away from any real life we3 situations that involve me being murdered by something yelling GUD DOG at me. [Gamma Squad]
Meme Watch: The Captain Kitteh Jokes Sail Full Speed Ahead - There needs to be a Delta version where you have to suddenly wait six hours between Captain Kitteh pictures because they still think booking flights on the Internet is make believe. [UPROXX]
The 10 Best GIFs From Thursday Night Television - |UPROXX|
DMX Had A Unique Hennessey Diet While Filming Belly - You aren’t going to care, but I’ve been mad at Belly for like 15 years for getting T-Boz from TLC naked in a movie and filming her in pitch blackness. [Smoking Section]
Review: Wanderlust - “Did not feature T-Boz from TLC nude. Would not watch again.” [Film Drunk]
Pamela Anderson proudly displays Spring’s latest look – eyebrows painted on a snare drum - If I was God, the first thing I’d do is get rid of airplane turbulence. The second thing I’d do is time displace ‘Home Improvement’-era Pam Anderson forever. [FARK]
Man Tests Bulletproof Vest By Shooting Himself [NSFW] - Alternate headline: “Man is total goober, earns place in next 10 editions of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader”. [The FW]
That Really Awkward Photo That Made Brad Pitt Look Like David Spade - That makes Angelina Jolie that illogically hot girl you always find out is banging David Spade, I guess. [Pajiba]
If All the Avengers Posed Like Black Widow - Pro wrestling gets a lot of sh*t for latent homosexuality, but man, it ain’t got nothin’ on comic books. [Unreality]
Samuel L. Jackson x Melody Sheep – Go The F**k To Sleep - New career goal: have someone type “Brandon Stroud x Melody Sheep – Go The F**k To Sleep” about something I’ve done. [High Definite]
The Atlanta Falcons marketing department is hoping that they speak English in Atlanta, because that’s the language Samuel L. Jackson used while recording the team’s newest commercial. The ad calls for Falcons fans to “rise up,” because that’s what Falcons do. They flap their wings to generate lift, which rises them up into the sky. Clever, I know.
The gist of the ad is Sam Jackson and his ridiculous glasses are breaking the fourth wall to pump up Falcons fans for the coming season. While he speaks, a church choir is hanging out in the back, repeating “rise up” as Jackson loses track of his inside voice. And why wouldn’t you rise up after watching this commercial? If you said “because watching football in a dome is stupid,” then I’m inclined to agree with you. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »