You’re not gonna believe this, but Sammy Sosa tested positive for the juicy juice. Sosa’s positive result from the baseball’s 2003 “practice” round of testing was leaked to the New York Timesby “lawyers with knowledge of the drug-testing results from that year.” Why the hell are all of these old tests from 2003 suddenly trickling out to the public?

for reasons never made completely clear, the test results were not destroyed by the players union and the 104 positives were subsequently seized by federal agents on the West Coast investigating matters related to the distribution of drugs to athletes.

The union immediately filed court papers alleging that the agents had illegally seized the tests, and over the past six years judges at various levels of the federal court system have been weighing whether the government can keep them. An 11-judge panel in California is preparing to rule in the case, but regardless of its verdict, the losing side is expected to appeal to the United States Supreme Court.

Wow, I don’t know if the game will ever recover from this. Even after this flunked steroid test and the corked bat exploding in 2003, nothing was worse than him bringing a translator to Congress in 2005. He speaks English! And that translator couldn’t stop him from Palmeiro-ing, either. Congress trying to bring “integrity” back to baseball. How laughable is that…

Signed to a minor-league contract, Sammy Sosa — who, despite hitting 588 roidacious home runs in his career, washed out with the Orioles in 2005 and didn't play last year — is in camp with the Texas Rangers in Arizona, and he's tempering his expectations:

"Why would I come back for 12 more home runs. Why? I want 700 home runs," said Sosa, the most blatant hint that he plans to play beyond this year if his bat speed allows. "I am greedy." … "I will continue to be great to this game. I don't want to talk about what happened in Congress. This is not my problem."… Sosa said he didn't believe his name was tainted by the steroid whispers… "Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet."

We haven't seen anything yet? What is it that makes athletes this stupid? Years of success? Adoring fans? Easily attainable groupie sex? Seriously, I want to know. Because people this willfully unaware of themselves are usually surrounded by padded walls and sexually assaulted by creepy orderlies.

You know what? I'm done with this clown. Here are his numbers from the last time he played two years ago: 380 AB, .221 average, 14 home runs, 84 Ks. He's now 38. Sammy Sosa can eat a plate of steroid-shriveled dick.

Also see: the FanHaus

Sammy Sosa… Salma Hayek… president of Dominican Republic… two dozen models… brain overload:

Sammy Sosa's elaborate birthday party Saturday night attracted more than 700 visitors to his $8 million villa… Actress Salma Hayek, a good friend of Sosa's, arrived amid much fanfare.

Yes, if by "fanfare" they mean "ogling her sweet rack." 

Sosa hired some two dozen young models clad in expensive dresses and high heels, arranging for them to stand along the candlelit driveway as the dignitaries walked down the red carpet. After about two hours of standing, three models walked toward the house, either to freshen up or give their feet some relief. When Sosa saw the models fall out of line, he shot them a stern look and signaled them to return to their posts until the president of the Dominican Republic arrived.

People, I'm telling you from experience, you cannot put up with shit from your models. Once you do things like allow them to rest briefly or go to the bathroom, they think they're entitled to thoughts of their own, then it's all me me me and I I I, and you have to go out and screen a whole new set of girls to be your sexy living statues.

But the funniest part of the story? Sosa still hasn't given up on a comeback to MLB. Yes, the same Sosa who hit .221 for the Orioles two years ago. Next stop for Sammy: San Diego Surf Dawgs.