Last we checked in on former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, he allowed me to absolutely, 100% legitimately spend two days with him and his new public relations team, as they are trying to attempt to rebuild his image with the hopes of getting him back into the good graces of the incredibly evil Baseball Writers Association of America. Basically, it seems that Sosa wants to get his baseball skeletons sorted out and atone for his sins so he can move on with his life. After all, baseball was very good to him.

Sosa has been opening up a little more since those incredible Flickr and Pinterest photos kicked open the gates of our hearts, and it seems that not only is he intent on being voted into the Hall of Fame, but he also apparently wants the Cubs to accept him back and retire his number. At the very least, though, he doesn’t want to come off as desperate, hence the new image makeover and some very meticulously worded quotes.

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"And look Sammy, the bird flies into the pigs!"

By now, you’ve surely seen the glory that is former MLB slugger Sammy Sosa’s Pinterest page, which was unveiled by Deadspin yesterday and quickly pinned on every blog and Tumblr across the Interwebs. If the year ended today and I was forced to throw together my Pulitzer-winning Biggest Sports Moments of the Year feature, there’d be little doubt that this would be No. 2 behind only this GIF of Oregon’s cheerleaders.

Of course, the year doesn’t end in January, because that would mean we’d miss my birthday and that would be a dick move, Father Time. It also means that we’d miss out on the rest of whatever whirlwind public relations tour that Sosa’s handlers are creating for him, as he of course is one of baseball’s steroid era’s biggest personalities and probably in need of a little baby kissing, what with that whole Hall of Fame eligibility thing.

But why, then, was his Pinterest page so hilariously awful? Why does every picture have the same caption on it, proclaiming this to be the real Sammy Sosa? Well, because his team isn’t all that great at social media.

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Forgive the grainy nature of the photo — it’s courtesy of TMZ, so I’m lucky there isn’t a huge T over Sammy Sosa’s face. Anyway, in the spirit of ESPN The Magazine’s White Michael Vick I present to you White Sammy Sosa, a jokey slideshow about how a white version of slugger Sammy Sosa would party with MILFs at strip clubs and try to cram money into stripper vaginas. Wait, is this real? I thought Burnsy photo-shopped this for me. I thought Sammy was undergoing a skin treatment, why does he still look like this oh my god

This is the only context we’re given.

Retired MLB player Sammy Sosa proved he’s still a baller by partying and throwing cash into a belly dancer’s skirt at Lavo in NYC on Sunday.

The 42-year-old knows a good tip when he sees it.

He proved he’s still a baller and that he looks like he should be getting arrested by Dick Tracy. Somebody get ESPN The Magazine on the phone, real life is taking this too far.

Sammy Sosa’s Whiteface Period is, sadly, over. According to an anonymous tip to the New York Post, the former Cubs slugger is back to his originally complected self.

The home run legend claimed he’d mistakenly used a cosmetic cream with an unintended bleaching effect. But last weekend at club Liv at the Fontainebleau in Miami Beach, “Sosa looked back to his usual color and was partying with friends until the early hours,” said a spy. –Page Six, via TBL.

Did you know that only 25 percent of people in Miami consider English to be their first language? I don’t know why that surprises me; that place is pretty much Ellis Island for Cuba. You really haven’t lived until you’ve attemped to flee a communist regime on an inner tube. It’s more fun than rock climbing…and the death rate is probably about the same, too.

Somebody tried to crash Sammy Sosa’s birthday party wearing brown face paint. Enrique Santos, the self-proclaimed “King of All Spanglish Media” decided to gussy up for the event at the Fontainebleau, which is guess is French for…hey, you’re the racist. YOU come up with something.

Invited as a guest to Sosa’s big birthday bash at the Fontainebleau, Santos thought he’d have a little fun with the whole Lightening Gate situation and show up at the party looking like he got locked into a spray tan booth. “I’m currently using a cream which has darkened my complexion,” Santos says. “Ironically, Sammy is going through the same process, but the cream he is using is making him white.”

While on the red carpet doing interviews, Santos was approached by a publicist who asked him what he was doing, telling Santos, “You can’t make fun of him,” and ultimately kicking him out of the affair. –Enrique Santos, via Slanch Report.

Yeah, so dude got tossed from a party for dressing up for Halloween three weeks too late. Big news there. So “brown face” is cool if you’re already Hispanic? I guess if you’re showing up to party with a 41-year-old guy that still calls himself “Sammy,” then probably not.

Noted “comedian” George Lopez has a new talk show now, proving that one doesn’t have to be funny or a comedian to get a talk show these days. Anyway, he makes a nice spoof of the product “intergration” that happens on other horrible shows. And it makes fun of Sammy Sosa’s stab at Caucasianism. Is it funny? Eh. Is it an easy post? You betcha! Now I have time to check my local listings for “The Dan Shanoff Show.” Best. Show. Ever. If it existed. First guest? Tim Tebow’s nuts, with special musical guest Tim Tebow. –via Game On.