Forgive the grainy nature of the photo — it’s courtesy of TMZ, so I’m lucky there isn’t a huge T over Sammy Sosa’s face. Anyway, in the spirit of ESPN The Magazine’s White Michael Vick I present to you White Sammy Sosa, a jokey slideshow about how a white version of slugger Sammy Sosa would party with MILFs at strip clubs and try to cram money into stripper vaginas. Wait, is this real? I thought Burnsy photo-shopped this for me. I thought Sammy was undergoing a skin treatment, why does he still look like this oh my god

This is the only context we’re given.

Retired MLB player Sammy Sosa proved he’s still a baller by partying and throwing cash into a belly dancer’s skirt at Lavo in NYC on Sunday.

The 42-year-old knows a good tip when he sees it.

He proved he’s still a baller and that he looks like he should be getting arrested by Dick Tracy. Somebody get ESPN The Magazine on the phone, real life is taking this too far.

Sammy Sosa’s Whiteface Period is, sadly, over. According to an anonymous tip to the New York Post, the former Cubs slugger is back to his originally complected self.

The home run legend claimed he’d mistakenly used a cosmetic cream with an unintended bleaching effect. But last weekend at club Liv at the Fontainebleau in Miami Beach, “Sosa looked back to his usual color and was partying with friends until the early hours,” said a spy. –Page Six, via TBL.

Did you know that only 25 percent of people in Miami consider English to be their first language? I don’t know why that surprises me; that place is pretty much Ellis Island for Cuba. You really haven’t lived until you’ve attemped to flee a communist regime on an inner tube. It’s more fun than rock climbing…and the death rate is probably about the same, too.

Somebody tried to crash Sammy Sosa’s birthday party wearing brown face paint. Enrique Santos, the self-proclaimed “King of All Spanglish Media” decided to gussy up for the event at the Fontainebleau, which is guess is French for…hey, you’re the racist. YOU come up with something.

Invited as a guest to Sosa’s big birthday bash at the Fontainebleau, Santos thought he’d have a little fun with the whole Lightening Gate situation and show up at the party looking like he got locked into a spray tan booth. “I’m currently using a cream which has darkened my complexion,” Santos says. “Ironically, Sammy is going through the same process, but the cream he is using is making him white.”

While on the red carpet doing interviews, Santos was approached by a publicist who asked him what he was doing, telling Santos, “You can’t make fun of him,” and ultimately kicking him out of the affair. –Enrique Santos, via Slanch Report.

Yeah, so dude got tossed from a party for dressing up for Halloween three weeks too late. Big news there. So “brown face” is cool if you’re already Hispanic? I guess if you’re showing up to party with a 41-year-old guy that still calls himself “Sammy,” then probably not.

Noted “comedian” George Lopez has a new talk show now, proving that one doesn’t have to be funny or a comedian to get a talk show these days. Anyway, he makes a nice spoof of the product “intergration” that happens on other horrible shows. And it makes fun of Sammy Sosa’s stab at Caucasianism. Is it funny? Eh. Is it an easy post? You betcha! Now I have time to check my local listings for “The Dan Shanoff Show.” Best. Show. Ever. If it existed. First guest? Tim Tebow’s nuts, with special musical guest Tim Tebow. –via Game On.

You’re not gonna believe this, but Sammy Sosa tested positive for the juicy juice. Sosa’s positive result from the baseball’s 2003 “practice” round of testing was leaked to the New York Timesby “lawyers with knowledge of the drug-testing results from that year.” Why the hell are all of these old tests from 2003 suddenly trickling out to the public?

for reasons never made completely clear, the test results were not destroyed by the players union and the 104 positives were subsequently seized by federal agents on the West Coast investigating matters related to the distribution of drugs to athletes.

The union immediately filed court papers alleging that the agents had illegally seized the tests, and over the past six years judges at various levels of the federal court system have been weighing whether the government can keep them. An 11-judge panel in California is preparing to rule in the case, but regardless of its verdict, the losing side is expected to appeal to the United States Supreme Court.

Wow, I don’t know if the game will ever recover from this. Even after this flunked steroid test and the corked bat exploding in 2003, nothing was worse than him bringing a translator to Congress in 2005. He speaks English! And that translator couldn’t stop him from Palmeiro-ing, either. Congress trying to bring “integrity” back to baseball. How laughable is that…

Signed to a minor-league contract, Sammy Sosa — who, despite hitting 588 roidacious home runs in his career, washed out with the Orioles in 2005 and didn't play last year — is in camp with the Texas Rangers in Arizona, and he's tempering his expectations:

"Why would I come back for 12 more home runs. Why? I want 700 home runs," said Sosa, the most blatant hint that he plans to play beyond this year if his bat speed allows. "I am greedy." … "I will continue to be great to this game. I don't want to talk about what happened in Congress. This is not my problem."… Sosa said he didn't believe his name was tainted by the steroid whispers… "Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet."

We haven't seen anything yet? What is it that makes athletes this stupid? Years of success? Adoring fans? Easily attainable groupie sex? Seriously, I want to know. Because people this willfully unaware of themselves are usually surrounded by padded walls and sexually assaulted by creepy orderlies.

You know what? I'm done with this clown. Here are his numbers from the last time he played two years ago: 380 AB, .221 average, 14 home runs, 84 Ks. He's now 38. Sammy Sosa can eat a plate of steroid-shriveled dick.

Also see: the FanHaus