One of my personal tenets about sports is that if a guy ever gets worked up about how a guy looks, he needs to step away from the TV and start looking for online courses in interior design, hair design, or…you get the idea. Discussing an athlete’s looks, for guys, is pointless discourse (notice that I said nothing about women, who will spend the entire 3rd quarter of a game deconstructing Tom Brady’s ass and then scold anyone that watched beach volleyball during the Olympics). That said, Matt Taibbi put together a fun piece over at Men’s Journal about the value of ugly, and its history in American sport. Here’s Taibbi discussing Red Sox slugger Kevin Youkilis:

Then there’s Kevin Youkilis. Youk has only three body parts, all hideously oversized: an enormous set of gnomish, bushy forearms; a massive, casaba melon–size white head; and a cauldronlike belly. He has a truly awesome bristle of thick red chin hair that makes his face look like a cross between a vagina and something out of The Hobbit. At the plate he disgustingly gushes sweat by some means previously unknown to science in which the moisture travels upward along his body, racing in a cascade from his balls and armpits up his neck, over his head, and back down over the bill of his helmet to shower the plate.

That’s an odd bit of journo-porn, but it’s a solid read. Sam Cassell, Alex Ovechkin, and Robert Parrish all get their due. When asked for comment, Sam Cassell simply mumbled into the sky and ordered an intergalactic strike on the planet Earth.

I guess Canadia doesn't have the whole speedy trial thing we strive for here in the U S of A, because former Bucks teammates Gary Payton, Sam Cassell, and Jason Caffey have been "cleared of assaulting a male exotic dancer and his stripper fiancée during an ugly confrontation outside a downtown Toronto strip club" in 2003.

Justice William Bassel ruled yesterday that although basketball star Gary Payton likely sparked a dispute with foul language and taunts, he is "not on trial for his vulgar … and offensive conduct."

[Male stripper Adrian] Cimpean alleged Payton started hitting him after he objected to the athlete insulting his fiancée, Vida Asante, as the couple left the club…

But the judge said yesterday the couple's testimony was riddled with exaggerations, inconsistencies and amendments on the fly.

Phew. Justice prevails once again, as some of the NBA's most mild-mannered players are cleared of wrongdoing. Ordinarily I'd have Vida's back here, but once a girl associates with a male stripper, she may as well insert a bear trap in her uterus. Pigeons and sewer rats are cleaner than male strippers.

Big ups: 10,000 Takes 

How exactly 37-year-old Sam Cassell can score 35 points in an NBA game is kind of a mystery, but he did it anyway, hitting two late free throws to cap his performance and lead the Clips to a 96-95 win over the Nuggets.

Carmelo Anthony got ejected after his second technical foul in the 3rd quarter, and that may have cost Denver the game. 'Melo is kind of the guy you want to be taking the last-second shot when you're down by one. Instead, the Nuggets turned to Earl Boykins. Don't get me wrong: Earl Boykins is a good basketball player, and an excellent backup point guard. But asking him to hit the game-winner over Elton Brand is like asking me to come through with a funny post before I've had any caffeine.

Which explains why this post sucks. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the coffeehouse. And by "coffeehouse" I mean "meth lab."