The Year Of Weekday Morning Sporting Events continued today with the conclusion of what the cool kids call the 38th Ryder Cup Matches. This is the event every other year when the best American golfers play the best European golfers and pretend that white people still rule the world. Europe won again by a score of 14½ to 13½, which is pretty awesome, since you can’t really score a half-point in any other sport that doesn’t involve camel-toe.

Graeme McDowell, whose legacy of American ass-kicking is approaching that of the Japanese auto industry, sealed the deal with a clutch putt on the 16th hole. McDowell, for the record, won the US Open at Pebble Beach earlier in the summer, would then watch as a Hunter Mahan duffed a chip on 17. Mahan would miss his ensuing putt and then concede the tournament.

There are probably some good socialism jokes to be made here, but it’ll just get the crazies riled up in the comments section, so I’ll pass. Apparently, people are still convinced that name-calling emblazoned in all-capital letters qualifies as an argument. Maybe this has something to do with why we suck at golf so much. Well, that and Phil Mickelson’s chubby man breasts. It’s a toss-up, really.

The United States kicked Europe’s ass all over the golf course, winning the Ryder Cup back for the Stars and Stripes with a decisive 16½-11½ victory [Ed. note: no idea what that score means].  It’s the first such victory this millennium, and Boo Weekley embodied the Americans’ looseness by riding his driver a la Happy Gilmore.

The fans took their cue from Boo, the arm-waving, fist-clenching, tobacco-chewing, shot-making, cheerleading, Westwood-frosting, syntax-fracturing tour de force at this Ryder Cup.

He’s not to be confused with Boo Weekly, the leading publication for Philly fans. Coming next week: The Phillies are in the playoffs and the Eagles are 3-0 2-1: how to stay negative through potentially happy times.

[Sox and Dawgs]