“What is a douchebag? I really don’t know what it means.”

If there’s a purpose to What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, I’m not sure that E! and the titular swimmer are painting it with the same set of fingers. The network’s newest reality series debuted last night, as the 11-time Olympic swimming medalist wants to give his fans and, more importantly, people like me, who believe that he is a human cartoon character, a glimpse into his daily life as the ultimate All-American boy. The only problem is that E! and the show’s producers do not share that desire.

Once I came to that realization in the show’s opening moments, when we see him shouting his trademark made-up word, “JEAH!” all over the place, my mind began to wander, ultimately making me ask myself this question: Is Ryan Lochte the greatest genius that this world has ever known?

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Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte is probably the lowest-hanging fruit on the pseudo-celebrity tree, but darn it all to heck if I just don’t love the guy to pieces. With the commercial for his new reality show on E! in full rotation, Lochte is making the last second media rounds to promote What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and that included a visit via satellite to Good Day Philadelphia.

I don’t even really know how to describe what’s going on in this clip, because it starts with anchor Sheinelle Jones sporting serious lady boner for Lochte and it continues with the other anchor, Mike Jerrick, rocking the same kind of a-hole, smarmy composure that I’d probably have if I had to interview a guy who trademarked the made up word “JEAH”.

The important thing to remember while watching this is that Lochte aspires to be a serious actor, and he apparently still couldn’t talk his way out of a Taco Bell drive-thru.

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As news leaked yesterday that ESPN had produced a music issue of the network’s magazine that will hit stands on Friday, the spectrum of reaction ran from “Oh God why?” to “Wait, music, huh?” And while I would totally be on board with ESPN the Magazine publishing an issue dedicated to professional athletes who have acted like musicians and vice versa, this is instead just an exercise in athletes dressing up to look like popular musicians. I know, I don’t really understand it either.

Included in the issue, which features LeBron James on the cover with Dr. Dre, is an interview with Jimmy Iovine, the man behind the Beats by Dre headphones. He claims that LeBron James is a better athlete now than he was four years ago because of those headphones. Seriously. Additionally, there’s also a feature on Seattle’s new superstar emcee, Macklemore, who our own Josh Kurp wrote about yesterday.

But the real fun is had with the athletes, and it starts with Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte recreating Nirvana’s “Nevermind” album cover.

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Yesterday, for no apparent reason, Olympic gold medalist swimmer and future Academy Award-winning actor Ryan Lochte gave his Twitter followers a huge gift when he announced that he’d be answering their questions for “#AskLochte” once again. Once Lochte Tweeted, “Let’s go!”, the gates were opened wide for his fans and critics alike to ask the most important, thought-provoking questions they could think of to get inside that complex brain of his. Questions like:

Hey @ryanlochte, is it true that you turned down The Bachelor because ABC doesn’t allow orgies? #AskLochte

— Ashley Burns (@MayorBurnsy) January 17, 2013

For one whole whopping hour, Lochte really gave us a glimpse into what makes that beautiful face of his operate. After the jump, I’ve included some of the best questions that people asked, as well as the questions that Lochte actually answered. And for some extra poops and giggles, I’ll let my favorite South Park characters walk us through it.

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In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).

Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.

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"This week, The Situation stops by to borrow a cup of penicillin."

Last year – before, during and after the 2012 Summer Olympics – gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte made it clear that when he hangs up his Speedo, he wants to become a serious, respected actor. He got a head start on his dream with a forgettable Funny or Die video, an appearance on 90210 that nobody watched and a surprisingly funny turn as Pizzarina Sbarro’s “sex idiot” on 30 Rock. Of course, Lochte was also rumored to be in the running for Dancing with the Stars or even The Bachelor, but what he really wanted was something with meat on its bones, something that he could really sink his teeth into and show the world that he was more than just sculpted abs and the dumbest catchphrase of 2012.

Naturally, none of that worked out and Lochte just signed a deal with E! for his very own reality show with a predictably awful name.

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