Before I watched this commercial, my cultural understanding of Brazil had been drawn mostly from Werner Herzog movies and guesstimated quotes from Pitbull’s “International Love”.

In Brazil they freaky with big ol’ booties. And they thongs? Blue, yellow and green!

Now, thanks to Nike Futebol’s “Brasil x Brasil”, I have a more educated perspective on its people: everyone plays soccer, they all look the same and Anderson Silva is there. And they thongs are a variety of colors.

From Cage Potato, who have to be experts on Brazil a la Wayne Campbell and Sweden because Anderson Silva is always doing stuff:

The message of the ad, which also features members of the Brasilian national soccer team, former Brasil player Ronaldo and singer Thiaguinho, is “Triumph Over Your Shadow.” In one-minute spot, Brasil players Neymar, Ganso, Pato, Thiago Silva, and Mascherano play against themselves in their away jerseys.

See, that’s a much better analysis than the “this is just like the last stage in Super Dodge Ball” paragraph I had written. Ah well, here’s to hoping Silva didn’t go out for a cheeseburger after the game.

Just so we're clear on the order of events here: (1) Soccer star Ronaldo — the fat/old/ugly Brazilian, not Cristiano Ronaldo — got his model girlfriend Maria Beatriz Antony, aka Bia, pregnant. (2) He got some tranny hookers. (3) Bia broke up with him. (4) She apparently took him back, because he was hanging around when she took her top off on a yacht.

There's probably some more details in there, like maybe she got an ultrasound or he ate a sandwich, but that's pretty much all that's relevant.  I dunno, maybe in Brazil guys dressed like women are preferable to pregnant chicks, but my vote still goes to the actual women.  Maybe I'm alone on this one, but pregnant chicks are way hot.  And really easy to talk to.  You just go up to 'em and say, "Man I hate condoms" and BAM!  You've established some common ground right off the bat.

meat-sticks instead of Hot Pockets, if you know what I'm saying.  And I think you do.  Because you heard it yesterday.

Today we get more word of Ronaldo, as well as photos of one of the lovely she-dudes he picked up.  There's also a report that Ronaldo's girlfriend has dumped him, with the possibility that sponsors will follow suit.

According to Brazilian paper "Extra", Maria Beatriz Antony, who lived with Ronaldo up to a few days ago, returned to her parents in Brasilia. Friends told the paper that she repeatedly complained about Ronaldo's type of nightlife in Brazil since the player's return because of an injured knee. So his latest escapade may only be the final straw that tipped the balance against him.

"Extra" claims that Nike is considering unilateral termination of his contract and a request for damages as provided in a clause. "We are still collecting information, there is nothing official yet" is what spokesperson David Grinberg said on behalf of Nike's brazil office. The contract that ties Ronaldo to Nike is lifelong and is worth in excess of 100 million dollars.

Losing your girlfriend and a $100 million sounds bad until you factor in that at least he figured out the hookers were men before they started having sex.  So really, he came out ahead here.

[Also: Deadspin, FanIQ] 

Legendary AC Milan striker Ronaldo — the fat Brazilian Ronaldo who loves hookers, not the good-looking Portuguese Ronaldo who loves hookers — went out looking for a good time the other night and got himself three hookers.  Problem was, there was a little bit of, uh, false advertising.

Police said that the incident began when Ronaldo discovered he was dealing with transvestites instead of women and was reportedly infuriated. Carlos Augusto Nogueira, a police inspector, said that Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met but did not realise they were transvestites until they reached the motel.

“He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun,” Nogueira said. “But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best.” Prostitution is not illegal in Brazil. “Ronaldo said he is not good in the head and that he is going through psychological problems because of his recent [knee] surgery,” Nogueira added.

I don't see what the big deal is.  I mean, they were believable transvestites, right?  They're already with you at the hotel.  Might as well go through with it.  He could've probably even gotten a discount, what with, you know, none of them having vaginas.

[Machochip] 

It's Monday, and you and I both would rather be outside, so how 'bout I just post a long-ass video and you pretend to like it.  Cool?  Cool.

This ten-minute clip from "The Simpsons" (via The Offside) includes some important lessons on the evils of flopping, and we even get treated to a guest appearance by Ronaldo.  In case you're curious, he's much better at nailing models (this one, too) than speaking English.  Just like me.