Last year, a raffle to support a small-town Illinois little league team raised only $10. This year, the people involved in that raffle have upped the ante by offering cookies and lemonade, and holding a yard sale. Wait, no, I’m sorry, they’re auctioning off an AR-15 assault rifle and a 30-round magazine.

This is a raffle you’ll want to win, because Atwood, Ill., is overrun by a bunch of drug-smuggling pirates, and sure, your stealth melee attacks are important for sneaking into outposts and turning off alarms, but eventually you’re gonna want to stand on a tiger cage and blow everybody away. That’s what little league baseball is all about. Little league baseball or FarCry 3, I keep getting those two confused.

“We could have went with a basic shotgun or something simple,” said league commissioner Steven McClain. “But obviously it’s not going to draw the attention, not going to draw the volume we’re hoping to make.”

…

Helping the struggling baseball program seemed like a no-brainer. The [Atwood] armory sponsors a team and knows the need for money was great.

“All that money collectively goes towards paying for shirts, hats, gloves, field maintenance, umpires.” (via Illinois Homepage)

They’ll find even more money if they search all the treasure chests in the area.

My favorite part of the story is that the woman who runs the place where they use weapons to raise money for causes is named CHARIDY BUTCHER:

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While I’ve yet to try Ron Swanson’s guaranteed hangover cure, I have tried hundreds, if not thousands, of others and not a single one works. Hell, there was even a time when I would have paid a million doll hairs for a case of XXX Vitamin Water because I was convinced that it was the ultimate hangover cure, but it turns out that 50 Cent and the makers of that sugar water bullsh*t were simply full of crap. If I can’t trust a mediocre rapper for my vitamins, who can I trust?

But it appears that some UCLA professor/doctor/scientist types have their eyes on the lucrative, untapped market of leaving frat boys’ bathroom sinks unclogged, as UCLA’s Yunfeng Lu and Cheng Ji are hard at work on an actual, honest-to-Pappy Van Winkle cure for the common hangover. Sorry cancer, maybe next year.

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Remember when we all made fun of Rob Lowe earlier this year when he “broke” the “exclusive” “news” on Twitter that Peyton Manning not only wasn’t re-signing with the Indianapolis Colts, but he was never going to play football again? Yeah, that was a fun time. By the way, in case you haven’t had the luxury of Manning carrying your fantasy football team to the playoffs (and the Denver Broncos to the real playoffs, if you want to be all proper and such) he’s possibly going to be the NFL’s MVP this year with 3,502 yards passing and 29 TDs to date (with only 9 INT). Again, Lowe is not a sports reporter.

But he is lucky enough to be on one of the best shows on TV, NBC’s Parks and Recreation, and because of that he got to hang out with some of the Indianapolis Colts players and staff this week, as they film the bachelor party episode for Ben Wyatt (Adam Scott). That is LITERALLY one of the coolest pictures we’ve ever posted.

Oh, and there are also sports on TV tonight, too.

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During this year’s Summer Olympics, NBC’s best play-by-play analyst was Retta, who plays Donna on ‘Parks And Recreation’. Her tweets about chocolate tumblers and the Olympics trying to break a bitch were amazing, and as sports bloggers it’s our duty to shine the spotlight on every legitimately hilarious person who touches sports.

Not only is Retta’s show one of the best on television right now, it’s also one of the most sports friendly. That makes it a perfect fit for Sports On TV, our column dedicated to the best sports moments of shows about something other than sports. This is the first still-on-the-air show we’ve attempted to cover, so if you’re reading this a year from now and are all, “HEY, WHERE’S THE EPISODE WHERE MCKAYLA MARONEY SHOWS UP AND ANDY WINS THE LONG JUMP” or whatever, give us a break, we aren’t time travelers.

With greatest possible love to Retta, Michael Shur, Greg Daniels and the rest of the talented people making my favorite 30 minutes of any given week, here are our 20 favorite sports moments from ‘Parks And Recreation’. I don’t know what this is, but I want you to read all of it.

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I will always support Liberal Bee Jays. I hope their farm team is named ‘Agreeing To Anal’. (via SOB)

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Links

Photoshops Assemble! Fun with The Avengers Premiere |Film Drunk|

Ron Swanson And Rorschach Go Together Like Bacon And Eggs |UPROXX|

Look Out, Alison Brie! |Warming Glow|

New Thor-Filled TV Spot For ‘The Avengers’ Presented By Tony Stark’s Derp Face |Gamma Squad|

TSS Presents Smoking Sessions With Mixed By Ali |Smoking Section|

Woman Seeking Man Who Knocked Her Up In The Bathroom At Megadeth/Motorhead Show On Craigslist |UPROXX|

Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman Invades Superhero Movie Posters |UPROXX|

Facebook Looks To Change The Way We Watch Movies With Bob Marley Documentary |Smoking Section|

Frotcast 95: Fantasy Summer Box Office w/Laremy, Thomas Kinkade, Mel Gibson |Film Drunk|

Capybaras That Look Like Rafael Nadal Is Our New Favorite Tumblr |With Leather|

Kid With Awesome Cardboard Arcade Gets College Scholarship |Gamma Squad|

TV’s 10 Most Profitable Shows Include All the Shows You Hate |Warming Glow|

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You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of years without a championship, but what I said was: Give me all the years without a championship you have.

New Era may have just made the biggest popular culture coolness upgrade ever by following up last season’s “The Rivalry” Red Sox and Yankees campaign featuring Alec Baldwin and John “still Jim after all these years” Krasinski with a Chicago-themed rivalry between White Sox fan Craig Robinson and Cubs fan Ron freaking Swanson. Well, actor Nick Offerman I guess, but Ron Swanson.

We wrote about the story when Offerman ended up on the Internet in a Cubs hat, but here’s the first commercial in the series. It’s exponentially more entertaining than Alec Baldwin saying “Bill Buckner” and Krasinski making derp face at the camera. Check it out after the jump, with a Woman Of The Year-quality hat tip to Big League Stew.

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