The Biggest, Most Incredible, Unbelievable, Shouted About Sports Moments Of 2012

Written by Ashley Burns / 12.19.12

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with Kate Upton.

It is not an easy task to put together a list, such as the Greatest Sports Moments of 2012, specifically because so many things happen in any given year that it’s all but impossible to universally gauge which one event or person is greater than another. But since we’re just a couple dudes who like to make fun of stuff and almost always ignore actual sports news, it’s really quite easy.

With that said, here’s a quick breakdown of how our team of fact checkers and sports analyst number crunchers determine which people, places and things were the most important and influential in 2012…

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With Leather’s Watch This: DON’T CAAAAAAARE

Written by Ashley Burns / 10.01.12

Every NFL season, I reach a point of retrospect, when I look back at my fantasy drafts to determine which players I could have picked instead of who I actually picked. I know, it’s stupid because what the hell did I know then? I’m just glad that I grabbed Alfred Morris so I could ride him until Mike Shanahan trades for Kevin Smith and Ronnie Brown. But the one player that I’ve looked back on already was Jay Cutler, who I was convinced was going to be the premium backup option this year.

When I’m wrong, I’m really f*cking wrong.

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PACKLASH: People On Twitter Really, Really, Really Hate Roger Goodell

Written by Ashley Burns / 09.25.12

You’ve seen the video by now. I won’t pretend that there’s anyone out there who hasn’t. Green Bay Packers defensive back M.D. “20/20” Jennings clearly intercepted Russell Wilson’s hail mary pass as the clock expired in last night’s Monday Night Football game against the Seattle Seahawks. Even my brother, a diehard Seahawks fan, texted me as the world was going nuts that the league’s replacement refs should be fired. It was amazing, to say the least, and I can’t even imagine how I’d react if I were a Packers fan.

I think Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy summed it all up quite nicely.

“It was awful. Just look at the replay. And then the fact that it was reviewed, it was awful,” quarterback Aaron Rodgers succinctly summed it up. “That’s all I’m going to say about it.”

Packers coach Mike McCarthy was equally concise. “Don’t ask me a question about the officials,” he said. “I’ve never seen anything like that in all my years in football.

That said, Ape already did a great job in capturing some of the reactions from last night, and the USA Today has a fun rundown (a fundown!) of random sports figures’ reactions. I poured myself a hot cup o’ java this morning and settled into Twitter to see what I missed after my feed was clogged faster than Kirstie Alley’s toilets on Taco Tuesday last night. The vitriol – if that’s even a strong enough word – for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Twitter is hilariously outrageous.

There were death threats, calls for suicide, and some of the most vulgar invitations for self pleasure that I’ve ever read. Unfortunately, I try to keep these here pages as clean as possible, so I ignored those. Well, most of them. After the jump, I’ve included this morning’s wet spot of PACKLASH.

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The New Orleans Saints And Their Fans Are Still Sticking It To Roger Goodell

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.22.12

In the least surprising news of the month and possibly year, suspended New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma is still super pissed off at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for making him the poster boy of what was lazily dubbed “Bountygate”. For a refresher, the league banned Vilma for a year – as well as Gregg Williams for eternity and Sean Payton for the season, among others – because of a cooler full of evidence that was delivered to the NFL by George Bluth’s former secretary Kitty, if I’ve understood this whole thing correctly.

Vilma has since called baloney on Goodell, as has Drew Brees and other Saints players, but Ol’ Iron Fist Goodell ain’t care. So Vilma has now responded in the most drastic manner possible – he banned Goodell from his Miami BBQ restaurant, Brother Jimmy’s. How serious is Vilma? He hung a sign in the window.

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Great News, Saints Fans: Your State Lawmakers Are Going After The NFL

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.15.12

Trust me, folks – I hate talking any level of politics on this here sports humor blog, but sometimes I just can’t help but slap my forehead at the time management of our great nation’s elected officials. Today’s tale of “WTF, politicians?” comes from Louisiana, where state senators have voted almost unanimously to demand that the NFL reconsider the punishments handed down to the New Orleans Saints for their role in BOUNTY GATE: THE GATE THAT INVOLVED BOUNTIES™.

Back in March, Rep. Cameron Henry, a Republican from the fine parish of Jefferson, introduced House Concurrent Resolution 50, which basically says that the NFL was wrong to fine the Saints half a million and suspend coach Sean Payton for the year. The bill passed 28-1 and now the Louisiana state legislature demands action by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, or else they will not show their tits for beads. I think that’s how this works.

“There is widespread public opinion throughout the state of Louisiana and beyond that the penalties imposed upon the Saints are too harsh and should be reconsidered,” the resolution says.

Henry’s resolution says that the suspensions “will likely have a negative economic impact across the Crescent City and the state as a whole.” (The Times-Picayune via Pro Football Talk)

Look, I may not be some fancy, big city slicker lawyer type, but I have watched a football game or two in my day, and I’ve certainly enjoyed the treasures of New Orleans on a few occasions. So if I had to make a prediction of how this bill will influence the NFL commish, I’d say: 1) It won’t; B) Nah, it won’t; and III) Seriously, it won’t. But I also don’t think it will affect people traveling to the state either, because as long as people enjoy pissing money away at Harrah’s and sucking down crawfish and beignets, the Big Easy will be fine (see you in November, Cajun Boy!). Just have a few hand grenades and heckles some tourists. This whole mess will be over soon enough.

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The NFL Is Giving A-Hole Fans A Second Chance

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.16.12

Some Raiders fans are really quite pleasant.

For the past two years, the NFL has apparently been sending undercover rival fans into stadiums to goad home fans into starting fights so Roger Goodell and his army of peacekeepers could weed out the sh*tty fans. Somewhere Bryan Stow’s family is like, “WTF Bud Selig?”

The fans that were busted picking fights and acting a fool, as my friend Ludacris would say, received lifetime bans from NFL games, because little Timmy and Sally Everyperson need to have a good time watching guys kick the piss out of each other on a field every Sunday.

But don’t worry, guys who like getting hammered and picking fights to make yourselves feel better about your awful lives. The NFL is giving you all a second chance by letting you take an online test to make sure you’ve learned your lessons.

“We’re not trying to squash anyone’s passion. We’re just trying to say don’t be violent,” said Dr. Ari Novick, the Californian who’s the brains behind the program.

Requirements will vary depending on the stadium, but most of the time the stadium louts will have to pass the test before being allowed back in, he said.

The classes are an effort to stem the rising tide of ugly stadium behavior that has included everything from bare-knuckle brawls to lewd Jets fans who screamed obscenities at women until they exposed their breasts in a rude Gate D tradition at the old Giants Stadium. (Via the New York Post)

The test also costs $75, so I wouldn’t be too shocked if a few people end up failing them two or three or 12 times before they’re allowed back, if you know what I mean.

Actually, the NFL doesn’t get any of the money. For each person who takes the test, Mothers Against Drunk Driving gets $10 and the HERO Campaign gets another $10. The other $55? Oh, it goes in Dr. Novick’s pocket. How convenient of an idea.

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