It took the longest fifth set in Wimbledon history for Roger Federer to get past Andy Roddick in the men’s final at the All England Club. Roddick held serve all but one time, as Federer and that stupid white jacket of his marched toward an unprecedented 15th major tennis championship. I have to give love to Roddick showing such naddage in the final, especially playing with a hip flexor injury that will force him to miss the Davis Cup, whatever that is. I’m sure it involves large helpings of lasagna and obese cats. Ufford would love it.

ASYLUM POLL: Who is the greatest major champion? Tiger Woods or Roger Federer?

Tiger Woods was in The District this past weekend, holding off stiff competition in his own tournament, the AT&T National, which is a crappy tournament name for such a good golfer. Hunter Mahan and Anthony Kim also came up short of catching the King of Cablinasia, as Tiger won his 3rd tournament of the year by one shot over Mahan. And then Tiger probably just went home and ate some grapes or something, because winning is all he does, and if some day he plays in a tournament and doesn’t win, he can set out on his other mission–killing Sarah Connor.

Tiger Woods won at the Memorial on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio yesterday, not far from the Columbus Zoo, in fact. Woods was four strokes off the lead heading into Sunday blah blah blah he kicked everyone in the nuts and won. I wish Tiger was from New York or Boston so the rest of the country could be as bothered with him as I am.

And here comes your last tennis news for June: Roger Federer won the French. Oh, sure, it’s easy when you don’t have to play Nadal, isn’t it, Roger? That gives Roger 14 majors and a career grand slam, an achievement that took me down a dark and dangerous path: what would be a “grand slam” for actual professions? Would a “Waiting tables” grand slam involve Family Restaurant/Irish Pub/Four-Star White Linen Joint/Rollerskating Diner? The grand slam for johns? Asian/Redhead/MILF/I Swear She Said She Was 18? This standing needs to be applied in all walks of life, otherwise it means nothing. Eh, it probably means nothing anyway.

From Hot Clicks: It’s Tiger Woods and Derek Jeter walking down the street looking like douchebags. Not sure when Saturday Night Fever became timely again. And look, there’s Roger Federer on another set 5,000 miles away. Or, um, across the street. Yeah, that’s it. Nice shoes, asshole.

The Super Bowl blotted out all other sporting events this weekend, and that’s too bad*, because there was some outstanding action in other arenas.

RAFAEL NADAL IS A BADASS – Nadal, whose five-set semifinal match was the longest in Australian Open history (5 hours, 14 minutes), had one day less to prepare for the final than Roger Federer, and Nadal still beat him — in five sets that took almost four and a half hours.  Then Federer cried.  Awesome.

GEORGES ST-PIERRE: ALSO A BADASS — GSP’s domination of a completely overmatched BJ Penn at uFC 94 started talk of the French Candian taking on middleweight champion Anderson Silva for the sport’s next “superfight.”  However, the fight I’m looking forward to most is Jon Jones versus anyone at all.  His unanimous decision over Stephan Bonner was the most entertaining fight of the night.

HOCKEY, BASKETBALL STILL GOING ON – I just wanted to make them feel special.  Just eleven days until the NBA’s All-Star weekend, so that’s something to kind of look forward to.  I guess.

*not really

The men’s tennis world has finally been united under a common belief: Novak Djokovic is a gaping vagina.  Roger Federer, a man as prone to controversy as American cheese or particle board, criticized Djokovic for retiring in the heat against Andy Roddick:

“He’s not a guy who’s never given up before … it’s disappointing,” said Federer… “I’m almost in favor of saying, you know what, if you’re not fit enough, just get out of here. If Novak were up two sets to love I don’t think he would have retired 4-0 down in the fourth [set].”

Dude, you just got called a pussy… by a tennis player! BURN!  This will no doubt be added to Djokovic’s legacy of quitting:

In 2006, Djokovic retired from his French Open quarterfinal against Rafael Nadal after losing the first two sets. In 2007 he abandoned his Wimbledon semifinal contest against Nadal, blaming a toe blister.

Djokovic’s habit of calling for a trainer on court has often irked his opponents… Last September at the U.S. Open, an exasperated Roddick said of him, “He’s either quick to call a trainer or he’s the most courageous guy of all time.”

Roddick, by the way, lost his semifinal match to Federer last night (or later tonight? weird Australia time), 6-2, 7-5, 7-5.  But at least he didn’t QUIT!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

Roger Federer probably wasn't too thrilled to lose his first match following his defeat in the Wimbledon final to an unseeded opponent in the first round of the Rogers Open earlier this week. What spurred the further letdown? Still crestfallen from finally letting Rafael Nadal get the best of him? Or that he was refused the suite named from him at the Hilton Toronto because some Bollywood stars were already in it?

He as usual went to the star hotel and asked for the suite room which is called as the Federer suite as an honour for his talent and sporting achievements.
 
And guess what reply this world celebrated player got from the hotel staff.
 
They requested him opt for some other suite as the opulent space named after him had been given to a celebrity couple from India.
 
Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwrya Rai were staying in Federer suite.

As tempting as it is to knock R-Fed here, I'm pretty sure if I went to a swank hotel that had named a suite after me and they had given it to someone else, there'd be a bit of throwing of furniture. Which is actually better than my usual burning of furniture. What do you want? I went to University of Maryland. Burning couches is our only source of heat in the winter. I'd say amusement too, but huffing paint takes care of that.