Inside his notebook? BBQ recipes and smut.

Back in 2008, former Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, Houston Astros and New York Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens might have lied to a U.S. House Committee when precious time and taxpayer money was used to determine whether or not the Rocket used steroids and human growth hormones during his Major League Baseball career. Because if there’s one thing the people of this fine country care about in an election year, it’s the sanctity of a sport.

Now, Clemens’ perjury and obstruction of justice trial is underway, as the third day of jury selection has begun. In 2008, Clemens and his lawyer, Rusty Hardin, faced off against two attorneys. This time – in a trial to determine whether or not a guy lied – they’ll face 5 lawyers. So take a wild guess what that means.

The mind-numbing task of choosing a jury for Clemens’ retrial has gone on for two days and might not be done by the end of the week.

“Things aren’t going as fast as I thought,” said U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton.

The only quick rounds Tuesday were the 11 jurors who were excused for one reason or another — including some who said religious prohibitions against judging others would prevent them from serving. (Via the Seattle Post Intelligencer)

Now I’m no big city slicker legal lawyer type or nothin’, but I have been known to pay my taxes on occasion and I, for one, am not only glad that our government is taking down such a heinous Bond villain like Clemens, whose evil plan to throw broken bats at innocent people all over the world threatens justice and civility for all, but that they’re going to spend a sh*t ton of money in doing so.

It will all be worth it when the conviction of Clemens ends poverty and hunger in America and restores our education system to No. 1 in the world.

… which is pretty good, if you ask me.

Sports

John Wall Returns to North Carolina Pro-Am, Makes Julius Hodge Famous - I used to know what John Wall was famous for, but all I can see when I hear his name is that terrible, terrible pitch. I will think of O.J. Simpson as a Heisman Trophy-winning football star before I’ll picture John Wall as anything other than Mariah Carey in a Nationals hat. [Smoking Section]

The ‘Pitcher Name’ Phenomenon - Jon Bois uses irrefutable Sporcle-centric data to substantiate his theory that pitchers can be born with a “pitcher name”. It’s interesting and worth a look, even if it’s as scientifically valid as the other thing I learned on Sporcle, which is 99% of people know “Lion King” by only like 52% have heard of “Dumbo”. SMDH [SBN]

Watch Some Dude Get Schooled By a Woman in MMA Exhibition - It’s always fun to watch a woman beat up a man, for some reason. It’s one of the unexpected quirks of the women’s lib movement. If I ever run into a white woman with cornrows I am crossing the goddamn street. [Cage Potato]

James Harrison Comments On His Comments - Kissing Suzy Kolber handles the delicate James Harrison situation in a much more eloquent way than we did. And I had to come up with a new headline, because the real one has gay slurs and sacrilege. [KSK]

With Leather

Brooklyn Decker and the 2011 ESPYs - We talk a lot about Kate Upton on this network of websites, but don’t sleep on her 24-year old Old Lady equivalent. I think showing up in an Adam Sandler comedy aged Decker by about twenty years in our minds. You know Upton’s going to show up as Luis Guzman’s girlfriend or something dumb in one of those things. [With Leather]

The ‘Roger Clemens Mistrial’ Dugout - Sometimes I give these things esoteric headlines and nobody reads them, because the most important part of blogging is putting buzzwords in your title. I should’ve called it ROGER CLEMENS LIAR CHEATS JUSTICE SYSTEM RAPES INTEGRITY. Or “Fat Guy Cheats At Baseball, Life”. [The Dugout]

St. Louis Named Top City In Which to Find a Hot Baseball Girlfriend - This has been backed up by my good friend (and Anarchy Championship Wrestling Heavyweight Champion) Davey Vega as well as Dugout commenting stalwart Donut King. What else are they gonna do, cheer for the Blues? [With Leather]

Punte Interviews Urijah Faber and Jon “Bones” Jones - Our Man Zerkle visited the set of the Kenny Powers K-SWISS commercials and interviewed every awesome person there, except for the little one in the mask who fake fights that I would’ve been most interested in. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Annie and Britta are Naked and Spanking Each Other - I’m not sure how else to share this with you. Some photographer convinced Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs that this would be a good idea, and I mean I guess it is, but jeez. It’s one step away from Terry Richardson making the Gossip Girl cast french kiss soft serve. In a related story, Annie is still hotter than Britta by like forty-thousand miles. [Warming Glow]

First Look: Colin Farrell in Total Recall Remake - The original Total Recall is one of my girlfriend’s favorite movies, so I’m including this here. She once sent her Mom a text message that said “get your ass to Mars”. [Film Drunk]

No Emmy Nomination For Ron Swanson, The Internet Reacts - Nick Offerman’s face is more expressive and a better actor than the cast of “Glee” and at least 4 of those 6 people nominated from “Modern Family”. I still think awards are stupid, But they’d be less stupid if they went to the right people. [Uproxx]

Superbook - I mentioned this yesterday, but am including a formal link to it today. Here’s a thing I wrote a few years ago about my favorite religious Japanese cartoon from the 80s, featuring nudity, blasphemous robots and too many anime references for you to handle. [Progressive Boink]

Roger Clemens is a free man. More or less.

The perjury trial of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens ended in a mistrial on the second day of witness testimony after prosecutors showed the jury evidence that violated a court order.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton in Washington said today that he’s considering barring further prosecution of Clemens on double-jeopardy grounds and set a hearing for Sept. 2 on whether to let the case proceed.

As a baseball fan and a human male on the Internet, I am outraged. I want Roger Clemens to go to jail for the rest of his life. No, I don’t think a prison term is the best idea for someone who cheated at baseball or did drugs or lied about either, I just really don’t like Roger Clemens. I am going to register a “kill Roger Clemens with a firing squad” Facebook page because of this, and I’m sure that will effect change.

Until then, please read the transcript from today’s proceedings.

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Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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Since being indicted last week on charges of perjury and obstruction, among other felonies, Roger Clemens has been feverishly denying the allegations that he ever used performance-enhancing drugs and especially that he lied to Congress. And it appears that he’s using the best PR team that money can buy, because he’s defending himself via Twitter. By making fun of a reporter. To his niece.

The man who once inexplicably threw a shattered bat at Mike Piazza has been spending the past few days thanking his 9,200+ followers for supporting him, and again denying any wrongdoing. But his last three Tweets have caught the attention of the Interwebs and especially U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton, who has told everyone involved in the federal case – mainly Clemens – to shut the fudge up by issuing a gag order to prevent the tainting of a jury pool. I tainted a jury pool once. Whatever, they shouldn’t have fallen asleep on my couch.

Hey Roger, what’s the best way to gain public support and rebuild your image?

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Remember when Roger Clemens swore up and down in front of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform that he had never taken steroids or used performance-enhancing drugs while playing professional baseball? And remember how his trainer Brian McNamee ratted him out to that same committee? Yeah, Clemens might be royally screwed now.

The former New York Yankees pitcher has been indicted by federal authorities on six charges of perjury and obstruction after allegedly lying his pock-mark-riddled ass off to the House committee in 2008. Clemens and McNamee famously bickered in front of elected government officials with nothing better to do than hold hearings on PED use in baseball, eventually leading to the decision to investigate Clemens for perjury. Tough luck, Roger. Let’s hope nobody throws their bat at you in prison.

Don’t drop the soap, New York Times:

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