Everything Is Now Officially Sports Related

Written by Ashley Burns / 02.18.13

In talking with a friend of mine yesterday, after news broke that Mindy McCready had killed herself, he asked, “Who the f*ck is Mindy McCready?” I first replied, “A country singer.” That didn’t clear anything up. Next I tried, “Crazy lady, always in and out of rehab”, but that didn’t help either. So I went with: “Roger Clemens had an affair with her back in the 90s when she was like 15 or something” and he replied, “Oh yeah”, and the reason I bring this up is because the New York Daily News editors apparently had a similar discussion with someone last night as well.

McCready’s death and her relationship with Clemens really have nothing to do with each other, unless you count “They’re both things that happened” as a valid excuse, in which case you can go ahead and report to the NY Daily News for your new gig. It’s also important to remember that not only is a very troubled person now dead, but so is her boyfriend, whose murder had people pointing at McCready, and she even killed her dog before offing herself, which… well, my feelings about people who kill pets can best be summed up in one GIF.

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The 2013 Baseball Hall Of Fame Votes Are In

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.09.13

MLB Hall Of Fame

Today is the day when we find out who’ll be the next legendary superstar elected into Baseball’s Hall Of Fame!

This year features an especially deep class of eligible players, from home run king Barry Bonds to 7-time Cy Young award winner Roger Clemens to HBP icon Craig Biggio. We’ve been arguing back and forth about this for months, and the time is up … let’s see who the sports writers of America voted into the Hall!

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Sports On TV: The Simpsons’ 20 Greatest Golden Age Sports Moments

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.04.12


The Simpsons champ to whale on local man

It’s impossible to overstate the brilliance and cultural impact of ‘The Simpsons’. It’s the reason why most of us think what we think is funny is funny, whether we’ll admit it or not.

It’s just as impossible to agree on what constitutes the “golden age” of the show. Everyone agrees that there’s a certain time frame in which ‘The Simpsons’ was the best show on television (and possibly ever), but we all have a different interpretation of when that era started and stopped. Some people think it was the first 9 or 10 season. Some people narrow that down to 1-8. Some people with impossible f**king standards think it peaked from seasons 3-5, or even 4.

For this week’s Sports On TV column, I used the most generally agreed-upon definition of the show’s prime: season 2 through season 8. Tackling the best sports moments of a monster like ‘The Simpsons’ is tough, so consider this a Part 1 of its own series, destined to include a Part 2, Part 3, and even a Part 4, should we delve into those wretched, later season guest star hives like “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass”.

So please enjoy the 20 best sports moments from the golden age of ‘The Simpsons,’ and be sure to drop us a comment and share your love. Special thanks to Ari Amaru for the screencaps.

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Roger Clemens Is On His Way To Being The New Jose Canseco

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.20.12

Just two days after I hosted my 2-month anniversary celebration for his acquittal – including jalapeno poppers! – Roger Clemens is back in our lives for what he was always best at – throwing broken bats at Mike Piazza in a frenzied rage that was definitely not brought on by steroid use. Unfortunately, Piazza hasn’t signed on yet, so we’ll have to settle for Clemens doing what he hasn’t been good at for 7 years – pitching.

Clemens has signed a deal with the Sugar Land Skeeters of the Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Club officials told the FOX affiliate that the 50-year-old was clocked at 87 mph during a workout on Monday.

For what it’s worth (which could be absolutely nothing), the Skeeters website has Saturday listed as The Human Fireball Night.

“The Bases are sure to be smoking after this game,” the team’s site states. “No, not from all the runs the Skeeters will score. It will be from Stuntman Ted Batchelor as he LIGHTS HIMSELF ON FIRE after the game and does a complete trip around the bases.” (Via FOX Sports)

Obviously we’re all thinking the same thing – why isn’t Clemens the one who is being lit on fire? I mean, 87 mph is pretty weak, so maybe burning him alive is just the motivation Clemens will need to add a few mph to that crappy effort.

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Roger Clemens Is Innocent, Didn’t Know About The Man-Sized Needle In His Ass

Written by Brandon Stroud / 06.20.12

I’m facing a Taiwanese Animation curse. Whenever I share them, people go “heh yeah okay” and that’s it. When I don’t, they get linked everywhere and people are all LOL CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS. What I’m trying to say is “Carol, just move to the United States and marry me so I can stop worrying about it”.

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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 6/18/12: A One Man Baaaa Aaaa Aaaand |With Leather|

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10 Amazing Predictions For This Week In Sports

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.01.12

Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!

Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.

Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)

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