Remember when we all made fun of Rob Lowe earlier this year when he “broke” the “exclusive” “news” on Twitter that Peyton Manning not only wasn’t re-signing with the Indianapolis Colts, but he was never going to play football again? Yeah, that was a fun time. By the way, in case you haven’t had the luxury of Manning carrying your fantasy football team to the playoffs (and the Denver Broncos to the real playoffs, if you want to be all proper and such) he’s possibly going to be the NFL’s MVP this year with 3,502 yards passing and 29 TDs to date (with only 9 INT). Again, Lowe is not a sports reporter.
One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.
Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.
So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.
I’d like to be a NBA hipster and claim that I’m already over this damned Jeremy Lin hype, but I’d be lying. Aside from the endless SportsCenter fellatio that only ESPN can provide the athlete du jour, I think the guy is a great story and he’s an exciting player to watch. But above all else, he’s a reminder that the right guys, while seemingly worthless to one team, can be the perfect fit with another team, if that franchise has capable eyes and ears making the decisions. Do you think Isiah Thomas thinks to sign Lin if he’s still the New York Knicks president? Hell no. And there are plenty of other teams that could have used his shot in the arm – both on the court and in the bank – but the NBA is so lopsided when it comes to competent GMs and team presidents that it’s amazing Lin even got another chance.
Other than that, it’s business as usual this week. The San Antonio Spurs are the hottest team in the NBA with a 9-game winning streak, but we don’t talk about them because they don’t have Lin. The Chicago Bulls are currently the best team in the NBA despite Derrick Rose’s absence and the Miami Heat are quietly plotting the addition of a big man. Will it be Chris Kaman? Nobody knows, but yes, it will be Kaman, because New Orleans is trying to get rid of everyone so the Hornets can eventually finally start the league’s first ever all janitor team.
Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay is the kind of guy who’d be a 52-year old multimillionaire and have his Twitter icon be a picture of himself playing guitar, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he’d offer two Super Bowl tickets to whatever random person could predict the new Colts head coach. It would also not be surprising if he propped up a cardboard box with a stick, put Super Bowl tickets under it, then pulled the stick away when you crawled under to grab them.
An an episode from last year’s third season of ‘Parks And Recreation’ (the best show on TV, if you aren’t into making gifs), Leslie Knope is told that she’s organized Pawnee’s upcoming Harvest Festival on the site of an ancient Wamapoke Indian burial ground, and that unless she moves it, the festival will be cursed. Wamapoke tribe leader John Redcorn Ken Hotate goes on local TV show Ya Heard? With Perd! to spread the news of the curse and brings an animated video in the style of Next Media Animation’s batsh*t insane Taiwanese news recaps to illustrate his point.
Fast forward to two days ago when Parks And Rec star Rob Lowe (of all the people in the world) broke the story of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning’s impending retirement, citing “pretty darn good sources”. The story might not be true, but a butterfly flapped its wings on Twitter and caused a tidal wave to hit Taiwan, and now the goofy animation news team parodied on Parks And Recreation are making a goofy animated news piece about someone Parks And Recreation reporting news.
Hold on, my Internet is broken.
Taiwan’s attempt to rationalize the Indianapolis Colts’ futility with horse punching and lightning bolts is below.
Feminist Jay-Z Is In A Respectful State Of Mind - I appreciate what Jay is trying to do and don’t think we should make fun of it, but Sweet Cooch Brown having the “bombest personality in town” is really funny. P.S. why didn’t you start respecting women when you met your wife? [UPROXX]
NBA Laboratory: Can LeBron Do It All By Himself? - More entertaining and thematically accurate than anything LeBron has done in real life. Robert Awful would be proud. [SB Nation]
Summer Roberts Will Rock Your Pap Smear - I don’t care how pretty Rachel Bilson is (and she’s extremely pretty), being Zach Braff’s worst movie girlfriend and spending 15 years on White People Problems The Show isn’t a cool way to convince me you’re good at things. You’d have less haters if anything you did was good, ever. [Warming Glow]
The Awesome Terminator And Transformers Cosplay Of Peter Kokis - This guy’s thought process is great. “Oh wow, cool, giant robots. I need to DRESS LIKE THEM.” [Gamma Squad]
My 5 Favorite Rapper Cameos On “Chappelle’s Show” - Mos Def is the best rapper cameo on anything, but that could be my undying love for Def Poetry showing. [Smoking Section]
Frotcast 83: Wahlberg-gate, Carnage, & Theater Stories with Comedian Matt Louv - Hey Mark Wahlberg, I wouldn’t masturbate either if I got to meat-kiss teenage Reese Witherspoon in the 90s. Put your life into perspective. COME ON COME ON. [Film Drunk]
Valentine’s Day Advisory: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag - I need to start using that dismissive wank gif. Just all the time, post stories about the Kardashians or Bieber dunking on Shaq or Baron Davis or almost anyone that brings page traffic and it’s nothing but the wanking gif. [KSK]
35 Unforgivable Facebook Statuses - Some of these took my breath away. I didn’t know a Facebook status could make you facepalm in real life. [Buzzfeed]
The Funniest Twitter Reactions To Rick Perry’s Exit - The best reaction to Rick Perry’s exit is smiling and loving yourself, because you aren’t the kind of person who supports Rick Perry and live in a world where he doesn’t get to be President. Eat a dick, Rick Perry. [HuffPost Comedy]
7 Eerily Accurate Rob Lowe Tweets - He is, literally, God here. [The FW]
Ever Wonder What Snooki Would Look Like Without Makeup? - I think she looks way, way better. Huge upgrade. She looks her age, and doesn’t look like something from Ghoulies. [FARK]
Enjoy the Awesome Introduction Video for the O’Neill Girls 2012 Surf Team - I will! [Brobible]