According to the hip kids on my street that I pay to not steal my packages from Amazon, singer and woman who has voluntarily dated Chris Brown multiple times, Rihanna, recently canceled some of her concerts on her latest tour because she hasn’t been feeling well. However, as I have dabbled in garage medical practice in the past, the best cure for pop singer fatigue has always been going to Miami Heat playoff games.

Rihanna sat courtside with her friend during last night’s Heat blowout of the Milwaukee Bucks, and just look at how edgy and in-your-face they were with their white Heat sunglasses and cunnilingus finger poses. Kids these days.

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In the wake of what has turned into one of the sissiest bar fights to ever involve two hip hop stars, multiple people are now looking for pay days. For starters, a few girls have come forward to claim that they were injured during the bottle fight at a night club in New York City that was started by members of Drake’s and Chris Brown’s respective entourages. And the bigger news was that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was also partying in VIP – supposedly with Brown – and he was hit in the face with a bottle. Parker suffered some eye damage, but isn’t expected to miss the Summer Olympics. Nevertheless, he’s also suing for $20 million.

And now, a celebrity boxing promoter that you’ve never heard of has stepped forward to cash in on this beef jerky. Damon Feldman is offering $1 million to a charity that supports abused women if Drake and Brown agree to fight, with Rihanna as a ring girl.

The fight, he said, would feature three minute-long rounds with the participants donning oversized gloves and protective head gear.

Feldman is no stranger to publicity. He has put on fights featuring ex-baseball outfielder Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael and Rodney King.

Feldman says he has not received a response from either Drake or Brown. (Via CNN)

Is this all it takes to get your name in the media these days? Fine. I’ll pay $1 million to a charity that supports blind orphans if Kate Upton and Mila Kunis accept my challenge to become my Mormon wives. Someone let me know when CNN has my article up.

Details are still trickling in regarding last week’s random night club brawl between the posses of Chris Brown and Drake, but what we do know so far is that Brown and his people have already been to the police and told a tale that makes everything sound like it’s all Drake’s fault. What we also know is that everyone involved in this stupid story is a total uber-douche, from Brown to Drake to dudes who rips their shirts off in clubs to Rihanna’s magical unicorn vagina.

But now we also know that France’s Olympic basketball hopes were very close to going down the crapper, because Tony Parker was also up in the club, getting popped in the eye by the flying projectiles.

“I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about… I got it all,” Parker told a news conference.

“The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days… But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added. (Via Reuters)

It will take a nuclear Armageddon to stop NBA stars from hanging out with rappers, especially when a guy like Parker is both of those things. But hanging out with Brown is really the lowest rung on the ladder for a basketball player. I could name 100 hip hop artists I’d rather hang out with than Brown, including Coolio, Biz Markie, Snow, and MC Serch.

And I don’t hate Brown just because he beat the crap out of Rihanna or because he encouraged people to perform physical violence on Cher or because his music is drenched in autotuned sewage. Wait, no, those are precisely the reasons I hate him.

I think we all need to take a seat, maybe form a circle and just relax for a few minutes. We get a little bit too crazy about sports sometimes, and we tend to overreact toward athletes and media analysts for their decisions and/or opinions. I mean, take Twitter, for example. Have you seen the horrible verbal venom that is spewed at famous people on that “social media” site on a daily basis? Hell, I’m as guilty as the next guy for making cracks at some athletes, but I’m talking about the violent threats.

It’s really getting out of hand, and it’s been spilling out into our stadiums and arenas now, ruining the idea of fun competition for everyone. What the hell’s the point of going to a game or a bar these days if you constantly have to look over your shoulder and wonder if someone is about to stab you? Sports are supposed to take our minds off the really sh*tty things in life and provide hope and inspiration. Instead, we have people slaughtering each other in the streets.

Everybody calm down and let’s remember why we’re here in the first place… to hope that the other team loses and pray for people to be fired. That’s what sports are all about, dang it.

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As we’ve previously discussed by candlelight, two-time Super Bowl MVP and Champion Eli Manning is hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest and beacon of humility Rihanna. As is routine, NBC released a series of promos this week featuring Eli, who is following in the footsteps of his big brother Peyton once again with this hosting gig.

After all, anything that two brothers do will always be compared. Isn’t that right, Ed? Big movie star, that guy. “The pride of the Burns family,” our parents say via Skype on holidays. Because “acting is a real job, not like sitting around in your underwear, talking about 19-year old models.” Right? WELL I’M SORRY, MOM AND DAD! I’M SORRY I DIDN’T WRITE THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN!

Anywho, check out Eli’s SNL promos after the jump.

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He asked Domino’s if he could keep the ball, but they said “no”. The best part is either the terrified lady to his left who can’t enjoy what’s happened even after it’s done, or the slow reveal of the guy behind him with his fingers in his ears. (via Yardbarker)

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