"Now let's go get a f*cking shame snack."

Tied at 5-3 heading into last night’s game, the New York Jets and the New England Patriots were both playing must-win football. The Jets needed to win to avenge their Week 5 loss to the Pats and get a leg up in the AFC East standings. The Pats needed to win to basically bury the Jets’ hopes, take the lead in the standings and essentially coast into the easiest 7-game stretch that any team will face for the rest of this season.

So what happened? The Pats spanked the Jets to the tune of 37-16 – and it was much worse than that score even indicates – and Rex Ryan found himself once again making excuses for empty promises and worthless guarantees. To be fair, his past guarantees have fallen short much later in the season, but this season was predicated with such boisterous claims that the man with pro sports’ most famous foot fetish now finds himself incredibly humbled.

“It looks doubtful right now,” Rex Ryan said when asked if his team still had a sliver of hope to win their division after a 37-16 loss to the Patriots. “What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe I should guarantee that we’re out of it — the last time I did that, we made the playoffs.”

(Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

To recap – Ryan, as he had done the two seasons before, guaranteed that his team would win the Super Bowl. And that’s fine, because he’s a brash head coach for a team that plays on the biggest stage in the game each week, so he should be confident. But he also claimed that Mark Sanchez, who also promised that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this year, was elite and just below Tom Brady and Payton Manning in terms of talent. You know, in the same company as Aaron Rodger and Drew Brees.

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"Haha, I'm the best."

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan thinks that this year’s team is the one that’s going to win it all. Sure, he felt good about last year’s team and the team before that, because he said those teams were going to win Super Bowls. But as much as we make fun of that feet-loving King Hippo clone, he’s supposed to dish hyperbole. And his latest plate is loaded with love for his QB, Mark Sanchez, whom Ryan says is an elite QB.

Despite putting up regular season numbers that rival Chad Henne, Sanchez is the Jets’ all-time postseason leader in wins (4) and he’s tied with Len Dawson, Jake Delhomme, Joe Flacco, and Roger Staubach for most postseason victories on the road. And as CBS Sports points out, only Sanchez and Ben Roethlisberger have taken their squads to the AFC championship game in their first two seasons as QB. Of course, Roethlisberger has a different record in those games, but Ryan doesn’t care about that.

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smdh

Sports

Santiago Casilla And The Worst Plate Appearance In Baseball History - A guy with no interest in batting gets on base because a pitcher can’t throw three uncontested strikes. He’s standing like two feet from the plate, I’m thinking Billy f**king Marlin could’ve wandered out and made those throws. [SBN]

Ndamukong Suh Is Still Trying To Decapitate Quarterbacks - I wish my name was 1/50th as cool as Ndamukong Suh’s. My name is “Brandon” because I was born in the 80s. Ten years later 90210 showed up and every kid got the name. I’m going to name my nerdy white child “Ndamukong” to turn the tides. [Smoking Section]

Rex Ryan Photobombs Mark Sanchez’s GQ Photo Shoot - It does look like some pretty good bathin’. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hot Potato Gallery: Iryna Ivanova, MMA Ring Girl And Playboy Playmate - At some point we’re going to have to draw the line in regards to whom we masturbate. Seriously, if you took away this girl’s boobs she’d be the Harry Potter cosplay girl down at Jamba Juice. She’s the type who’d show up on Ricki Lake as the LOOK AT ME NOW lady. But yes, her boobs are giant. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Summerslam 2011 - Enjoy the general positivity of this column, because I came pretty close to doing The Worst And Worst for Raw. I can’t even figure out a way to drag a Best out of Kelly Kelly at this point. [With Leather]

Alex Smith Is Awful - and nine other random thoughts from the NFL this weekend. In a better world, Burnsy’s football stuff would get 150 comments and my dumb wrestling things would be begging for feedback. I mean, moreso than they already are. [With Leather]

Kimbo Slice Hilariously Murders White Nobody - Update: Kimbo also beat Von Kaiser, but he’s having trouble on Piston Honda because he’s seven and can’t get the hang of the “block” mechanics. I would put up a better fight than this guy and I haven’t thrown a real punch since I was 16. [With Leather]

Delonte West Is A Rapper Now - Of course he is. Is he still riding around on a three-wheeled motorcycle? That would be even cooler. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Huzzah! Kate Plus 8 Finally Canceled - Now Kate can lower to her rightful role of being about as famous as Flo from Progressive. I still wish they’d done a show called “Jon Plus Non” about Jon Gosselin wandering around smoking, having to care for no-one. [Warming Glow]

On the Catwalk: The Best of the Algonquin Hotel’s Cat Fashion Show - I tried hard to justify this as sports, but came up short. I can give the thumbs up to a sex doll contest and air guitar, but not cat fashion shows. I’m doing the internet wrong. [UPROXX]

Ken Jeong and Donald Glover Talk Community Season 3 - Brandon talks wanting to watch Community Season 3 right now. It’s been off long enough for me to start thinking it’s not as good as it actually is. Come back quickly before I start having stupid opinions! [Ask Men]

The Worst People On Facebook (And Possibly The Planet) - Hoooooly sh*t. It starts off bad and gets so, so much worse. I thought I knew some messed up people. Way to ruin “boom, roasted” for everyone, jerks. [College Humor]

“My new tat means, believe in yourself, which I got no problem doing.”

That’s the explanation for New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan’s brand-new calf tattoo provided in a Facebook video. The comments on the video ask all kinds of questions, like “is this your first tattoo” and “REALLY? LOL” and some bickering about who is and isn’t a Jets fan (on a Jets video on a Jets Facebook page), but nobody has posted the most important follow-up question: HOW does this mean “believe in yourself”?

And I don’t want that to sound dismissive, because I have multiple tattoos and understand how ink can feel like an inseparable part of your body and mean something intensely personal, but I want to know what tribal doctrine Ryan was referencing when he decided to get Rainbow Road from Super Mario Kart on his leg. How does this mean “believe in yourself”, Rex? Because when you walked into the tattoo parlor they had this on the wall with “believe in yourself” under it? Did you sit down in the chair blind and tell the artist you want something that means “believe in yourself”? That doesn’t f**king mean anything. I have a tattoo of Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web on my arm because it is my favorite book and helped shape me as an ethical person, and because my late Grandmother used to read it to me when I was little. I didn’t get it because it means “spread your wings and fly”. It also doesn’t mean “you deserve to be a champion”.

Honestly, I guess if anybody would take “believe in yourself” to mean something personally significant it’d be someone like Rex Ryan. Maybe he can get the outline of a butterfly with a tiger’s face inside that means “hope”. Here’s some kanji that says “love, destiny” but it also means “come on, you can do it”.

Sports

Carlos Beltran To The Giants - Hopefully by “Giants” they mean “Cleveland Indians”. Jason Fry (as always) said it best, via his Twitter: “Watching Beltran’s final #Mets AB. Hope #sfgiants fans appreciate him more than WFAN morons did. Those of us with a clue will miss him”. [Yardbarker]

Camp Ryan is Back in Business - It’s sort of like a Dugout, but about football and they get to curse as much as they want. Okay, so it’s not really about football. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Submission Namesakes: Five Fighters And The Holds That Bear Their Name - Is the LeBell Lock on this list? What about the Scorpion Deathlock? Urgh, I need to learn more about MMA. [Cage Potato]

If Brett Favre Doesn’t Return, The NFL Shouldn’t Bother To Come Back At All - The best thing about Brett Favre since Michael Vick thought “Brett Farve” should come to Philadelphia and be his back-up. I’ll take it one step further — if Dan Marino doesn’t come out of retirement and give me a football player to like, the NFL should fold completely. [SBN]

With Leather

Poor Little Guys: The Seattle Mariners Losing Streak As Told By Sad Dogs - I’d like to think we single-handedly willed them back into baseball existence. If you haven’t check this out since yesterday, we added an extra dog to reflect Wednesday’s game. [With Leather]

The Dugout by Charles Bukowski - The second in our Celebrity Guest Writers series tackles the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and was written before they no-hit the Indians. Today’s Dugout is just a picture of me scowling with the words F**K YOU ANGELS underneath in scrolling letters. [The Dugout]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/25 - It’s Thursday and the comments are still surging, discussing whether CM Punk’s return to the show was “rushed” or just part of the plan. Be sure to check out the comments to these things, because (at least right now) it’s the most sane, peaceful collection of wrestling fans ever. And so many of them think John Cena is gay, I don’t know. [With Leather]

Pine Tree Loses Its Nuts - Want to watch a bear convince a kid he should be a bad sport and kick a tree in the balls? Of course you do. Watch this video. [With Leather]

Not Sports

The Whitest White People Movie In History - New Year’s Eve is the sequel (basically) to Valentine’s Day and features your 60 least favorite white actors and Ludacris. Ludacris is the new Ice Cube, and should give up rapping and just be the wacky uncle on somebody’s terrible sitcom. Can’t turn a ho into a housewife! Hoes don’t act right! [Film Drunk]

Funny, Sexy and Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - I legitimately don’t care about cosplaying women, I’m sharing this because of the people that dressed up like Ice Climbers. Extra points if they have a polar bear wearing sunglasses. [Gamma Squad]

Jon Stewart Turns on President Obama - And I’m not just linking this because he mentions our WONDERFUL FREE FANTASY BASEBALL WITH DRAFTSTREET in the first paragraph. At this point Obama needs to just say “welp” and turn over the country to literally anyone else. You seem like a nice guy, but sh** or get off the pot for God’s sake. [UPROXX]

Summers Eve “Hail To The V” - I don’t want to type “smdh” every day, but I am shaking my damn head so hard at how even our douche commercials have to be irreverent. They’re DOUCHE COMMERCIALS. Not everything has to be the f**king Old Spice Guy. [Smoking Section]

You know those genderphobic Time Warner Cable commercials where Mike O’Malley switches off the football game, and his friends suddenly have emotional crises about having only “shells of dreams”?

Real life is turning into that.

Feast your eyes on Life Without Football #1 — Cleats, a YouTube video starring the original Becky from Roseanne that parodies New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan’s foot fetish videos and may or may not costar Ryan himself. It’s less parody and more of a recreation (and in case you missed the original, you are lucky), still sort of venturing into porno territory, but it ends with her getting hit in the face with a football. Not much else is known about the video and at the time of this mention’s publication it’s only got about 100 views, so I’ll update with more information if Life Without Football #2 features Brett Favre texting pictures of his junk to Aunt Jackie.

It’s funny, Lecy Goranson (the aforementioned O.G. Becky) is almost 40-years old now and I still 1) have a crush on her and 2) can’t picture her saying anything without GAWD, MOTHER bookending it.

[h/t Hugging Harold Reynolds]