Get your “I thought he already announced his retirement, when he decided to play MLS” jokes ready. David Beckham has retired.

The 38-year-old Beckham, who recently won a league title in a fourth country with Paris Saint-Germain, said Thursday he will retire at the end of the season.

“I’m thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level,” the former England captain said in a statement.

“If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy,” Beckham said. “I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.” (via Sports Illustrated)

David Beckham has given us YEARS of fun at With Leather, whether he’s trying to sue tabloids for saying he railed prostitutes, making people uncomfortable with his underpants Super Bowl ads, forcing people to accept his children as fashion models or wandering around Los Angeles bulge-first. Becks, we thank you for that. We also wish you the best in your future endeavors, which we can only assume are “being poor” and “not being a famous celebrity.”

With more on David Beckham’s retirement, here’s TMZ. Wait, sorry, here’s actually David Beckham.

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I OFFICIALLY SAY THE “R” WORD

… retarded?

RETIREMENT – THERE I SAID IT

ANTHONY “SPICE” ADAMS – NFL FREE AGENT

And so begins the epic retirement announcement video from nine-year NFL veteran a defensive tackle Anthony Adams. If every pro athlete retired like this, the world would be a happier place. Highlights include an announcement dinner at a White Castle, an incredible shirt that links exercise to bacon, and that adorable little girl being interviewed. Oh, and a well-timed job application.

If you only watch one video of an ex-football player being depressed in a fast food restaurant today, make it this one.

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This is Andy Roddick’s on-court interview after his final career match, and it’s moving, except for the part where he’s sad about anything ever. His speech should’ve been, “okay, tennis is over, BYEEEE” and him running off the court with his shorts around his ankles. (via OnTheGoTennis)

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Rob Lowe has broken the news that Peyton Manning will not return to the NFL. Yes, Peyton Manning is retiring. Yes, Rob Lowe broke the story. Chris Traeger from ‘Parks and Recreation’. Sodapop from The Outsiders. The guy who pioneered sex tapes and sit-humped Demi Moore in a bathtub in 1986. God only knows if it’ll turn out to be true, but here you go, straight from his herb belt:

If it turns out to be true, it will be the NFL’s biggest story of the year, broken in the most ridiculous way by the most random person in history on a day when 80% of the Internet is blacked out and taking off. Colts fans should refrain from throwing themselves from bridges and just sorta be happy they lost that week 17 game to the Jaguars. Andy Dwyer should start getting really excited. I don’t know, how are you supposed to react to Rob Lowe destroying the sports world with an inside scoop?

Well, you could do this:

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Minnesota Vikings quarterback (and noted old guy that knows how to use a cell phone…allegedly) Brett Favre announced that he’ll be retiring now that his 20th NFL season is in the books, and he really means it this time! Favre’s 2010 season was among his most disappointing: after throwing a career-low 11 touchdown passes this season, he suffered a concussion in Week 15 and sat out his team’s last two games, including last week’s tilt against Detroit.

“I know it’s time, and that’s OK. It is,” Favre said after the 20-13 loss. “Again, I hold no regrets, and I can’t think of too many players offhand that can walk away and say that. Individually and from a team standpoint, it was way more than I ever dreamed of.”

“I don’t know for me if it’s ever easy,” Favre said. “I’m sure throughout this year, the comment has been made that, ‘We’ll wait and see in August or September’ and that’s fine. It’s time. I’m OK with it.”

–Y! Sports.

I’ll always believe that Favre thought he could wander into the Vikings locker room and simply pull another great season out of his ass like he did the year before, but Favre and the team never found their rhythm, and their season could not have been symbolized better than the collapse of the Metrodome last month. But I really think he’s done now; he was no longer a kid having fun out there. And that’s good, because most of us are ready to stop talking about him. He’s like that friend that comes over to your house unannounced on a Tuesday and you’re like Dude, it’s 12:30, I have to go to bed already. This is why I live in one of those mobile storage units. Who’d want to visit me there?

Crap, I mean he retired again. Damn, when am I ever gonna get that right?

“It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” Favre told ESPN. “I didn’t feel like physically I could play at a level that was acceptable. I would like to thank everyone, including the Packers, Jets and Vikings—but, most importantly, the fans.”[...]

“It was a rare and unique opportunity to consider adding not only a future Hall of Fame quarterback but one that is very familiar with our system and division,” Childress said in a prepared statement. “That does not detract from the team that we have.” via.

Oh sure, because you could totally get to the NFC Championship game with Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosencopter. But I can’t believe that this means our long national nightmare is over. Favre, despite his egotism and shoddy offseason work ethic, still could start for half the teams in the league right now. But still, is cajoling Favre out of retirement a more attractive option to your team than signing Michael Vick. I’d have to say he is, if only because he won’t have to sit out the first five games of the season. Here’s hoping Favre falls down a few flights of stairs in the next week or so just to seal the deal. You know, just enough to keep him out of action for six months or so. But if he actually does die, well, who am I to argue with fate?