Get your “I thought he already announced his retirement, when he decided to play MLS” jokes ready. David Beckham has retired.

The 38-year-old Beckham, who recently won a league title in a fourth country with Paris Saint-Germain, said Thursday he will retire at the end of the season.

“I’m thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level,” the former England captain said in a statement.

“If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy,” Beckham said. “I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.” (via Sports Illustrated)

David Beckham has given us YEARS of fun at With Leather, whether he’s trying to sue tabloids for saying he railed prostitutes, making people uncomfortable with his underpants Super Bowl ads, forcing people to accept his children as fashion models or wandering around Los Angeles bulge-first. Becks, we thank you for that. We also wish you the best in your future endeavors, which we can only assume are “being poor” and “not being a famous celebrity.”

With more on David Beckham’s retirement, here’s TMZ. Wait, sorry, here’s actually David Beckham.

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Rob Lowe has broken the news that Peyton Manning will not return to the NFL. Yes, Peyton Manning is retiring. Yes, Rob Lowe broke the story. Chris Traeger from ‘Parks and Recreation’. Sodapop from The Outsiders. The guy who pioneered sex tapes and sit-humped Demi Moore in a bathtub in 1986. God only knows if it’ll turn out to be true, but here you go, straight from his herb belt:

If it turns out to be true, it will be the NFL’s biggest story of the year, broken in the most ridiculous way by the most random person in history on a day when 80% of the Internet is blacked out and taking off. Colts fans should refrain from throwing themselves from bridges and just sorta be happy they lost that week 17 game to the Jaguars. Andy Dwyer should start getting really excited. I don’t know, how are you supposed to react to Rob Lowe destroying the sports world with an inside scoop?

Well, you could do this:

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On Friday, the St. Louis Cardinals finished one of the most improbable World Series champion runs in Major League Baseball history as they defeated the Texas Rangers 6-2 in Game 7 in front of a record crowd at Busch Stadium. And less than 24 hours after the team’s victory parade, manager Tony LaRussa has announced that he will retire.

“Tony leaves behind a legacy of success that will always be rememered as one of the most successful eras in Cardinals history,” chairman Bill DeWitt Jr. said at the announcement. “I knew this day would come. I just hoped that it wouldn’t.”

(Via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

A friend emailed me this morning to ask if I knew what the Cardinals’ press conference was going to be about, and I, like most, assumed it was to announce that the team had picked up Yadier Molina’s option, even though that would be silly to announce when it’s plain as day. This makes a lot more sense, despite the fact that I’m in total “Aw, schucks” mode right now.

LaRussa was the definition of polarizing – Cardinals fans loved him and opposing fans hated him. But Cardinals fans also loved to hate him, and I think he loved making everyone want to rip their hair out in frustration. He retires with the third most wins as a manager in MLB history, and if he had stayed another season he would have undoubtedly passed John McGraw for second. Instead, he’ll settle for his three World Series rings and knowing that he gets the last laugh.

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Former Tennessee Titans wide receiver Randy Moss announced via his agent yesterday that after 13 seasons he has retired from the NFL. Or you could perhaps say that no teams wanted to bother with the 34-year old pain in the ass anymore. Either way, one of the most exciting, explosive, and maddeningly arrogant athletes to ever play pro football is done.

Now the poets of the printed word can spend the next few months celebrating or denigrating the man who once gloriously disgusted Joe Buck. Peter King called him a first ballot Hall-of-Famer while Michael Rosenberg asks the standard questions. Mike Florio gave Moss the clap. I mean, 10 claps. And you can be sure that the rest of the cliche clan will be close behind.

Too bad it’s all premature.

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Manny Ramirez is retiring. I guess that’s what six losing games with Kyle Farnsworth will do to you. Major League Baseball announced the move in a statement on Friday.

“Major League Baseball recently notified Manny Ramirez of an issue under Major League Baseball’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program,” the statement said. “Rather than continue with the process under the Program, Ramirez has informed MLB that he is retiring as an active player. If Ramirez seeks reinstatement in the future, the process under the Drug Program will be completed. MLB will not have any further comment on this matter.”

Manny leaves behind a legacy of being one of the best hitters and most insane, illogical human beings of his generation. Two World Series championships in Boston are matched by how he used to disappear into the Green Monster to pee. Twelve All-Star selections, and that time he caught a ball, ran up the outfield wall and high-fived a guy. 555 home runs and over 1,800 runs batted in. Dreadlocks wigs, shifty motivation and pronouncing “Boston Red Sox” as “boson red sogs” in his intro video to MVP Baseball.

Ramirez has been one of the most memorable characters in The Dugout since its inception, running around and making airplang noises and playing spies, and if my inability to let go of Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds is any indication, Manny will be being Manny well into the future. We at With Leather wish him the best in his future endeavors, which I guess are sitting around in his underwear and watching cartoons.

Jerry Sloan resigned his position as head coach of the Utah Jazz after 23 seasons and 1,221 wins, Thursday. The resignation comes amidst rumors that Sloan’s relationship with star point guard, Deron Williams, was in shambles. And while it’s upsetting to see such a loving relationship end so close to Valentine’s Day, I can see why Deron was growing impatient with his coach. Have you seen Sloan’s thighs lately? They look like curdled cottage cheese.

“I had a feeling this time was the time to move on,” an emotional Sloan said during a Thursday afternoon news conference. “[That's] a long time to be in one organization. Again, I’ve been blessed. Today is a new day. When I get this over with, I’ll feel better. My time is up and it’s time to move on.”

Two sources close to the situation told ESPN.com’s Marc Stein that Sloan reacted angrily during the home loss when guard Deron Williams called a play on the floor that was different from the one Sloan called from the sideline.

But one source stressed that the play-calling flap was just one incident among a number of flare-ups in recent weeks, indicating Sloan’s relationship with Williams has been deteriorating. –ESPN.com

Sloan, who became the Jazz’s head coach before the Berlin Wall came down, was the NBA’s longest tenured coach before his resignation. With 1,221 wins, Sloan will retire as the third winningest coach in NBA history, trailing Don Nelson and Lenny Wilkens. Between them, the three coaches have 3,888 wins and one NBA Title, which goes to show just how important the NBA regular season really is.