Since it’s Election Day, all sorts of businesses that have nothing to do with politics or the election are making half-assed grabs for attention by doing something vaguely election-related.  Take, for example, the blog post you’re reading, or the poll conducted by Gold’s Gym that asked participants which candidate would make a better workout partner. The shocking results, in press release form:

Determined to “weigh in” on a potentially neglected campaign issue, national fitness leader Gold’s Gym conducted a nationwide poll of more than 3,000 gym-goers to determine which of the two candidates
would make the better workout partner… Delivering a landslide victory, Obama captured 70% of the vote to defeat Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain (27%).

Wow.  Truly shocking.  Shocking that 27% of people would rather work out with a septuagenarian whose body was broken so horrifically during Vietnam that he can’t raise his arms above his head.  That’s a way better workout partner than someone a quarter-century younger who stays fit by playing basketball.

But no, great job, Gold’s Gym.  You’ve really gotten to the essence of what this election is all about.  I’m going to write in my vote for Richard Simmons!

This kid had a surfboard.  On the roof. 

Now, to me, that sounds like a recipe for success.  All sorts of things could go right.  Roofs are just made for surfing.  You catch big wave of shingles and you can ride all day.  Just you and the house, man.  Brings you closer to God.

Shockingly, none of that happens in this video.  And the clip’s closing event… **kisses fingers** Magnifique!  Gravity’s best punchline in ages.

Girls Next Door “babe” Kendra Wilkinson is widely rumored to be leaving Hugh Hefner’s slut stable, and now she’s rumored to be dating Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett.

Wilkinson is, on the show at least, one of Hugh Hefner’s live-in girlfriends. We’re told that Wilkinson, 23, and Baskett, 26, recently dined together at Redstone (500 Rt. 73 S.) in Marlton.

She lists “HB3″ as one of her heroes on her MySpace page, and Baskett’s page, which is private, says “HB3 in LOOOOOVVVVEEEE!!!!” An Eagles spokesman contacted Baskett for comment and got back to us saying he had not heard from the receiver.

I dunno.  I’m not sure if this is enough proof for me.  HB3 could be anyone, really.  Maybe she just really likes hairy balls. We can’t rule it out.  Kendra is functionally retarded.  And she looks less and less lifelike every week.  But still, you have to admit, for a fake-looking retard, that’s some damn fine fake retard ass.

UPDATE: Make that engaged retard ass.

The Lions, predictably enough, have started the season 0-2 with a pair of embarrassing losses. President and GM and Matt Millen, who has long been the NFL poster boy for incompetence (the Lions are 31-83 with him at the helm), is now ratcheting up the blatantly obvious buffoonery by ripping off the Bush Administration’s anti-logic:

“Stay the course,” Millen said. “It’s a little bump. … It’s not like you have to panic. You don’t have to make wholesale changes. You don’t have to do all that stuff. It’s all right there.” [...]

“I think the people who came out (to training camp), they like what they see because they see discipline. They see the approach is right. They’re practicing right. All the little things.”

What about the fan who says, ‘That’s practice, but these are games’?

“Well, if a fan says that, then they don’t understand the game of football, because it can’t happen on the field if it doesn’t happen here,” Millen said.

Yes!  Yes, that’s it!  It’s not that the Lions are bad, it’s that the fans don’t understand progress.  Those idiots think that “results” in “games” are what matters.  What a bunch of jackasses.  Matt Millen’s talking about practice.  Not a game.  Practice.

[FanHaus]

You know that Family Guy scene where Peter trips and hurts his knee? This is kind of like like that, if Peter had been a dumb kid standing on a skateboard perched on a rail, and after he fell the skateboard hit him in the head, and then his friends stood around and asked him if he was all right. In other words, it’s way way way better.

To be honest, I’m a little worried that this may be the best thing I’ll see all day, which is saying a lot because there are not one but two NFL games on tonight. Wait, what’s that? My penis is saying I should go to the strip club? Hmmmm. You know, there’s a reason he makes the big bucks.

A lot of contrarian dipshits like to make the case for steroids in sports, saying things like “Well, it’s not cheating if everybody can do it” and “What about cortisone shots? Those are steroids.” These people need to take a good look at the case of this 21-year-old German man who frequently used anabolic steroids. Wired says:

He was a constant user of anabolic-androgenic steroids, of which acne is a side effect — as is damaged sperm and shrunken testicles, both of which he also possessed.

Doctors ordered the patient to quit steroids and start taking antibiotics. Two months later, the acne was gone. So was the muscle. Only gruesome scarring remained — and as his doctors wrote… that “is likely to remain with the young man for the rest of his life.”

You’ll notice that the image here has Photo A and Photo C. Photo B was actually too disgusting for me to publish on this blog. And that’s saying a lot, because I’ve published photos of Eva Longoria without makeup before. I’m serious, it’s nasty. It looks like a massive shrapnel wound, or your mom’s vag.