Speculation has been running rampant on sites where “Lindsay Lohan has gross teeth” is news for weeks, and it’s about to become official: Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are divorcing. If you just screamed “GET OUT” and shoved your computer with both hands, you are awesome.

From The Scoop:

TMZ is reporting that Kim K is expected to file for divorce Monday from her husband, and she’ll cite the cause as “irreconcilable differences,” and list the day of separation as Oct. 31, 2011. Also, Ryan Seacrest offered up a tweet confirming the news, saying Kardashian is filing for divorce.

The trouble-in-paradise rumor mill has been churning overtime on this one, and the couple’s decision to spend Halloween apart seemed to be a final nail in the coffin.

I’m pretty mad about the Halloween thing myself, as Kim was dressed as the Batman & Robin version of Poison Ivy but Kris as the COOL PAHTY Arnold Schwarzenegger variant of Mr. Freeze was nowhere to be found.

I think we should look back on the two-ish months of Kardashian-Humphries-Kardashian wedded bliss and consider our lessons learned. The first lesson is that no matter how reprehensible these people seem, no matter how little they deserve to be famous, they are real, living people who deserve the same respect and privacy as you and me. Lesson two is that the E! Network is faker than pro wrestling, and that everyone on it more human than Lou the Chihuahua should be followed around by the “YOU’RE A BIG FAT PHONY” character from ‘Family Guy’ at all times. Lesson three, Kim Kardashian earned $17.9 million to marry a guy, turn it into a series of cable television specials and divorce him 72 days later but it is gay men and women in love who are ruining the sanctity of marriage. Lesson four, the NBA Lockout has gone on long enough for one of its players to get married and divorced. Lesson five, Kim and Reggie Bush are this century’s Romeo and Juliet, except they end up together and everyone around them dies.

Next season on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, Kim gets introduced to Tim Tebow and the sparks fly.

As we grow more impatient and tiresome of this NBA lockout, I’m going to offer a promise – no more stories about Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian after today. I will not bring up the fact that Kris Jenners, Humphries’ new manager, is trying to make her three daughters all get pregnant at the same time. But I do say “after today” because I can’t not bring up the low-flying tabloid story about Humphries’ in-flight encounter last Sunday.

In a story that has to be complete fiction but somehow apparently isn’t, Humphries was flying from Los Angeles to New Orleans and seated right next to him in first class was none other than Ray J. For those of you lucky enough to have been in a coma for the past 5 years, Ray J is better known as Brandy’s rapping brother and the guy who made a sex tape with Humphries’ new wife.

Awk. Ward.

After minutes of “awkward silence,” Ray J walked up to Humphries’ seat to congratulate him, but Kris acted like he didn’t recognize him. According to a source, “Ray J said, ‘Come on, you know who I am. I just want to say congratulations.’ Then Kris, realizing he was cornered, said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, I’m sorry I know who you are.’ ” (Via the New York Post)

Ray J also allegedly texted Kim on her wedding day: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this.” Now he has the balls to walk up to Humphries and say, “You know who I am?” How the hell are these guys even on the same flight? There are coincidences and then there are nightmares. I’ve attended an ex-girlfriend’s wedding before. That’s pretty awkward. This doesn’t even have a proper word.

But if it’s being reported that it happened, I want to at least address it in a new feature… We Like to Think It Happened Like This.

Trust me, I wanted to use that screen cap of her and McNulty from “The Wire”, but there are certain things I’m not allowed to do on this website. Uh, yet.

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Reggie Bush isn’t having a great year. He promised to give back his tainted Heisman Trophy and tried to hide it at his Dad’s house, got shipped off to the Miami Dolphins and found out his famous ex-girlfriend is engaged to be married to New Jersey Net. According to inside sources, Reggie believes he can positively effect one of those situations. Guess which one!

From MSN News, which is a little like TMZ, only without CAPITAL LETTERS adding words like MANGLED and BRUTAL to stories to make them sound worse:

An insider said: ‘He’s been sending text messages to Kim and leaving her voicemails, telling her she’s making a mistake and that he’s the one for her. In the past, Kim was friendly to Reggie, but now she’s stopped responding.’

Reggie is said to have been begging Kim to call off her impending nuptials, but the ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ star is ‘burned’ by the way their romance ended.

The source added to Life & Style magazine: ‘He was begging her to call off the wedding and give him another chance. She was burned by the end of their relationship, and she’s truly moved on.’

“An insider” could be Kourtney Kardashian, or it could be some guy who works at MSN News and needed a story for the afternoon, so take this crucially important information with a grain of salt. Hopefully Reggie won’t end up like poor Pau Gasol, mourning the loss of his One True Love and somehow making Dolphins football worse.

Worst case scenario is that this is all a work, and Reggie shows up with camera crews filming him text on next week’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Best case scenario, Reggie pounds the windows at the Kris Humphries wedding and he and Kim rush out into the street and flag down a bus.

You may not be able to tell, but that image above is Photoshopped. Obviously Sidney Rice wasn’t wearing his Minnesota Vikings uniform when the Seattle Seahawks delivered his gigantic bag of cash yesterday, but we like to imagine that it was pretty similar. Rice, who missed most of last season after he delayed hip surgery stemming from an injury he sustained during the 2009-10 playoffs until a month before the season began, signed a 5-year deal with Seattle worth $44 million. $18.5 million of that money is guaranteed for the 24-year old receiver with one 1,000-yard season.

Welcome back, NFL. My how we’ve missed your economics.

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Last September, Reggie Bush admirably forfeited the Heisman Trophy he won in 2005 after an NCAA investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits in college. You know, like everyone else who has ever played football in college. “I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005,” he said. “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting.” Well, apparently by “forfeit my title” he didn’t mean “forfeit my trophy,” because it’s been nine months and the statue still hasn’t found its way back to the Heisman Trophy Trust. Whoops!

According to The Dan Patrick Show (your #1 source for DP), the trophy disappeared shortly after Bush publicly acknowledged that he was returning it, and after the Heisman Trophy Trust had publicly thanked him.

We called Bush’s agent for comment about the status of the trophy, but received no response. We did find out where Bush’s trophy was last September, just before the Heisman Trust asked for it back.

According to a person in management at the San Diego Hall of Champions, the Heisman Trophy was displayed there until just after the Heisman Trust’s decision to strip Bush of the trophy. “Reggie Bush’s dad came in right after and took it. That’s the last we saw of it.”

So… Reggie’s dad stole the Heisman? Is this the beginning of an MTV Film?

The source at the Heisman Trophy Trust told us that there was no specific agreement with Reggie Bush to return the trophy, but that it was “alluded to in Reggie’s statement and the whole world reasonably expected him to return it.”

The Heisman Trust source added that they had been in touch with Bush’s agent “more than once” about the status of returning the trophy. Also, Bush would not even have to pay for shipping. The Heisman Trust would send him a case for the Heisman Trophy, with shipping paid for.

Anybody who saw the stand-up comedy portion of “Community” star Donald Glover’s IAMDONALD tour knows Reggie Bush has a history of stealing. I guess Reggie believes what a lot of people believe: that if you borrow something from somebody and they don’t remind you to give it back, you get to keep it forever. That works for promises, too. If you promise something, just don’t do it long enough, and maybe the person you promised will forget.

Of course, trophy or no trophy, Reggie is no longer acknowledged as a Heisman winner. He’s just Leslie Knope, fishing the Dorothy Everton Smythe Award out of the trash and sneaking it into her office.