"Hey girl, you should probably clean and skin that fish soon, otherwise you're going to attract birds."

While Spring Break may be over, the core values of America’s greatest month-long holiday still exist in YouTube video form. Now, I’m not sure if this is a Spring Break video, per se, since one half of the equation involves my dad’s old flea market buddies, but for the sake of themes and consistency, let’s just assume that it is, since I don’t actually know anything about this video.

Brothers Clete and Roscoe Taterbeans were out huntin’ “Florida Salmon”, AKA fresh river catfish, the other day when they happened upon some college boy city slickers who done lost they way with a broken boat engine. “Y’all stuck?” Clete asked as Roscoe bit the head off his latest catch. Trevor and Carter were nervous about their new acquaintances, but they were also stuck in the middle of a 40-foot deep river, so they didn’t have much of a choice. Plus, as the co-social chairs of Beta Theta Pi, haha, they’ve handled their fair share of strange characters.

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The banner GIF image has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this post or sports in general, obviously, but since I couldn’t lift a cheek today without hearing someone complain about the Academy Awards or The Onion or Seth MacFarlane or IKEA or basically everything else on this planet, I thought I’d join in on the Internet’s general Jennifer Lawrence worship.

She seems pretty cool, and she’s obviously a free-wheeling, don’t-answer-to-nobody type. People have also told me that she’s attractive, not that I’ve ever noticed. I guess if you toss all of those attributes into a blender and mix them up, she’s basically a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I think everyone will agree with me on that.

Anyway, I think it would be fun if Jennifer Lawrence attended more sporting events so I can write about her as much as my cooler UPROXX bros get to, and I think it might go something like this…

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Stock NASCAR photo.

Greg Biffle hadn’t won a Sprint Cup race in almost two years before he overtook everyone’s least favorite NASCAR driver, Jimmie Johnson, to win the Samsung Mobile 500 yesterday in Ft. Worth, Texas. But in even better news, With Leather’s official favorite driver, Ricky Stenhouse Jr., took his place in Victory Lane on Friday night after he won the Nationwide Series O’Reilly Auto Parts 300. Because we can, we take full credit for his victory.

Even better than all of that wonderful NASCAR news, though, is that self-proclaimed “TV news producer, writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs” Jenny Johnson Tweeted her experience at the Samsung Mobile 500 from the moment she started driving to Ft. Worth, and the result was pretty funny. That is, if you have a good sense of humor about NASCAR.

I don’t know anything about Johnson, other than pretty much every girl I know follows her on Twitter and they all think she’s a riot. However, I’m sure if you’re a NASCAR purist you won’t take too kindly to her playing off the stereotypes that everyone who goes to races – especially *clap clap clap* deep in the heart of Texas – is a toothless hillbilly redneck. As a NASCAR fan, though, I still get a kick out of the jokes, so let’s not take ourselves too seriously, y’all.

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What do you do if you’re one of the most popular professional golfers in America and you have $110,000 burning a hole in your pocket? According to Golf.com’s Press Tent, you spend it on the original “Dukes of Hazard” General Lee Dodge Charger, of course. At least that’s what Bubba Watson did over the weekend at a car auction in Scottsdale, Arizona, or as I like to call it – the city that is home to my very racist aunt.

Watson was elated when he made his purchase as he quickly took to Twitter to post a picture of him with his new pride and joy, calling it his “dream car.”

AutoBlog.com also justified Watson’s purchase, declaring it the most famous TV car in the world.

What’s “the most famous television car in the world”? We suppose that depends on who you ask, but to many, nothing but the General Lee could possibly hold the title. Of course, there wasn’t just one General Lee. In fact, scores of orange Dodge Chargers were filmed for “The Dukes of Hazzard,” and most of them never survived their first televised escapade.

And that’s where we’re going to agree to disagree, because I would gladly put KITT and the A*Team van over the General Lee any day. Hell, I’d argue that Becky Belding’s Mazda Miata was more important because it helped bring Jessie Spano together with her stepbrother Eric, but to each his own, I suppose.

There is one little problem that Watson may face down the road, and that’s resale value. This General Lee – the very first actual Charger used in the pilot episode of Dukes – spent most of its life in a junkyard because it was trashed after the first jump. And despite completely restoring it to perfect running order, the original owner was expecting almost a half million dollars for his effort.

But hey, if it makes Watson happy, then who are we to judge? One little request, though: Watson should make his caddy legally change his name to Cooter. And hire Natalie Gulbis to play Daisy Duke. That would be swell.

On Monday morning, country music legend Hank Williams Jr. (a man who, as The Daily Show With Jon Stewart pointed out, once fell off a mountain and cracked open his skull so badly he had to hold in his own brain) evoked Godwin’s Law and used the phrase “it’d be like Hitler” to start a sentence about President Barack Obama. This prompted ESPN to pull the singer’s classic “Are You Ready For Some Football?” theme from Monday Night Football, and as of this morning the Worldwide Leader In Football Preparedness decided to pull the song forever. Forever!

“We have decided to part ways with Hank Williams, Jr. We appreciate his contributions over the past years. The success of Monday Night Football has always been about the games and that will continue.”

Hanks response to the firing was the only thing you can write on the Internet more “Internet” than “blank is like Hitler”:

“After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision. By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.” — Hank Williams Jr

He managed to hit all the best message-boards-and-comments-sections points, like

1. I am extremely popular and get hundreds of e-mails about everything.
2. I’m the only person who makes decisions.
3. I didn’t get fired, I quit
4. Anything that happens to me for saying something stupid is a violation of the First Amendment, also known as “I thought this was America”.
5. I am humble and appreciative despite all the weird mean things I’ve just said.
6. Signing his name to the end of a paragraph identified as being from him, posted on HankJr.com.

The only thing that would’ve made it better is if he’d admitted he was in the wrong a few days before. Wait, whoops!

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Trust me, I wanted to use that screen cap of her and McNulty from “The Wire”, but there are certain things I’m not allowed to do on this website. Uh, yet.

Sports

Terrell Owens Joins USA’s Necessary Roughness - I can’t wait to hear “NFL great Terrell Owens guest stars on an all new Necessary Roughness! USA, characters welcome!” between two Twix commercials during every single break on Monday Night Raw. [AOL TV]

Fantasy Football Goes Hollywood: The KSK Sex/Fantasy Mailbag - HONESTY: “I’m glad we’re exclusive, because you’re the only person I want to be with.” DISCLOSURE: “Now that we’re exclusive, here is a list detailing which of my friends have ejaculated in my mouth.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

MMA Movie Alert: Think The Karate Kid But With An Autistic Cage Fighter - Honestly, that’s sorta how I think about The Karate Kid already. Remember in the 80s when there were suddenly 15 movies about pro wrestling, and none of them got any better than No Holds Barred? Yep, that’s what we’re doing again. [Cage Potato]

Epic ACW Queen of Queens Tournament 2011 Pics By Bowie Ibarra - Included here for three reasons: (1) Bowie is a cool guy, so I want to throw him some love, (2) I love my Anarchy Championship Wrestling dearly, and (3) I make a cameo appearance, and yes, it is part of my continuing efforts to make Portia Perez like me. [Zombie Blood Fights]

With Leather

Redneck Olympics Vs. The U.S. Olympic Committee - I’m going to be honest, that trashy girl on the left probably #cangetit. I have weird standards where my girlfriend is sophisticated and gorgeous, but inner 14-year old me thinks these hillbilly girls and their 3-year window of hotness before they turn into toothless, tattooed monsters makes them desirable. Stupid rural upbringing. [With Leather]

Reggie Bush Is Pretty Sad About Losing Everything - I’m not sure what I’d say in even one text message to Kim Kardashian. “Hey, I’ve seen your show, I don’t like it. Your butt is big, write me back.” Okay, so I know exactly what I’d say. [With Leather]

@Storytime: Pat Hanlon Loses His Goddamn Mind - Don’t sleep on this edition of @Storytime, wherein a grown adult man retweets everyone in the world and adds “kiss my ass, butthole!” before it. Update: It is Friday, and the sun is still shining. But I’m in Texas, so I don’t know what’s going on over there. [With Leather]

The Chickbusters In Hipster Glasses - It’s a link to yesterday’s morning links, sure, but that picture of Kaitlyn in wayfarers is going to stay with me for weeks. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Deal With It GIFs: Pop Culture Edition - Deal With It GIFs are the best way to end a conversation, because they go in one ear and out the other like you posted blank space. Additionally, why do we live in a world where animated pictures are important to conversations? [UPROXX]

Flowmotion: 33 Rapid Fire Rap Songs - “Now we know y’all be lovin’ this … right here, L-I-M-P, Bizkit is right here. People in the house put them hands in the air, cause if you don’t care, then we don’t care!” – author unknown |Smoking Section|

15 Scariest Photos of Steven Tyler - Also acceptable, “all photos of Steven Tyler”. Why can’t we do the 15 best pictures of Liv Tyler, or better still, Mia? [Unreality]

Woman Can’t Stop Eating Dead Husband - Headlines that work. [Warming Glow]