Miami Herald FIU football writer David J. Neal posted a rather humorous common sense piece over the weekend regarding two young, naïve Panthers Tweeting about how they took a recruit to a strip club during his visit. Though his Twitter account has since vanished, the Tweets in question originated from sophomore DB Demarkus Perkins, or at least that’s what the handle @DPerk_15 would lead me to believe, despite him wearing No. 14. Kids these days and their crazy Tweeter names.

Basically, Perkins just laid it all out there…

And then he incriminated his teammate Isame Faciane, or @ICEem_down, by talking about something called a “snow bunnie” and I would very much like to know what that is.

Perhaps I can go undercover as a football recruit – my natural physique would suggest third-string place holder – and get these men to take me to a strip club. Alas, that is another stakeout for another day. In the meantime, Neal’s takedown of this inexplicable violation of the NCAA football bro code – “Thou shalt not commit infractions, but if you do, thou shalt not Tweeteth about it” – makes a lot of sense, as he believes that players shouldn’t be this dumb anymore. He also uses the phrase “Twerk Twins” and I would like to know which strip club he has been going to.

Unfortunately, I do not ultimately agree with Mr. Neal’s stance, because we want college football players taking recruits to strip clubs. We NEED them taking recruits to strip clubs. And it’s about time that we truly glorify this act.

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When the mail arrives today, the folks at Yahoo! Sports are probably going to have some nice thank you notes on Ohio State and USC letterheads, because Charles Robinson’s mind-blowing investigation of the University of Miami could possibly go down as the biggest college football scandal in history. Even Southern Methodist alums are probably high-fiving this morning.

Former booster Nevin Shapiro spilled the Cuban black beans on nearly a decade of improprieties that include Hurricanes players and coaches (football and basketball) being paid, lavish house and yacht parties, prostitutes, jewelry, and even bounties for players to cause injuries to opposing athletes like Tim Tebow. Shapiro, in more than 100 hours of taped confessions, even claims to have paid for a stripper’s abortion. Throw in his admittance that his own sports agency, Axcess Sports & Entertainment, was funneling money to college players in exchange for their agreement to sign with them, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a scandal.

But don’t worry, Miami’s officials are taking this all very seriously.

“When Shapiro made his allegations nearly a year ago, he and his attorneys refused to provide any facts to the university,” [Miami associate AD for communications Chris] Freet said. “We notified the NCAA enforcement officials of these allegations. We are fully cooperating with the NCAA and are conducting a joint investigation. We take these matters very seriously.” (Yahoo!)

You bet your darn patootie they take this seriously. They’re likely going to hang a sign around Shapiro’s neck, labeling him a Ponzi scheme-running scoundrel, but that’s not going to alter the public perception of “The U.” What should happen? If the claims are true – and apparently there are 20,000 pages of financial documentation that suggest validity – then it’s the death penalty, even though that doesn’t exist anymore. What will happen? Nobody really knows, but we can guess that it will start with a few years of red-tape-laden legal battles, with the majority of former Miami players, coaches (some of which are now at Alabama and Florida, among other schools), and administrative officials calling Shapiro names, notably a big ol’ poopy pants liar.

Either way, we’ll be entertained. Miami fans won’t, but there are only a few hundred actual Miami Hurricanes fans on this planet, so the convenient fans will just find a new team. Have fun with that, Florida Gators. After the jump, check out the juicier quotes from Robinson’s incredible article.

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School officials at the University of Iowa have filed a report with the NCAA admitting recent wrongdoing in regards to men’s basketball recruiting. Last month, high school recruits were visiting during a football game, and they were introduced to former Iowa basketball greats, Reggie Evans and Dean Oliver. And while that may sound like small potatoes, it only gets worse. Turns out the recruits were led to a private suite at Kinnick Stadium, and awaiting them were the most despicable, deplorable recruiting degenerates in college football history – Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

Fresh off their marriage-on-the-rocks-saved-by-love-for-freaky-deaky-sex-scandal, Ashton and his grandma wife were more than willing to meet with Hawkeyes basketball recruits Josh Oglesby and Marcus Paige at the September 11 game between Iowa and Iowa State. Kutcher attended Iowa with the dreams of becoming a chemical engineer to develop a cure for his brother’s rare heart disease, but he eventually left to pursue a career in professional Tweeting instead.

Turn that trucker hat sideways and punk Wilmer Valderrama, Des Moines Register:

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