NBA – If you wanted a tightly contested, hard-fought game last night, all you had to do was sit through 52 minutes of lop-sided gameplay and poor officiating. The Lakers went on a 31-9 run after being down 24 points with 7:40 remaining in the 4th quarter to cut the Celtics' lead to 2 with about a minute remaining. Paul Pierce then knocked down some free throws and blocked a Sasha Vujacic 3-pointer to complete the tease and ward off the comeback. Aye, the blue balls. Way to save all the efforts for when games are out of hand, Lakers. Or should I call you… PITTSBURGH PENGUINS! (Cue Dramatic Chipmunk music) That strategy did wonders for them in the Stanley Cup Finals, you know. Boston's Lesser-Known Agent Zero, Leon Powe, had 21 points on 6-of-7 shooting and more free throw attempts than the entire Lakers team. Fake-injured Paul Pierce put in 28 to lead a team that shot 53 percent on a porous Laker defense. It should all prove to be quite the koan for Phil Jackson heading into Game 3 in L.A., which should see the biased officiating shockingly take a turn in their favor. Call it a hunch. 

MLB - The Padres, clad in their retarded camo alternate unis, complete a four-game sweep of the Mets thanks to a 3-run homer by Tony Clark off Billy Wagner. How can you pitch to a guy you can't see?…Joe Crede follows up back-to-back two-homer games with, what? Two more hits and two RBIs in the White Sox 12-2 win over the Twins? But no homers? Guess you can count yourself off the highlight tape…  The Rays have turned their focused ball of hate on themselves, with a dugout spat punctuating a 6-3 loss to the Rangers. Having to share headlines with the Red Sox will do that to you.

French Open – Rafael Nadal is tough to beat on clay, now having won his fourth straight French Open, matching Bjorn Borg and every military force ever for success on French soil. Meanwhile, Ana Ivanovic is easy to beat. Off to, that is! (Swish!) She won her first Grand Slam title Saturday. Winning looks good on you, Ana. As does this pearl necklace. You'll like it. It's organic and shit.

MLB – Joba Chamberlain made his highly awaited (by Yankee fan diptards) first start and it turned out to be nothing more than an extended relief appearance, as the animated (read: chest-thumping doucheface) hurler walked four and got his first career balk in 2 1/3 innings of work in a 9-3 loss to the Blue Jays…In other news relating to underperforming New York teams, Pedro Martinez returned to notch his first win of the season, allowing three runs in 6 innings of nothing to do with midgets and cockfighting. Boooo… Randy Johnson passes Roger Clemens to become 2nd on the all-time strikeout list, then cinches up his career loss total, giving up a homer to Ryan Braun en route to his second loss of the season…Erik Bedard continues his torrid campaign of highly compensated mediocrity for the Mariners as Joe Saunders get his AL-leading 9th win in an Angels 5-4 victory.

Women's College World Series – Arizona State beat Texas A&M to claim the national championship in a 11-0 nailbiter. I believe another undie run is in order.

French Open – Birfday boy Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic to meet in the semifinals, then once there, possibly play a match against one another. Ana Ivanovic to meet me in a fantasy rooftop restaurant where the dessert menu all comes served on her tits. Yeah, I need that to be interested in tennis. 

NHL - Petr Sykora guaranteed he was going to score. It just would have been nice if it took him less than four and a half hours to do it. His goal midway through the third overtime extends the Stanley Cup Finals to Game 6 in the 'Burgh. I mean didn't they already play in effect an extra game last night. Can't this go straight to Game 7? And nothing helps an interminable game like the NBC announcers saying repeatedly through each overtime that "the next goal wins the game." Hey, thanks for that trenchant analysis, crotchpheasant. Maxime Talbot staved off elimination for the Pens with a tying goal with 34 seconds left and the Pittsburgh defense performed admirably with Sergei Gonchar sidelined through the first two overtimes. 

MLB – Chase Utley (And what a grand pursuit he must be) homers for the fifth straight game in the 5-4 Phillies win over the Reds, putting him at a league-leading total of 21 and one under his mark through all of last year. Oh yeah, he also made two stout defensive snags, but, hey, those aren't socking dingers, brah. Oh yeah, that bum Jay Bruce also homered, but lowered his average 14 points to .577. What a fraud…Manny Ramirez wishes he could play all his games in Camden Yards, probably because they have more Red Sox fans than anywhere else other than Boston or maybe the China. Also, he's homered there in three straight games, tallying career no. 502 last night in a 6-3 loss to the Orioles…Carlos Zambrano collects three hits to raise his average to .366. Oh yeah, he picks up his 8th win in a 7-6 Cubs win over the Padres. WE ONLY CELEBRATE OFFENSE!…Prince Fielder homers to lift the Brewers over the Diamondbacks and steals third to strike a blow for fatty rights.

French Open – Maria Sharapova makes an early exit. I bet it was still sexy though. 

Oh lordie. The specter of days where the long drag of regular season baseball is the only game in town is becoming all too real. Sure, the Stanley Cup Final is still technically going on (it's over, I know) and the NBA Finals are slated to begin one of these weeks (probably as foregone a conclusion), there's no avoiding the slog of summer to come.

MLB – Jay Bruce is hitting .591 through six games. Jay Bruce will get us out of Iraq and rebuild America's standing on the world stage. Jay Bruce will be the secret Democratic presidential nominee. Jay Bruce impregnates women by just thinking about them while masturbating. Jay Bruce can cure your cancer by hitting you with his bat. It's a time for bold predictions for the Reds rookie, who homered again Sunday in the Reds' 6-2 win over the Braves. Meanwhile, Ken Griffey Jr. is stuck on 599 home runs. Ah, the tension of reaching that big round number. Hopefully he can get there sometime in the Reds' final 105 games this season, or at least within the eight before he gets sidelined for the season.

The Cubs wrap up a perfect 7-0 homestand with a 5-3 win over the Rockies. The Cubs have the best record in baseball on June 1 for the first time since 1908, when they last won something or other. I guess it's decided then: not even God itself could stop the Cubs now. No, no, don't try to prove me wrong, higher power…The Rays and Giants get wins via walkoff homers. That's doesn't mean you can literally walk the basepaths. At least jog, people. It's the least you can do with your whole team waiting at home plate…Manny Ramirez, who often behaves in such an inscrutable manner that his actions can only be compared to other Manny behaviors, homers again a day after notching his 500th career homer. So…high-five? Don't do it to Big Papi. He's got a boo-boo on the wrist.

French Open – Novak Djokovic, Ana Ivanovic and Jelena Jankovic advance. Maybe they can celebrate at Trader Vic's.

NBA – WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [inhales] WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, it's only so often you get to celebrate the ousting of a team as eminently unlikable as the Spurs. Granted, they came into Game 5 in L.A. down 3-1 in the series, but we know this team to be a scrappy, if whiny and charisma-less, bunch. The erstwhile defending champs came out strong, taking a 28-15 lead after the opening quarter, but then Kobe grew tired of filming fake Jackass stunts and got down to the bidness of scoring 39 points, 17 of them in the 4th quarter. Now we're a Boston win away from a never-before-seen Celtics-Lakers Finals. How have they avoided each other for so long? Seriously, though, it'll revive all of Bill Simmons' childhood fantasies, except with more black guys starting for Boston. So, nothing like Bill Simmons' fantasies at all. 

MLB – Hey, the Yankees and the Red Sox didn't play. Must not've been any baseball yesterday, right ESPN? Wait, what's this: Joe Torre make an emotional return to a New York team he hasn't coached for a quarter century. How pregnant with sentiment. Enough so to lose 8-4, but pensively…Albert Pujols puts off administering bodily harm to opposing players to put the hurt on the baseball for the deciding homer in a 3-2 win over the Astros…That hot Royals start, uh, it seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? KC drops its 11th in a row with a 5-1 loss to the Twins. It marks the fourth such time the Royals've done that since the beginning of the 2005 season, which amounts to three more hot flashes of futility than any other team… Those darling first-place Tampa Bay Rays That Were Formerly Associated With The Devil drew a whopping 12,636 fans to see their 5-1 loss to the White Sox. So if Tampa makes the playoffs, can we expect 14 thou? 14,500? And probably only then if tickets are free with a purchase of a cheesesteak Hot Pocket at Publix.

NBA – It's so nice of Ray Allen to be a productive member of The Big Three for once. He put in 29 points capped by a last-minute jumper to hold off a Pistons rally en route to a 106-102 Game 5 win. There being a little more volatility in this series with each team's ability to win on the road, Game 6 is no given for the Pistons back in Detroit. Should be interesting what insulated chamber they use to transport Mr. Glass, Rip Hamilton, who managed to get hurt eighteen different ways last night. Poked in the eyes when you have a face mash? That's just good aim.

NHL – Wellie, wellie, well, those Penguins looked a little shaky during most of the 1st period, but rallied hard to get up 2-0 through the early part of the 2nd period, thanks to two Sid Crosby goals. The 3-2 win moved the Penguins to 9-0 this postseason at home, which is a great stat for a team that needs at least one road win. The Red Wings definitely didn't look anywhere near as cowed as the Pens looked on the road, so the series hasn't quite swung yet, but, hey!, Pittsburgh scored.

MLB – So many other otherwise interminable sports being in a constant state of playoffs only further plunges early-season baseball into a state of irrelevancy. At we know this much: Chase Utley doing okay…Erik Bedard not usually this good…Yankees seemed to celebrate a lot of broken sweeps these days…Soriano is quixotic… The Royals are not.