We still have Vikings-Jets tonight, but there’s no reason we can’t run down all the other games that have been played out. We have no more undefeated teams, no more Jay Cutler (for now), and no wins for San Francisco. Join us as we haphazardly recap each NFL game from yesterday. Leave your own observations, gripes or kvetches in the comments.

Eagles 27, Niners 24. San Francisco falls to 0-5 after Kevin Kolb did his very best to suck less than Alex Smith. That was a taller chore than expected after Niners coach Mike Singletary ripped into his quarterback on the sideline, who then managed to pull his team within three points before throwing a game-ending interception. Whatever; they still suck. Yeah, I can’t wait to see San Fran on national TV two more times this season. Kill me.

Cardinals 30, Saints 20. Max Hall just stole your birthmark, Drew Brees.

Titans 34, Cowboys 27. Tony Romo:Tennessee::Denard Robinson:Michigan State.

Buccaneers 24, Bengals 21. Cincinnati gave up 10 points in the last 86 seconds of the game. After winning the AFC North last year, it’s nice to see the Bengals finally returning to form.

Bears 23, Panthers 6. Jay Cutler was hurt. Todd Collins started. He completed six passes to his own team, and four to his other team. And yet Carolina only managed 147 yards of total offense. If I get to play quarterback for the Bears next week, do you think they’ll let me wear No. 11? I’ll look like a human electrical outlet. Read the rest of this entry »

So yesterday was one of those dead nights on the sports calendar where absolutely nothing is going on and I'm forced to deal with the inscrutable pain of social interaction. And when I say nothing is going on, I don't just mean in the sense that there's only the continued drag of the interminable baseball regular season, but a cold inky abyss of inactivity. All the sports channels have to resort to continued discussion of an All-Star Game that might still be going on. I had to scour just to find this pic of Chinese cheerleaders performing during a game between Russia and Angola during something called the Stankovic Cup in Hangzhou. Nice to know that when American sports go dormant, the rest of the world follows suit. Finally their obedience comes back to bite us in the ass. I never thought I'd be glad to have the return of regular season baseball and the start of the British Open. Just kidding. I don't give a shit. I'm seeing The Dark Knight tonight.

In actual news: More Favre bullshit, double-amputee Oscar Pistorius fails to qualify for the Olympics thus heading off an annoying debate about his unfair cyber-leg advantage, James Posey leaves the Celts for the Hornets and the Ravens guarantee they're going to have more shitty quarterback play for a while.

NL — Hiroki Kuroda took a perfect game into the 8th inning, but Mark Teixeira's double forced the Japanese import to settle for a one-hitter in the Dodgers' 3-0 victory over the Braves.  Must. Not. Make. World War II joke… The Mets tried to blow the nine-run lead that Pedro Martinez staked them to, but could only give up eight runs before the Phillies ran out of gas.  Master of Blown Saves Billy Wagner only gave up two runs before sealing the 10-9 win.

AL — Hey, I gotta get one a them Japanese pitchers — they work great!  Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima were key in Boston's 1-0 shutout of the Twins.  Your gratuitous Dice-K-related cheesecake is here… The mighty Royals cooled off the Rays, snapping the demon fishes' 7-game win streak with a 7-4 triumph keyed by two 10th-inning homers.

NBA — Michael Beasley poured in 28 points in 23 minutes, overshadowing fellow top pick Derrick Rose (10 points) in the Heat's win over the Bulls.  Now wait just a damn minute.  The NBA?  When did that start?  Does that league even HAVE an offseason?

EURO 2008 -  Oh, the drama of nil-nil.The Spaniards foiled floptastic Italia in shootouts to reach the Euro semifinals for the first time since 1984, when they met Oceania in a heavily surveilled contest.The crestfallen Italians will return home to their mothers,to whom they'll pledge to move out of the house before they turn 35. 34 is she keep-a nag-a so much. Spanish keeper Iker Casillas rose to the occasion, stopping two penalty kicks and tipping out a last-minute scoring chance by Antonio Di Natale.

MLB – The Cubs completed a three-game sweep of the crosstown White Sox with a 7-1 win Sunday highlighted by a commanding outing by Ryan Dempster, who improved to 9-0 at Wrigley this year. Aramis Ramirez homered four times in the series, including two yesterday. No, these Cubbies won't be deterred by an injury to Carlos Zambrano. It only goes to prove THERE'S NO WAY THE CUBS WON'T WIN IT ALL THIS YEAR! NOT EVEN ME OR MY JINXING CAN STOP THEM!…In other sweepings, the Angels brought out the brooms against the Phillies, dealing Philadelphia its fifth loss in a row. Meanwhile, Francisco Rodriguez picked up his league leading 30th save of the season, putting him in good position to make a run at a single season record people don't really care about…Mark Teixiera has an okay day at the plate, homering three times (with at least one coming from the right and the left side)and driving in four runs in the Braves' 8-3 win over the Mariners…The Red Sox get a Kevin Youkilis walk-off homer in the 13th to avoid being swept by the Cardinals and handing a quarter-note of humility to riding-high Massholia. Oh, who'm I kidding. A Cards sweep would be noted with a mention about revenge for the Sawx wicked 2004World Series sweep of the same Redbirds. Just thinking about that makes…oh great, now my ears are bleeding.

College World Series – Fresno State advances to meet Georgia in the finals. You might be inclined to describe them as a Cinderella team until you remember even a pumpkin couldn't survive living in Fresno.

SO LONG DICKFACE — The Mariners fired manager John McLaren yesterday, getting rid of another cog of incompetence.  Now if they just trade or get rid of 20 players on the roster and replace them with better players, the M's will be back on top!

MLB — The Brewers' Dave Bush took a no-hitter and an 8-0 lead into the 8th inning against the Blue Jays last night.  He lost the no-hitter when Lyle Overbay tripled, then watched as the bullpen nearly gave away the lead in the 9th.  Prince Fielder's inside-the-park homer was the difference in Milwaukee's 8-7 win.  Wait, what? … The Braves rallied in the 9th to tie the Rangers, only to watch as Michael Young delivered the game-winning RBI in the bottom of the 9th as Texas improved to .500 with a 5-4 victory.  Chipper Jones went 0-for-4 as his average dipped to a shameful .394.  That Ted Williams guy must have been pretty good, huh? … Joba Chamberlain looked liked a bona fide starter, and Alex Rodriguez delivered a non-clutch go-ahead RBI as the Yankees won their 7th in a row, 2-1 over the Padres.

Euro 2008 — As usual, the Iberians crumple under pressure: Germany beat Portugal 3-2 in the quarters and will face the winner of the Turkey-Croatia match.  Cristiano Ronaldo, meanwhile, is now free to explore his three favorite offseason pursuits: hookers, hookers, and hookers.

NL — Billy Wagner did what he did best (squander a three-run lead in the 9th), but it merely set the table for Carlos Beltran's walk-off homer in bottom of the 13th, as the Mets snapped a five-game losing streak with a 5-3 win over Arizona… The Reds got their collective mudhole stomped 10-0 by the Cardinals, but primary injury-giver Albert Pujols was struck down by karma, straining a calf that will keep him out for three weeks… Ryan Dempster improved to 8-0 at Wrigley this year by striking out 11 in Braves on his way to a four-hitter, his first complete game in six years, but the Cubs' 7-2 triumph may have been a Pyrrhic victory, as they lost Alsonso Soriano for six weeks to a broken hand… Dan Uggla's walk-off grand slam gave the Marlins a 6-2 win over the Phillies, ruining Cole Hamels's 13-K performance over eight innings

AL — King Felix and Brandon Morrow (also known as the two Mariner pitchers least likely to suck now that J.J. Putz is hurt) held things together as Seattle rallied for a late 2-1 win against Toronto… Bartolo Colon earned his 150th career win with a 6-3 Red Sox victory over the O's.  At this pace, he'll get to 300 by the time he's 49 years old and 570 pounds.  Colon was relieved after six innings (hee hee, relieved colon!)… Justin Verlander remembered that he doesn't actually suck and pitched a complete game four-hitter to power the Tigers over the ChiSox.  But don't worry, South Side: the Museum of Science and Industry still makes you better than Detroit.

Euro 2008 — Why he scored it, I can't say (people just liked it better that way): Turkey's Arda Turan scored a 90th-minute goal to give the Turks a 2-1 victory over host Switzerland, knocking the Swiss out of the tourney and setting up a winner-goes-to-the quarterfinals match with the Czechs, who lost 3-1 to Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal.  What should we expect from that final group game?  That's nobody's business but the Turks'.