It’s getting harder and harder to shock you with violent soccer stories. Soccer players are always either wiping their blood on each other or starting kung fu gang brawls or being blown up by grenades, so if you see a screengrab of a soccer stadium on fire, chances are you’ll scroll right by it without a second thought. Of COURSE soccer fans set fire to a stadium.

It all happened (in Russia!) on Sunday after Zenit St. Petersburg’s win over FK Volga. The visiting Zenit fans, happy about what they’d just zeen, celebrated by torching their own seats, then throwing wood into the fire while dudes with fire hoses tried to put it out. The best part? The incident occurred at the hilariously Russian-sounding “Lokomotiv Stadium”.

Fire services in the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod were forced to put out a blaze after fans set fire to seats at Lokomotiv Stadium.

The incident occurred in the aftermath of the match between home side FK Volga and reigning league champions Zenit St Petersburg, which ended 2-1 to the visitors.

Following the conclusion of the game, Zenit fans seated in the away section set several seats alight, with police reporting that some 430 seats in that part of the stadium were broken or destroyed. (via ITV.com)

If you’re already pumping your fists and going FIRE, FIRE, FIREEEEE, here’s the clip. Warning: extremely Russian.

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Here are some great jokes about this video of a shifty series of events at a women’s college soccer match, assuming you are a total asshole:

1. What a crazy looking kitchen! It’s full of grass and people playing soccer!
2. “C’mon it’s not like she hasn’t had balls in her face before…”
3. She throws like a girl!
4. something else about kitchens

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I hope you enjoy one of the most spectacularly dirty plays I’ve ever seen, and a living exercise in one player not being able to figure out how to get her face the hell away from the ball. She’s throwing it at your head over and over, pay attention! Or shit, worse case scenario, kick her in the chest with your shin when she jogs by to chat with the ref. Zidane her. Do something besides just standing there holding your head like a goon.

All joking aside, I think we can all agree that the lady chucking soccer balls at peoples’ faces in the history’s most low-stakes game is the worst person and the best ever at soccer.

[h/t to OTBS]

In the grand tradition of somebody throwing a grenade at soccer players comes this clip from Sunday’s match between Anorthosis and Omonia Nicosia, wherein a player gets injured and somebody in the crowd throws firecrackers at him. No, you read that right: he wasn’t injured when someone threw firecrackers at him, he was already injured and on the ground with a bunch of people huddling over him, then the firecrackers were thrown. I know, right?

One of the most interesting things about running a blog is observing how difficult it is to get people on the Internet to believe anything. If you post a picture of Scarlett Johansson naked on a bed and she says it’s her, people call it fake and start dissecting it by angles to prove it. If she says it isn’t her, they use those same angles to find matching lightswitches and wallpaper prints to verify that she was AT THAT SAME HOTEL ONCE so it HAD to be her. If you post a video of someone throwing a grenade onto a soccer field, people say it was enhanced with CGI (no, really) and explain how grenades have shrapnel, so while this may have been an explosive it wasn’t a grenade, because blah blah something something Dwight Schrute. This video already has its detractors, with people saying the smoke and explosion were scripted, and the players are just diving and playing it up. You know, because a Cypriot football match needs a SOMEONE TRIED TO EXPLODE US narrative.

That said, explanations as to why someone would toss explosives at an injured player are already popping up in the comments section, so I’ll let a couple of psychotic, asshole soccer fans explain it themselves:

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Burnsy sent me this story in an e-mail this morning. The text read:

In case you want to write about this. I tried, but UGH

If you haven’t heard about this yet, Friday’s update on the official Asian Football Confederation website published “UAE to take cautious approach,” an article about the United Arab Emirates national team trying to qualify for the 2015 AFC Asian Cup. In the third paragraph, the team (also known as “Al-Abyad”) is refereed to as, “”Al-Abyad or Sand Monkeys”.

No, seriously.

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In case you need another reason to miss hockey, here’s the worst of soccer dives. I know it’s a little melodramatic, but how about stringent lifetime bans for anyone who gets caught flopping in ANY sport, followed by them having to wear signs around their necks reading I RUINED THE INTEGRITY OF SPORTS for the rest of their lives? Also, attack them with hammers for real. (via talkSPORT)

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Links

Seven Things About Seven Psychopaths You’re Going to Love |Film Drunk|

The Internet Reacts To The Paul Ryan Workout Photos |UPROXX|

The 10 Greatest Jerkasses in Television Sitcom History |Warming Glow|

Sports On TV: Glee’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

First Look At Viper And The Silver Samurai On The Set Of ‘The Wolverine’ |Gamma Squad|

RZA & The Black Keys – “The Baddest Man Alive” |Smoking Section|

Presenting The All-Hype Glory Boy Team |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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I had no idea that soccer EMTs having no idea how to operate a stretcher and lifting dudes into their own asses was an epidemic, but apparently it has happened before and Confianca player “Arthur” is its latest victim.

Our friends at Dirty Tackle do a fine job of recapping the event. All I could do was mutter “the horror … the horror” and sink back into jungle darkness.

the last thing Arthur needed was to be tossed onto a stretcher and then lifted directly into the taint of another human being. But that’s exactly what he got.

A few suggestions:

1. Don’t employ toothless gentlemen as members of your medical team.
2. Make the handles on your stretchers longer.
3. If you get hit in the face during a soccer game, walk away and do not make people carry you off on a stretcher.