Form a line, ladies.

Just like any world class Olympic athlete with limited appeal and a temporary window, swimmer Ryan Lochte is trying to make the most of his current fame and inexplicable sex symbol status by throwing his name out there for reality TV appearances. He has apparently already lobbied for a spot on Dancing with the Stars, and now it appears that ABC might have higher hopes for him as the next Bachelor.

Apparently Roberto from The Bachelorette turned down the offer to be the new Bachelor already – presumably to star on FOX’s rip-off dating show, Slut Shamer – so that would make Lochte the ideal candidate. If only some people in the industry would throw some slang our way…

“Ryan would make the perfect next ‘Bachelor’,” Amy Rosenblum, who runs media training company Media Masters, told me. “He has the ‘it’ factor. Especially after his mother’s one-night-stand comment, everyone wants to know who is the real Ryan and what would it be like to date him. Forget dancing shows — this guy should be doing dating shows, for sure.”

“Ryan would make a great Bachelor,” casting director Jimmy Floyd, from Semisweet Productions, told me. “He has it all: charm, looks and everyone in America already knows him.” (Via HuffPo)

Added another network PR person, “What is zazz? Zing! Zork! Kapowza! Call it what you want, in any language it spells mazuma in the bank!”

Lochte’s new post-swimming goal is to get into TV and film acting, which is an awesome idea, because he’s been acting like he’s friends with Michael Phelps for years. I only hope that he can match the greatest acting Olympic athlete in world history…

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With the widespread use of social media and, more specifically the popularity of a jackass like Jose Canseco, I’m surprised that we don’t hear more from or about Pete Rose. Hell, I’m surprised that what may or may not be his Twitter account only has 4,000+ followers. But I guess that just means that the 71-year old all-time MLB hits leader has settled into the reality that most people just don’t give a crap about him anymore.

Apparently TLC missed that memo. The network once known as The Learning Channel has famously brought us shows like Toddlers and Tiaras, Jon and Kate Plus 8, 19 Kids and Counting, Sister Wives, and Extreme Couponing. Now, the network is adding a Pete Rose reality show to its stable. Is it about a legendary athlete now in his twilight years, ready to do whatever it takes to prove to the fans who once worshipped him that he was wrong for gambling and lying, and beg the forgiveness of the sport that made him a star so that he might one day enter Cooperstown before he takes his final breath?

No. It’s about him and his Playboy model girlfriend. Good for you, Charlie Hustle.

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Back in 2010, I introduced us to Sheyla Hershey, a Brazilian woman in Houston living her dream of holding a world record for the largest breasts. In 2009, she had surgery to increase her 38FFF boobs to 38KKK in order to capture the record, and by 2010 she was informed by doctors that she was suffering from staph infections in both of her breasts and she needed to either have breast reduction surgery or she would eventually lose both of her breasts. Oh, and she might have died, too. I feel like that’s important.

Hershey had the surgery and surrendered her title, but then last year she told the Grim Reaper to motorboat her, because she once again enhanced her breasts back to 38KKK to reclaim her world record. And then she allegedly tried to kill herself two times. Thankfully, a very respectable party has stepped in to put a stop to this nonsense.

Just kidding, TLC is feeding the monster now. Hershey will soon be featured on the ridiculous show, My Strange Addiction, and I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before she gets her own travel show called Hershey Highway.

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Links

Top 10: Dunks On Kendrick Perkins (A History Of Abuse) - Poor guy, you think he’d learn to get his hands up after the 4th or 5th posterization. [Real Talk NY]

Rep Yo’ City: 40 Hip-Hop Hometown Anthems - It’s true, “Cleveland Is The City”. Bedford is just the suburbs, but they have an Auto Mile. [Smoking Section]

The Movie Middle Finger Mash-Up Is Fantastic - Needs more Captain Hammer. Also, people who do the “every finger up but bent in the middle, thumb out” thing are weird. Stop doing that. [Film Drunk]

Here’s Why Dax Shepard Is With Kristen Bell And You’re Not, Bros - This is seriously adorable, and if you didn’t like Kristen Bell before, oh man. [UPROXX]

Can We Just Stop ‘Popping The Question,’ Please? - Yeah, it’s getting harder and harder to propose to one’s girlfriend thanks to the Internet. What am I supposed to do, give her a ring for a Christmas present? That’s the lamest thing in history. [UPROXX]

The Arrested Development Movie Is Really Actually Absolutely Happening For Real - And maybe if this works out, we’ll find out what happened to Henry at the end of ‘Party Down’ after all. [Film Drunk]

6 Series From Dark Horse Comics You Should Be Buying (Aside From Hellboy) - If Usagi Yojimbo can have a comic for 30 years, someone should be able to hire me to write one for Mondo Gecko. Just saying. [Gamma Squad]

How Would You Like Your Back Clawed by These TV-Themed Fingernails? - I would not! [Warming Glow]

21 More Reasons Florida Is The Craziest State - This is what happens when you decide to live on America’s penis. The whole f**king thing is like Twin Peaks. [Buzzfeed]

QUIZ: Lana Del Rey Song Or Thing We Just Made Up? - Bizarre. I wish the backlash on this lady would literally drown her and drag her into the ocean. [HuffPost Comedy]

14 Reasons To Be Excited For The ‘Avengers’ Super Bowl Trailer - Reason 15: there are only 20 super hero movies coming out in 2012, and this is one of them. [Moviefone]

The Most Controversial Super Bowl Ads of All Time - Someone should remake ’1984′ and end it with TO SEE THE REST UNCENSORED, VISIT APPLE.COM. [The FW]

A University of Michigan Student Created a ‘Walk of Shame Shuttle Service’ - I have never once made a walk of shame. I’ve done some Super Happy Early Morning Dancing Down The Sidewalk, though. [Brobible]

The Reality Television Venn Diagram - Who knew there were so many shows about cajuns and hillbillies? [High Definite]

Reality TV’s knockout combo of talking heads and inanimate 38-year old women has made “The Real Housewives Of ______” an easy joke, but when it’s done right, it can be really, really right. Case in point:”The Real Houseweives Of South Boston”, by way of Buzzfeed.

Somehow it manages to be hilarious, exactly like a real Real Housewives episode (complete with inexplicable dinner party) and a perfect encapsulation of every character I’ve ever seen from a movie set in Boston. Seriously, if one of these women had a gun this could pass for five minutes of The Town. If they aired the show as is on ESPN in Primetime I wouldn’t even know it was a joke.

Moments to look out for: Paul Pierce Jr. (and the pitch-perfect dichotomy of prejudiced white folks who love black people), Boston fans only liking home runs (didn’t need a parody video to tell me that) and the phrase “I f**k athletes. These are my trophies”.

[backwards hat tip to Mr. Matt Ufford]

Last we heard from Tamara Ecclestone, the elder daughter of Formula One CEO Bernie Ecclestone, she was bouncing back and forth between England and the U.S., undoubtedly helping her sister move her futon and George Foreman grill into her new $82 million dollar home in Los Angeles. But now she wants us to know that there is so much more to her traveling and spending and partying and spending and sleeping and spending.

She’s been preparing for her new reality show, “Billion $$$ Girl,” which will air on some network across the pond, and will allow her to show all of us that there’s more to her than being the attractive socialite daughter of a billionaire. That started with a photo shoot with famed photog Tyler Shields, who asked Tamara if she could get her hands on some loose cash.

Get ready to punch something.

Sheilds’ [sic, guvna] agent told The Sun: ‘Tyler asked if she could get hold of £1million and she said she already had it lying around. So he got her to lie in it naked.’

(Via the Daily Mail)

Now before we go casting stones, I should point out that her parents care very deeply about her financial well-being. In fact, Tamara’s mom always keeps her daughters grounded. You know, when she’s not loaning them $82 million for houses.

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