Ronda Rousey won Female Fighter Of The Year at the Fighters Only World MMA Awards, but I’m willing to vote her into an Emmy, Academy Award, Slammy, The Soup Award or anything else you can win for effectively mocking a 7-year old reality television star.

What follows is Here Comes Ronda Boo Boo, a pretty self-explanatory riff on TLC’s ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ that reveals the secret to Rousey’s MMA success: she downs a Gatorade bottle full of Go Go Juice between rounds and wins to keep her beloved pig “Glitzy” from being slaughtered. It’s funnier than it should be thanks to Ronda’s on-point comedic timing, but I don’t want to compliment it too much, because there’s a 60% chance that Mama June is being played by MadTV’s Will Sasso.

Anyway, check it out. If you don’t like it, you better redneckonize.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here Heidi master 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Watermelons'.

First the bad news. I was doing my morning reading, scrounging for in-depth, intelligent stories – AKA pictures of cats wearing sombreros – when I stumbled across the headline, “Heidi and Spencer saved from eviction…” I stopped reading at “eviction” because I was like, “Well f*ck, who the hell is saving these worthless losers?” but it turns out that they were saved from eviction on Celebrity Big Brother, which means the worse news is that people still think these clods are celebrities. But the good news is that this is the British version of Celebrity Big Brother, so that means England is stuck with them now. That’s how this works, England. You f*ckers gave us Cher Lloyd, so you have to take “Speidi”. Tough tits, Brit bros.

Now on to the sports news. Speaking of horrible fake celebrities and wanting to punch things, The Ultimate Fighter 17 debuts on Jan. 22 as Team (Jon) Jones and Team (Chael) Sonnen will undoubtedly make for a season of incredible trash talk. As our good friends at Cage Potato have pointed out, one of the guys competing on this season is already pretty well known. It’s former Strikeforce middleweight Kevin Casey, who sports a 5-2 career record.

Unfortunately, he’s also the guy who taught Heidi and Spencer Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and I’m afraid that we can’t let him off the hook just yet.

Read the rest of this entry »

"This week, The Situation stops by to borrow a cup of penicillin."

Last year – before, during and after the 2012 Summer Olympics – gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte made it clear that when he hangs up his Speedo, he wants to become a serious, respected actor. He got a head start on his dream with a forgettable Funny or Die video, an appearance on 90210 that nobody watched and a surprisingly funny turn as Pizzarina Sbarro’s “sex idiot” on 30 Rock. Of course, Lochte was also rumored to be in the running for Dancing with the Stars or even The Bachelor, but what he really wanted was something with meat on its bones, something that he could really sink his teeth into and show the world that he was more than just sculpted abs and the dumbest catchphrase of 2012.

Naturally, none of that worked out and Lochte just signed a deal with E! for his very own reality show with a predictably awful name.

Read the rest of this entry »

While he spends most of his days peddling overpriced autographs on his website and pimping his LockerDome webpage on Twitter, baseball’s all-time hits leader, Pete Rose, is still trying desperately to cling to relevance ever since he seemingly gave up his quest to be admitted into Major League Baseball’s Hall of Fame. Back in July, word surfaced that Rose’s plan to recapture his glory included a reality television show about him and his significantly younger Playboy model fiancée, Kiana Kim, and their road to marriage.

Of course TLC, the network that has brought us such educational classics as My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, Abby and Brittany, My Strange Addiction, Breaking Amish, Toddlers & Tiaras and, obviously, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, picked the show up, because it had just enough train wreck flair to warrant a six-episode run. And now, there’s no turning back, because Pete Rose: Hits & Mrs. has a debut date.

Chronicling preparations for Rose and his fiancee, ex-Playboy model Kiana Kim, as they blend their families and prepare for wedded life, the six-part docu-series will launch on the cable network Monday, Jan. 14, at 10 p.m.

According to the official synopsis, the 71-year-old Rose — who has been banned from professional baseball due to his gambling — and Kim will face “challenges other families face.” The upcoming nuptials mark Rose’s third trip down the aisle, while Kim has two children from a previous relationship. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

Challenges other families face? I suppose that means the trials and tribulations of a couple 40 years apart, as women who can only find love with men north of 70 who have always looked like pillow cases stuffed with rocks need a couple to look up to. Perhaps if Cooperstown never comes calling, there will be a place in the reality TV Hall of Fame for Rose. Somewhere between the woman who eats couch cushions and that guy who punched Snooki.

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t watch much reality TV, let alone any of the CBS blockbuster Survivor, but I’d been keeping my ear to the TV in the other room this season as my girlfriend watched, because as a rule, anything that involves Jeff Kent is usually outstanding. That’s not to say that I like the former San Francisco Giants second baseman. But he has built one of the greatest a-hole reputations, whether he deserved it or not.

Kent has been pretty irrelevant since retiring, and I simply assumed that he’d never be allowed anywhere near a broadcast booth, so I was a little surprised that CBS was willing to give him a spot on Survivor. However, it tickles my funny bone ever so that most or all of his opponents/castmates had no clue who he was, because if they had known, he would have been booted the first week.

Instead, Kent made it to the midseason point, and after he was voted off last night, he laid down one of the greatest sound bites of the year.

Read the rest of this entry »

On October 8, 27-year old former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader and teacher Sarah Jones pleaded guilty to having sex with one of her students, a 17-year old boy. However, the boy’s family and Jones have known each other for a long time and despite the 9-year age difference, she had been friends with now-18 Cody York since he was a child. So it wasn’t much of a surprise when the York family refused to cooperate with prosecutors and Jones was ultimately sentenced to five years of diversion and she avoided that whole “sex offender” tag.

What was a bit of a surprise was that Jones and York left the courthouse holding hands, as they’d later reveal to the media that they are still dating and plan to move on with their lives. As someone who vividly and fondly remembers being 18, what is this bro thinking? Turns out he’s thinking about love.

“We made a poor choice together,” Jones told “Dateline”. “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t find happiness at the end of the day. And we will.

“He’s wonderful, and I absolutely adore everything because even if he has flaws, I adore them.” (Via NFL.com)

So now they can just fade away into oblivion and lead their fabulous little lives away from our scorn, right? Haha, no. Jones and York are getting a f*cking reality TV show.

Read the rest of this entry »