“I met Jaimee in Las Vegas.”

Before I get to this week’s recap of the third episode of E!’s brilliant new reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, I want to share my semi-depression over a missed opportunity. I like to believe that I have my finger forever tapped into the pulse of my beloved Orlando, and if there’s going to be a celebrity appearance, I usually know about it. So as I watched WWRLD last night, I was a little miffed that I never received my VIP passes to the Orlando Grand Prix back in February to watch Ryan Lochte place first in the races that were included in this week’s episode and not win the other races that were excluded, including the one race that he was disqualified from.

But I was even more upset to learn that Lochte was JEAHing it up at an Orlando nightclub this past Saturday night, and I could have met up with him and fulfilled my dream of watching him hit on women in person. Some people want to watch LeBron James dunk, but I’d rather watch Lochte dish out classic lines like, “Hey girl, potato.” I guess that in my quest to completely understand one man’s existence, I’ve lost track of my own.

We live, we learn, we watch this show so you don’t have to.

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“My life is like a Seinfeld.” – Ryan Lochte

The biggest problem with What Would Ryan Lochte Do? is that the season is only eight episodes long. For the people who aren’t watching this show – which, according to early ratings numbers, is A LOT of people – eight episodes is probably eight too many. However, for the sake of the show and what Ryan and Co. are trying to accomplish, it’s simply not enough. There are just too many story lines being shoe-horned into each half-hour episode, and it’s taking away from the things that actually matter.

Yes, friends, there are things that actually matter in this otherwise unremarkable series, and I feel like I need a shower just for trying to find a redeeming quality in something that plays out like porn without sex or full nudity. But as you peel back each layer of the mor-onion and fight through the tears of laughter, you eventually find that there’s a very sweet spot at the center.

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“What is a douchebag? I really don’t know what it means.”

If there’s a purpose to What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, I’m not sure that E! and the titular swimmer are painting it with the same set of fingers. The network’s newest reality series debuted last night, as the 11-time Olympic swimming medalist wants to give his fans and, more importantly, people like me, who believe that he is a human cartoon character, a glimpse into his daily life as the ultimate All-American boy. The only problem is that E! and the show’s producers do not share that desire.

Once I came to that realization in the show’s opening moments, when we see him shouting his trademark made-up word, “JEAH!” all over the place, my mind began to wander, ultimately making me ask myself this question: Is Ryan Lochte the greatest genius that this world has ever known?

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FOREVER

A sex hypocrite. For sex hookers!

Okay, not really. But hey, remember that interview UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion Ronda Rousey gave to Jim Rome back in November where she said she tries to have as much sex as possible before she fights because it raises her testosterone levels? Remember how your response to that was probably, “I should try to hang out with Ronda Rousey as much as possible before she fights?”

If you are a TUF 18 fighter, do as Ronda says, not as Ronda does.

“If they’re the chick that was screwing around the house, for the rest of their career they’re going to be known as the chick that was screwing around the house. Sponsors are going to be looking at that. Everybody’s going to be looking at that,” she told MMA Junkie.

“If you think it’s $100,000 worth of that lay [ed. note - she talkin 'bout boning], then go for it, but I’m just going to remind them that there’s a lot of very permanent consequences to how they carry themselves in the house,” Rousey went on.

Of course, the situations aren’t identical. If you’re Ronda Rousey and you’re having sex in your personal day-to-day life, people are gonna give you the thumbs up. If you’re a contestant on a reality show with cameras filming you all the time, you’re already being judged and pop-culturally identified by what the editor chooses to use … the last thing you want is to bet the Trishelle of the female coaches season. Maybe the Brynn, but not the Trishelle.

I think the fighters on TUF should listen to whatever Ronda says, and if she tells them she’ll fine them for not jumping off a bridge, they should jump the hell off a bridge. If not for the wisdom and advice, do it for armbar avoidance.

[h/t to Cage Potato]

Katherine Webb with other people.

This has already been a paramount year for people who have long wondered why there aren’t more TV shows that feature celebrities jumping into swimming pools. Back in January, FOX debuted Stars in Danger: The High Dive and, soon after, ABC began filming its own celebrity diving show, Splash, which finally debuted last night.

There has been a lot of buzz around Splash ever since Stars in Danger made its debut – and especially because ABC canceled Don’t Trust the B for it, thus ruining my year – and last night America was able to see this latest batch of belly-floppers, including Miss Alabama USA and star of the BCS Championship Game, Katherine Webb.

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The cast of Expendables 37, minus Vin Diesel and Jonathan Lipnicki.

Last week, Randy Couture inspired the national Mixed Martial Arts media to declare a collective, “What the f*ck, bro?” when he announced that he had signed a partnership deal with Bellator and Spike TV to be a coach on Fight Master: Bellator MMA. Couture, of course, is most widely associated with the UFC because, you know, he helped bring it to the forefront of American sports culture and he served as the face of the promotion for 15 years.

So you can imagine that UFC President Dana White wasn’t too happy with Couture’s new gig, enough that he proclaimed that Couture couldn’t even buy a ticket to a UFC event anymore. Of course that poses a bit of a personal problem for Couture, as his son Ryan now fights in the UFC and would like his father in his corner. Naturally, Randy would like that as well.

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