Life sure is tough for this loser.

Real Madrid star and athlete No. 647 to have dated Kim Kardashian, Cristiano Ronaldo was none too pleased with the officials of his team’s 1-0 victory over Dinamo Zagreb on Wednesday. He complained that the top priority of the Champions League referees should be to protect the awesomeness that is Ronaldo. After all, he is the most important athlete on the face of the planet.

“We are very happy with three points we took, but I’m not so satisfied with the refereeing,” he told reporters. “I hope we never have this referee again. People talk of fair-play, of protecting good players, but I never get any of that. I don’t understand a thing.

“I’m sad because I hear referees saying they will protect skilful players, but while some are untouchable it seems I can be mauled.” (Via The Guardian)

Pretty standard bitching and moaning about officiating, nothing to see here. But it’s the follow-up quote that really sprays the money shot.

“I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation.”

How could there be any other explanation? He’s clearly so humble and respectable that the only reason people might boo him is because it’s just so impossible to take our eyes off of him. In fact, I wrote this entire post with my erection.

Well, like nuts, at least.

Sports

Exciting New Genre Alert: The MMA Porno - It’s called “Fighters” and follows “two beautiful, passionate girls, from opposite walks of life that come together in a battle of lust and unyielding wills to fight it out in a stealthy boxing match.” Spoiler: One walk of life is “stripping” and the other is “molestation”. [Cage Potato]

Sports’ Best Mustaches - Sure, you always have to see that same picture of Rollie Fingers, but “best mustaches” lists on the Internet are the best place to find out about weird-looking hockey players. I keep wondering how hockey players get hot actress girlfriends. Theory: hockey is the one pro sport where a woman can date a white guy and not look like she’s a secret racist. [Yardbarker]

Real Madrid Signs 7-Year Old - Soccer is a fun game for children to play, I don’t know why people are so upset about this. Just make sure he drinks Pediasure instead of eating that box of fries. [Online Sports Guys]

Deion Sanders And The Career Many Forgot He Had - It started with “Must Be The Money” and ended with a Troy Aikman-looking Hall of Fame bust. That’s quite a career. Also, he was the sh*t in Tecmo Super Bowl. [Smoking Section]

With Leather

Senorita, Feel The Conga, Let Me See You Golf Like You Come From Colombia - Shakira golfing. If you see the title “Shakira golfing” and don’t at least look at it for a few minutes, you’re a weird person. [With Leather]

@Storytime: Celine Dion Destroys Ron Artest’s Fragile World - This thing needs more comments. This is a “Fabio gets hit in the face by a bird while riding a roller coaster” type of situation and needs your attention. SHE MADE HIM WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST. [With Leather]

The 80′s Sitcom Daughters Guide to Fantasy Football Wide Receivers - I love that Burnsy puts so much work into making these intelligent and accurate and most of the comments are still just “meh where’s Lynn from ALF your argument is invalid”. [With Leather]

Melina Splits: WWE Cleaning House - Notable because WWE is referencing them on television, with the slight chance that Masters, Kozlov and Harry Smith are going to return as part of CM Punk’s “Legion Of The Damned”. Melina, of course, will be at Wizard World Austin. Come on, Wizard World Austin! [With Leather]

Not Sports

The Best of #Tom Haverford - For all your apps, zerts and chicky-chicky parm-parm needs. Tom is my girlfriend’s favorite character on Parks and Rec, no matter how hard I try to convince her that Leslie is the best person in the history of sitcom television. [UPROXX]

7 Sci-Fi Philosoraptors: Dinosaur Meme Tackles Time Travel, Space - Needs more “Carl Sagan explaining Flatland”. “Cosmos” ruled, I don’t know if you were aware. [Gamma Squad]

The Five Most Useless Action Movie Heroines - I clicked this to make sure Violet from Ultraviolet was on the list, and sure enough, there she was. I got that blu-ray free with my blu-ray player and could not believe something so free could be so terrible. It was like watching Joseph Kahn jack off onto a tablet. [UPROXX]

Black Dynamite: Watch the Full Pilot - Main man Black Dynamite! [Adult Swim]

Back in April I put up a video of Real Madrid winning the Copa del Rey, then promptly dropping and running over it with a double-decker bus. That’s the sort of mishap that mishappens once in a lifetime, right? Well, it turns out Real Madrid is really into committing vehicular manslaughter on the things they love, because now they’ve dropped a woman and run over her with a golf cart.

A rundown of events (cough) via Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle:

While the players were being transported around the [UCLA] campus, one female fan decided to bum-rush one of the moving carts. She apparently didn’t consider the science of what happens when a person runs directly into a moving golf cart, because she got run over. The cart stopped momentarily before zooming off on its merry way.

The best part is the Hit And Run, because the guy filming just sort of goes “heh” and everyone moves on with their lives. No additional information is known about the victim at this time, but I’ve got a couple of working theories:

1. The woman was trying to commit suicide in the most uptight, Caucasian way possible (via a golf cart carrying a soccer team on a California college campus).
2. The woman was simply blind and jogging in the wrong direction.
3. The woman is Kevin James, and this is one of 800 similar jokes in his next movie.

Regardless, this is the least alert soccer team of all time. I hope you guys never crash your plane in the Andes Mountains, you’ll be dead within 20 minutes.

What would happen to the New York Mets if they won a World Series in 2011? They’d accidentally drop the World Series trophy during their ticker tape parade, and probably drive over it in a double decker bus. At least, that’s what The Dugout about the Mets winning the World Series would be. So imagine my surprise when I saw Sergio Ramos of Real Madrid do that exact thing with the Copa del Rey, their first major trophy in three years.

How does this even happen? Maybe the bus driver was a fan of Barcelona. Maybe God wanted to prove that he exists by pointing out the hubris of man. Either way, that’s got to be a difficult thing to get over when it’s time to renew your contract. “Oh, yeah, that’s right, you’re the guy who dropped our trophy and got it ran over by a bus. No, wait, a DOUBLE BUS.”

A new study by the social media service FanGager has determined that the “fans” on Manchester United’s Facebook page are the most active of any fan page on Mark Zuckerberg’s cash cow. Out of the Top 15 fan pages listed in the study, Man U. ranks 8th in the actual number of fans at 9,915,504 (as of the study’s end) but the club’s 256,206 “active” fans gives the page the highest active percentage at 2.6%. Finishing second was Justin Bieber’s Facebook fan page, which means that the teenage singer is officially worse than soccer.

According to Wired:

Launched in the U.S. one month ago, FanGager uses Facebook and Twitter open APIs to track social activity and brand engagement. After producing a report for a brand, FanGager offers a selection of applications that allow companies to build fan activity and engagement.

“Brands have been collecting fans and followers for some time,” Eran Gefen, FanGager’s founder and CEO, told Wired.com in a recent interview. “But the real question is not how many fans you have, but how many active and engaged fans you have.”

And that’s true, because the active fans are those who are stupid enough to click on the advertising links that Khloe Kardashian sends out in order to collect $10,000 per click.

Aside from pop culture sensations like Bieber, Glee, Jersey Shore, Ke$ha and Britney Spears, Man U. also topped popular sports pages like Real Madrid C.F. and FC Barcelona, while the Kansas City Royals fan page fell just short*.

Read the rest of this entry »

Real Madrid won’t have another match for two weeks, but that didn’t stop the Spanish Champions League club from opening its doors for a preview of their new acquisition, Cristiano Ronaldo, arguably the greatest soccer player in the world. Real Madrid spent $131 million US for him, and I guess couldn’t wait to show him off to a capacity crowd at…wherever it is they play [checks index card] at the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium. In Madrid. Obviously.

Obviously, there’s dick-all going on in sports today, so here’s a pretty sweet goal from Brazil, via Sporting Blog, via Maj, via everyone that had this before we did. This guy could play for your club for a bit cheaper than nine figures, I’m sure.